CHAPTER 41: X MARKS THE SPOT
In which our hero goes on a treasure hunt!
Previous: Chapter 40: Mushrooms... again?

Heading east, the first place I find is a bandit camp. Like the "reavers," these guys decided that "bandit" was a bad name for their little group, and decided to re-brand. Also like the reavers, they got some really bad advice, and picked "pirate" instead. As we approach, they're arguing, something about a map and a curse. I didn't catch much after that, because we were instantly attacked, and they didn't seem to want to discuss the situation further, no matter how much I interrogated their corpses. Ah, well. One of the pirates had a map of sorts on his body, and in the chest nearby there's an utterly ridiculous looking helm with an utterly pathetic enchantment. On the other hand, said enchantment does look like the armor must come straight out of the Diablo franchise, because it appears to be a multipart one - apparently there is more to this suit of armor. I just hope the rest of it isn't quite so dumb looking. Intrigued, I notice that according to the map the three remaining pieces are on the edges of the island, which is perfect, considering that that's where I'm going.

There's not much else to the island's outer edge, though. A couple of caves I deliberately avoid, a bunch of blue goblinoids I slaughter unmercifully, and another pillar being constructed by workforce so dedicated to their task that they refuse to engage in conversation with random wanderers. On the one hand, I'm not used to being completely ignored like that - most people I talk to seem obsessed with introducing themselves and giving me little biographical summaries when I first meet them, and on all subsequent encounters, whether or not I want to talk to them or even when I pass within ten feet of them, turn to me as if I am the most important thing in the world. Having a bunch of NPCs just completely ignore me is a new and, to be honest, quite refreshing experience. On the other hand, they may be dedicated to building these... whatever they are, but they're not really competent at it. I've been gone for two days and when we arrive back at the Earth Stone it doesn't look like any progress has been made. So maybe they're just dedicated to getting a steady paycheck. I'm down with that.

Anyway, once again we circumnavigate the island a bit, in order to find the other pieces of this Deathbrand armor. After retrieving the last piece, I find a key and my quest journal magically updates itself, pointing me to Gyldenhul Barrow. Inside I find a pretty impressive treasure room, though honestly I haven't seen any gold piles look like that. Mostly gold seems to be found in little leather pouches, not lying on the ground in suspiciously smooth piles. Deeper in the ruin a whole bunch of angry ghosts pop out. It isn't a particularly difficult fight, but it is annoying, because the ghosts seem to spawn as far from me as possible, necessitating a whole bunch of running back and forth putting them down. In the end, I recover the chief ghost's two swords. All told, the Deathbrand armor and swords aren't bad. I could honestly see giving this bunch to a light-armored dual-wielding warrior, someone like Jenassa. I'd do it too, except I hate her and I never want to see her face again. So into the hock it'll go.

Well, island circumnavigation complete. I guess it's time to get on with things. Why the hell did I come to Solstheim again? Oh, yeah, the cultists. Well, the only tip I've got so far is the temple in the middle of the island, so I guess that's where we're heading.

Once at the temple, we find a bunch more of the brain-damaged builders standing around, idly whacking on things with hammers, and it occurs to me that maybe they're not trying to build whatever this stuff is, but destroy it. I mean, hey, when I whack on things with my hammer they usually die, so obviously these folks want to be just like their dear ol' Mace Raiden. Bless their little, stunted minds. They're pretty good at using those hammers too, judging by the field of dragon skeletons lying about. These guys are actually pretty fucking dangerous in combat, and I'm glad they've decided to stick to hammering on rocks. Nervously edging around them so as not to give offense, Stenvar and I move on into the ruin, and we're immediately attacked by a bunch of cultists. I get it, I really do - you've got the builders, who stand there mindlessly whacking on rocks, and the guards, who attack by launching themselves at our weapons face-first. Remember what I said about incompetent masterminds? Yeah, this guy, whoever he is, put his badass warriors on construction duty and his chambermaids on guard duty. Go team!

Oh, and one non-team member, a Nord woman in heavy armor. At last, we meet someone who isn't either obsessed with hammering stones or obsessed with killing me! Happy day! She seems intent on getting the attention of the oblivious builders, and is meeting with little success. She tells me that the mastermind's name is Miraak, which makes sense considering that this temple is dedicated to him. She offers to lead us through the temple and kill him. Wow, really? That is... a very short main questline, all right. But whatever, let's do this.

Inside is some pretty nifty architecture done in the standard Nord "ancient-ruin" style that was popular way back when. We fight a whole bunch of cultists on the way down, followed up by some Draugr. Frea seems slightly more intelligent than the average Nord, in that she refuses to charge headlong into swinging blades or other traps, preferring to let me solve the problem. A chanting word wall, a dragon trophy, and a boss Draugr called a "gatekeeper" who was apparently supposed to be a tough fight but went down crying like a little girl as the three of us tear him limb from limb, and that's about it for the temple. No Miraak. Some different kinds of architecture that I haven't seen since Saarthaal, kind of neat. And a big, black book. Fool that I am, I decline to actually think before opening it up and reading it, and whoosh I'm teleported to a magical realm full of fauns and talking animals and an evil white queen and... wait, wrong story. I'm actually teleported to a profoundly ugly place, complete with a dragon, a guy dressed in a darker version of the cultist gear, and a quartet of truly odd-looking... tentacle... things. Along with the Netch, this Solstheim place is starting to look like a Japanese schoolgirl's worst nightmare.

Anyway, the dude is (duh) Miraak, and he smarms at me for a bit... wait, check that. He actually doesn't smarm. Huh, a mastermind who doesn't insult me. Go figure. He commends me for killing a whole bunch of dragons, and says that he is in the process of conquering the world by enslaving the minds of its inhabitants.

Really, dude? This is your evil plan? You want to conquer the world with mind control? Have you talked to these people? In order to control someone's mind, they have to have a mind in the first place. Sheesh. And conquering the world? Yeah, I've been down that road before. So sorry to burst your bubble, but you don't have what it takes. Ulfric Stormcloak has a rebel army, and you've got... no army. Alduin has dozens of dragons, and you have... what, two? Three? And judging by the skeletons surrounding your temple, you keep killing them off. You don't have a macguffin like Ancano, and although you're trying your very best to meet the so-ugly-you're-scary qualification with that outfit and squid mask, you can't really beat out Harkon with his "Behold the Power" transformation into a mutant man-slash-plucked-turkey thing. You can't say you've got an edge on magic, because, let's face it, impressive as shouting can sometimes be, even the strongest shout doesn't hold a candle to a series of rapidly-launched Fireball spells.

So... who do you think you are kidding, Mr. Miraak, if you think old Solstheim's done? Stenvar and I, we are the boys who will stop your little game. We are the boys who will make you think. Not think again, mind you, just think. You know, once. Look, dude, I'm honestly okay with you taking over the world. I mean, you can't have fucked it up any more than anyone else. You do use mind control powers to force people to do your bidding, but after watching them work for a bit, you're not forcing them to work themselves to the bone. And they do seem somewhat happy doing it. Your stated goal is to bring peace to the world under your rule, and that's a damn sight better than the "kill everyone including myself" goal that every other would-be ruler has. And when you had me at your mercy, you decided to... be merciful. You're the best supervillain I've ever encountered, bar none. So you wanna rule the world? Fine. Go to it, my boy, and gods bless you. But you could at least come up with a better plan than mind control.

Anyway, Miraak's tentacled freaks send me back to Solstheim. Frea insists that I go with her to her home and talk to her father, and I insist that I'm already happily married and do not need to go home with her to meet her parents. But whatever, I guess that's the next quest hook, so off we go.

NEXT: Chapter 42, The Fate Of The Skaal
Start at Chapter 1