DIARY OF A WATER PURIFIER:

EP2, SOMEONE SET UP US THE BOMB

First thing out of the vault, and I receive a radio message. It's from someone named John Henry Eden, who calls himself the President of the United States. He says that he's working tirelessly around the clock to rebuild this great nation, and if we all pull together we can bring back the good times. I look to my left and see a rocky, dusty wasteland apparently populated by giant cockroaches. I look to my right and see a ragged road extending into the distance, but I can't see too far because a cloud of radiation so thick it's visibly blocking the light lies over the land. Ahead of me is the burnt-out husk of a town where the wind blows forlornly over the corpses of old cars. Ol' Eden has his work cut out for him.

So, where to go? The overseer's computer mentioned something about a town nearby, but I've got no idea which way to travel to get there. Maybe the dead town in front of me is the thriving metropolis mentioned, but it seems to be populated only by a single floating spherical robot that, by the way, makes a satisfying explosion when hit with a 10mm bullet. I like explosions. Which is good, because a few of my stray bullets enter a car, which emits a little explosion of its own and gets lit on fire. I wander over to see what's happening and FUCK ME I guess I'm glad reincarnation is a thing.

Get born, hi dad, pick name, pick appearance, bye mom, bible quote, birthday party, shoot roach, take test, kill guards, kill bugs, escape vault, and do NOT shoot at the robot. Use a baseball bat instead. Jeez, let's hope something like that doesn't happen again. I understand that I just went through sixteen years of life and all, but it seems like a lot longer. If only there was some way to rewind time to a previous point where I hadn't done something stupid. Like, saving my game life periodically so I can go back if I fuck up. Oh well.

Anyway, over there I can see a sign saying Megaton, and that's the name of the closest town. I'm pretty sure dad went there. It's the only place around here with people. That is, people who don't want to kill you on sight. The local elementary school off to my left is full of that kind of person. It's also full of raiders (rim shot), so I head off to Megaton.

Megaton is a trash heap made up of corrugated tin and steel posts. There are also parts of an airplane in there. If this is someone's idea of a bustling metropolis, I'll pass. Especially considering that the whole town is built on top of an unexploded nuclear bomb. Apparently the bomb leaks brain-damaging radiation, because the few people who do live in this sty exhibit signs of long-term neural degradation. For example, the first person I meet thinks he's a cowboy, and has appointed himself sheriff. He doesn't know anything about dad, asks me to disarm the bomb, suddenly remembers dad, and then tells me that I should stay away from the bomb. Aside from the slight bipolar problem and the aforementioned cowboy issue, he's a nice enough guy. The next guy I meet is worshipping the bomb as a god. He's entertaining to listen to for a while, in a sort of "this is your brain on drugs" way.

The next person I stop and see is a lady named Moira Brown. She's kooky. I mean, real kooky. She wants to write a survival guide about living in the wasteland, and she thinks I'm the best person to help her out. Because I've been in the wasteland for so long. Dude, I've been here for ten minutes. Fifteen, if you count the time I went and exploded a nuclear-powered car (who the hell thought up that gem of an idea?) and got resurrected. But whatever, she promises rich rewards, and it's not like the book will ever be published, considering that there are no printers, publishing companies, bookbinders, and the like. She does give me one interesting piece of news, though. Apparently dad wasn't the first person to escape the vault. In addition to the overseer's scouting mission, dad left, I left, and several other people have escaped the vault at various times, one of them leaving behind a vault suit that Moira whimsically decided to put armor plating on. It's better than what I'm wearing now, so I exchange it for some vault security armor. I also am beginning to wonder about my dad - he wasn't the only person to escape, but apparently he was the only person to invite radroaches in first and cause mass hysteria in his absence. I always liked him, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that he's a royal asshole. Leaving me in the lurch, creating an insect infestation, and causing peaceful citizens to murder each other. Way to go, dad.

I head to the local saloon, and the barman is an older gentleman with a wrinkled face. Really old. Really wrinkled. Like, holy shit, this guy needs some skin cream FAST. And a wig. And some cologne. And a makeover. Maybe the famous "Mary's Makeover" that includes standing next to a flaming automobile and waiting for resurrection. Not that I wish him dead, because as far as I can tell he already is dead. He really can't get any worse. I assiduously avoid eye contact.

The owner of the bar is an Irish expatriate, and kind of a dick too. He offers to tell me where my dad went if I go kill one of his old hookers. I decline, opting instead to sneak into his back room and hack his computer terminal and get the information from there. On my way out the door, I notice a guy waving at me from the back room. I wander over there to tell him that the hooker is the redhead over by the toilet, not me, but he actually has a proposition for me. Business proposition, not sexual proposition. Just thought I should make that clear.

He represents certain people who think of the town as a blight on the landscape. I can't agree more, dude. Through the conversation, it becomes apparent that he wants me to detonate the bomb in the middle of town. I can't warn people, I can't evacuate the town, he wants everyone to die as well. I just have to press the button that goes boom. Because it's a blight on the landscape. Essentially, he wants me to blow up a city of people because it's not pretty enough.

Megaton is apparently one of the largest, most cosmopolitan towns in the wasteland. There are dozens of people living here, in a relatively organized fashion. Burke doesn't want to conquer the town, steal from it, or enslave the people. He wants it gone because it's ugly. It's a town in the middle of a place called the capital wasteland, dude. Everything here is ugly. Ugly is this whole area's stock in trade. So you want to blow it up, replacing it with a smoking crater that will, somehow, be prettier? Not to mention that nuking your neighbors seems counterproductive to survival. Burke wants to create a radioactive hole where was once a peaceful, thriving (relatively) metropolis. Because he doesn't like the way it looks. I can't even give him the honor of saying he's evil. He's just stupid.

I'm about to get up and run out to tell the sheriff that there's a crazy guy here, but then I remember that the "sheriff" is also a crazy guy, so no hope there. The only thing left to do is disarm the bomb. I have to, it's a moral imperative. I'd just leave well enough alone, but given the intellect of the average Megaton citizen, one of them is bound to take up Burke on his offer some day, and I just can't have that on my conscience.

I quickly disarm the bomb, and then head on out of town. I've got to get to a radio station, where dad was last headed. All of these delays mean I've fallen a little behind him, it might take me a couple of hours to catch up.

NEXT EPISODE: WE GET SIGNAL