Mount and Blade (Dickplomacy reloaded) - Useless Rant

[Mormegil0121]

Hi,

 

First off, this is not a rant about the awesome Dickplomacy reloaded mod, go check it out here in loverslab if you like mount and blade and haven't already.

 

No, this topic is a useless rant that will be of no interest for anyone (probably) but will allow me to vent a bit about my current Mount and blade playthrough (and I just realized I played Mount and blade about 50 more hours than I played skyrim which... how the hell ?).

 

So, In my current playthrough, I set myself an objective : start as a commoner and build myself up from scratch until I can help a claimant to the throne, marry her, and become King of a faction that way (as opposed to the usual "conquer the world for myself" playthrough). After that I would call it quit.

 

I chose Arwa "the pearled one" from the Sarranid faction and got to work. After hours of mercenary work and fortune gathering through running several brothels, I was finally ready and triggered the civil war. I destroyed the Sarranid faction almost by myself since I only managed to turn three or four lords to Arwa's side, but with my group of elite mercenaries (paid with the brothels's money), it was relatively quick.

 

And that's when the shitshow started. After Arwa became queen, I walked to her and propose a wedding.

 

"Oh I would love to marry you, but it would hurt my legitimacy." She said.

 

No problem, I thought, and I spent the next couple weeks sending my companions on quests to increase my prestige and came back.

 

"Oh I would love to marry you but for some reason everyone in the kingdom hates you, sorry !". She said.

 

I wonder why everyone hates me ? It's almost like I had to beat the shit out of everyone again and again to put your ass on the Throne and they somehow hold a grudge. (I admit, running three brothels where the wives and sisters of my "former" enemies were forced to work didn't help, that's on me).

So I spent weeks sucking up to everyone, spending tens of thousands on gifts and completing quests until they barely tolerated me again and went back to the Queen.

 

"Oh I would love to marry you but you have attracted too much controversy right now, so sooooory". She said.

 
Cue several weeks waiting confined in my castle, long enough for people to forget about my not-so-honorable deeds

 

"Oh I would love to marry you but you have to be elected marshall of the realm before that" She said.

 

God dammit why ? Why is that a requirement ? Beside YOU choose who the marshall is. And by the way I am a bit hurt that you chose a random dickhead for that job, one of the last guy to join your cause and the guy who hates me the most (again : wife, daughter, brothel... my bad), over me who carried you to the bloody throne.

 

But fine, I spent the next few weeks doing boring political plots, running left and right to make sure I would get elected and then came back to her.

 

"Oh I would love to marry you but you have to be marshall for a couple weeks and basically prevent any of the stupid AI lords to lose a single battle or have a single of their villages raided while we are at war with three other faction hellbent on wrecking our land" She said.

 

Okay well I'm just going to... wait ? what ? ..... FUCK. THAT. No. Just...no. That is somehow both tedious and downright impossible and you know it ! I am done, DONE you hear ?

 

And as I shut down the game I suddenly realized my mild case of OCD won't let me move on to the next game until I have reached a somehow satisfying ending to this story.

 

Fine, so be it. Since I have to resolve that matter and the bloody game seems to tell me to go fuck myself at every turn, here's what I am going to do :

 

I am going to get my mercenary army and my treasury and my brothels and get the hell out of the kingdom. I am going to carve myself my own kingdom juuuust a bit north with only my trusty companions as vassals. Then I will ride with my armies and burn your land to the ground, I did it once I can sure as hell do it again ! I made you and I can just as easily unmake you ! And when I take away the last bit of your land and throw you in my brothel in Shariz, your own capital city, we will see how much you would "love to marry me" !

 

God Dammit I hate that game as much as I love it. And my useless rant is over.

 

If you, the reader, by some miracle read that until the end and have your own rants or stories about the game, please, help yourself in that topic, I am eager to read it too !

[llddb]

Seriously these videos are damn distracting.

 

Anyway, I did read your rant.  Did you ever consider....she's just not that into you?

 

Damn Distracting.

 

Anyway What happens if you just take her kingdom away?  I mean if being king is your goal just remove the middle man (Woman in this case).  Maybe she would enjoy a turn in your brothel and likely reconsider.

[Mormegil0121]

10 hours ago, llddb said:

Seriously these videos are damn distracting.

 

Anyway, I did read your rant.  Did you ever consider....she's just not that into you?

 

Damn Distracting.

 

Anyway What happens if you just take her kingdom away?  I mean if being king is your goal just remove the middle man (Woman in this case).  Maybe she would enjoy a turn in your brothel and likely reconsider.

 

Mmh ? What videos ? The thumbnail adds ?

 

Yeah I considered that ^^ still not a satisfying ending to my character's story though.

 

And yes, taking her kingdom away and sending her to the brothel is now the new plan, I just wanted to play the game a bit differently this time as I usually always go for the "become an independant king" playthrough, serves me right for trying something new I guess !