CHAPTER 27: I'LL TAKE OPTION D
In which our hero decides not to bark at the moon, and gets married.
Previous: My Precious

So back at Jorrvaskr, Farkas seems mildly impressed that I managed to beat Sven into submission. I'd take it as a compliment, but really, a fucking rabbit could beat Sven into submission. He tells me to go see Mr. Fragile Skjor, who has a new job for me. Farkas and I are supposed to go find a Fragment of Wuuthrad (a famous axe of famousness that everybody knows about because it's so famous), which is inexplicably buried in a Nord ruin and has recently been dug up. It would be me and Farkas and Jenassa but apparently three's a crowd and the clubhouse is only open to Companions. Sorry Jenny, go back to Breezehome, I'll catch up with you later.

Once inside the ruin, Farkas tells me to be careful because it looks like somebody's been digging here. Which I actually thought was kind of the point. But whatever. In the Nord ruin we're accosted (shock!) by Draugr. I dispatch my share of the Draugr with ease, and most of Farkas's share, and then just sit back and watch him and another one duke it out for about five minutes before the undead thing finally gives in, probably out of boredom more than injury. I swear, these Companions are the weakest fighting force in the world.

So we march through the ruins and I try to keep the big guy from getting himself killed. Eventually I find a small room with a lever, and pulling the lever drops a gate and gets me stuck, which I honestly should have seen coming. I mean, really, there's a gate, there's a lever, why wouldn't it lock me in? As I stare at the lever in resignation, I briefly entertain the delusion that somewhere in the world is an ancient ruin or dungeon where there are not inexplicably placed traps that would mean the death of any careless citizen living there before it was abandoned... but I know deep in my heart that such a fantasy cannot be.

Farkas comes by and snarks at me, but I really can't blame him for this one. I deserve a bit of a verbal lambasting for my rampant stupidity. He says he's going to let me out, and then some bandits mysteriously pop into existence and say they're going to kill him, and I can't help but agree with them... he's got absolutely no chance here. I'd help but for some reason I can't even draw a weapon behind these bars, so Farkas, sorry dude, you're fucked. If only there was some way to HOLY SHIT WHAT IS THAT THING KILL IT WITH FIRE! Some sort of weird alien human-bear crossbreed just tore its way out of Farkas's body! I've heard of deadly parasites, but this is ridiculous!

Hang on, Mace, get a grip. That must be Farkas. He makes short work of the bandits, unlocks the door, then comes back and tells me that several of the Companions can turn into werewolves. I'm really, really tempted to grab a stick, shout "fetch," and throw it just to see what happens, but considering that Farkas made shorter work of those bandits than I could, I resist the urge.

And they're not exactly bandits either. They're the (cue dramatic music and flash of lightning) Silver Hand. Which are just exactly like Bandits in every way except they carry silver swords. Which is pretty cool... I'm waiting for a silver great axe, it'll offset my midnight-black Ebony armor nicely.

Anyway, we keep heading through the ruins, but Farkas stays in human form, so we actually have to do some fighting. Eventually we make it to the end room, find the fragment of the ancient axe, another of those chanting walls, and we're ambushed by about a hundred more Draugr. Or that's what would have happened, but I had a bright idea to cast a rune spell on the coffins so the Draugr would catch it as soon as they leapt out... and apparently that triggers them immediately. Some of the Draugr died as soon as I cast the spell, some of them not, but in any case it allowed the pair of us to fight them one at a time rather than all together. Eventually we finish them all off and head out the ever-present alternate exit.

Back in Whiterun, I undergo a ceremony that some developer got out of a book, and now I'm officially a Companion, apparently I wasn't one before, but whatever. Eorlund gives me a Skyforge Steel battleaxe, which is actually pretty good, but my current weapon is heavily enchanted, so into the hock it goes.

A quick quest to kill a bear that somehow got into Ysolda's house later, and Skjor has another job for me... I'm to meet him in the Underforge after nightfall, wherever the hell that is. Probably in that cunningly concealed secret hidden obscured door that's extremely visible just behind Jorrvaskr here.

Sure enough, down there after night, there's Skjor and Farkas again, this time in his werewolf form... or so I think. Apparently it's Aela. I search in vain for any secondary sexual characteristics that can help me differentiate between the various members of the secret werewolf clan, but Aela growls at me, so I decide that feeling a woman up, even if she is a real dog, isn't the best idea.

Skjor proceeds to slit Aela's wrist, which is kind of intrusive, but does she growl at him? Nooooo. Fine, whatever. She starts to bleed into a basin... wait, scratch that, she doesn't start to bleed, actually about a pint of blood just sorta dumps into the basin. And Skjor wants me to drink it.

You... you want me to... drink that? Some, and please excuse the terminology, but it seems appropriate here, some bitch's blood? Are you (wait for it) barking mad? No thank you, I'm outta here, is that an alternate exit over this way? Bye.

Back at Breezehome, I vow never to return to the fucked up place that is Jorrvaskr. I pick up Jenassa, drop off some miscellaneous goods, and lie my head down for a good night's sleep, guarded by Jenassa and Lydia both. Tomorrow I'm going to see about finding a job that doesn't involve killing people, but for now I'm really tired...

And I wake up in a shack, and there's a lady sitting there languorously, with three dudes wearing sacks on their heads tied up on the floor. Aah, this must obviously be some sort of crazy sex cult.

The lady (Astrid's her name) is a member of the Dark Brotherhood, and it seems she's a tad upset about what I did to the orphanage lady. So I guess there really was some response to her murder. I fucking knew that Aventus Aretino was bad news! He summoned the Dark Brotherhood for real or something! Astrid wants me to prove that I'm worthy to join her merry band of secretive assassins by killing one of the three people tied up on the floor.

Hmm. Is it Door Number One, Door Number Two, or Door Number Three? I'll pick... Option D. Astrid goes down with a couple of well-placed whacks to the neck. And I leave the fuckers tied up on the floor. Maybe I'll come back in a month or too and see if they managed to wiggle free. My money is on them still being there, just three dead, emaciated bodies in a row, bound and gagged, waiting forever for a savior to give them permission to stand up.

Outside, I take a moment to get my bearings (somehow I ended up north of Morthal in one night), and then head for Whiterun. Obviously the Dark Brotherhood killed both Lydia and Jenassa last night in order to get me out without a fuss, so I've got two funerals to arrange. I'll also be out of commission for a couple days with the mourning... they were good guards, both of them, and I'll miss them.

Back in Breezehome, both of the idiots are just wandering around without a care in the world. Apparently, they didn't even fucking notice that I'd been missing. I consider how best to broach the subject of proper bodyguard procedures, and decide that the best course of gentle correction is to fire Jenassa and punch Lydia full in the head. She seems mildly disconcerted, asking why I would do such a thing, and I honestly have no response to that. I mean, how can you tell someone how badly they fucked up as a bodyguard when they don't even realize they fucked up at all? After staring at her stupid, stupid face for a while, I just silently walk out of the house, vowing to burn it to the ground. I then stop for a while as I realize that one by one I'm adding every single town in Skyrim to my "purify by fire" list. It's enough to make a person very depressed.

A guard told me to go to Dragon Bridge and talk to a dude about Astrid and the Dark Brotherhood... but after traveling with Farkas for a while, I've come to rely on a second big weapon. I'm gonna go hire me someone. NOT Jenassa again, the untrustworthy narcoleptic crazy artist-wannabe. And not Lydia, the world's worst bodyguard. There was this guy in Windhelm, I remember, at the inn... he looked like the warrior type. I wonder if he's for sale.

Sure enough, 500 gold later (what is it with that magic number?), and Stenvar is in my retinue. I decide this time to try him out first, see what he's made of... let's go find a dragon, I remember there was one just south of here in the geyser fields.

We trigger the dragon's aggressive tendencies, and he lands in front of us. I ready my axe to do battle, take a couple of swings, and about 15 seconds later, the dragon drops dead. I take a step back for a bit, wondering if he, I dunno, maybe landed on a tree and drove a branch through his heart or something, that was an awfully quick death. I turn to Stenvar to ask what he thought, and I stop, mesmerized.

He's covered in dragon blood, greatsword held lightly, and on his face is a wide smile as he casually gazes around at the carnage. I'd like to think I had a hand in that, but if I'm honest with myself it was all Stenvar. He's a badass killing machine with a big weapon and those muscles are just about driving me crazy. I... I am so turned on right now. Stenvar, baby, is there any chance you swing my way too? Is there any chance the game designers gods would be that open minded?

"Who wouldn't be interested in you?"

Okay, you great hunk of man you, we're off to Riften like right now to get hitched. I think a 4-hour engagement is about appropriate, don't you? I never want you anywhere but by my side from here on out. A quick trip to Riften, talk to Maramal, and the date is on for tomorrow. I'd go do something right now but I'm just so excited, I'm just going to wait here just outside the door until morning, and when morning comes, we head on in to start the ceremony.

It is such a moving ceremony, full of tradition and meaning, that I feel compelled to write it down, in its entirety, right here.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in sight of two friends of the groom, a random citizen who happened to be wandering by the temple, and the corpse of a dragon that mysteriously teleports around, to witness these two people as they join together in the bonds of holy matrimony, assuming one of them doesn't use console commands to destroy the union moments after it is made.
At this point in any normal ceremony, I as the priest would normally go into a speech about love and loyalty, but considering that one of the grooms is a PC, the other will almost certainly end up a permanent fixture of a random house somewhere, so why bother?"
To Stenvar: "Do you agree to be bound together, in love, now and forever, in vampirism and in lycanthropy, never standing placidly in a doorway preventing your spouse from exiting, never tripping traps because you are just too damn stupid to see the big triggers, never getting in the way of your spouse's arrows as you try to reenact the charge of Leeroy Jenkins, so long as you both shall continue your pixelated existence?"
Stenvar: "I do."
To me: "Do you agree to be bound together, in love, now and forever, never Unrelenting Force-ing your spouse off a cliff just for fun, never using your spouse for target practice as a cheap method of improving your skills, until you find someone more handsome or 5,000 miles, whichever comes first?"
Me: "I do."
"Then with the presentation of these two rings that you're just going to immediately chuck into a drawer somewhere because you can find better magic items almost everywhere including your own asshole, I join the two of you in marriage. From this day forth, let all and sundry know that these two lovebirds are married, you can take off that ridiculous amulet of Mara now and replace it with an aforesaid better magic item.
Amen, and be sure to tip your waitress."

And... that's it, apparently. Delphine and Ria get up and start walking out, while the dunmer food vendor lady stays seated. Stenvar starts walking away too, but I drag him back. His first question is where we are going to live, to which I can only reply "on the road, dumbass, we've got dragons to kill." He loves it when I talk dirty to him.

Speaking of killing dragons, someday soon I've got to get back to the main questline... but first, a guard told me to go to Dragon Bridge to ask some dude about that Astrid lady and the assassin's guild.

Next: Intermission 3
Start at Chapter 1

Ladies and gentlemen, we have some stoners in our midst.

These images result of a conversation both in private and public. Just let your imaginations run wild!