Dealing with an extremely toxic friend

[TactusAuValiiRath]

I ranted the other day about a friend my husband and I have in common but the situation is getting so worse that I thought it deserved its own post.

 

This friend, let's name her K, started chatting up my husband and I four years ago (we belonged to the same group of friends and, for some reasons, we took separate paths). She showed a clear preference for him over me because she found me scary and he's kind hearted, always willing to lend a hand whenever somebody needs it. What we thought that it was temporary advice, it has become a living nightmare.

 

K just turned out to be extremely demanding, absorbing my husband completely when she has problems while having zero respect for him or his life. She nags him while he's working, while he's sleeping, while he's having "us time" with me... and ignores completely any message from him telling her to "give me a moment, I can't reply because I'm busy". In fact, replying to her in general is a Quick Time Event. If you don't reply within the time she considers acceptable (usually five seconds), she starts drama. Almost every interaction with her ends up to a cycle of self loathing and drama. She asks for advice, doesn't like the advice, starts drama. She asks my husband to choose things for her, doesn't like the choice, starts drama. She's draining our mental health and our free time as well. It's like having a child but instead of a toddler it's just a grown ass adult.

 

She's well aware that she does that and admits having a serious issue of self hate. The problem is that she doesn't even try to fix it. I have spoken with my husband about it, I've told him to start living a little and leave her be. It worked somehow but now, she starts drama because he isn't responding as much and doesn't give her as much attention. I'm just exhausted of seeing him suffer because of that witch and I made myself a promise that I'll cut ties with her. The problem is that my husband keeps forgiving her and then the cycle repeats itself again. 

 

I want to know what can I do to fix this, it's killing my relationship. And no, dumping my husband isn't an option. I really need help to get out of this.

[MinamiTakahashi]

Well, generally people are supposed to be receptive to the feelings of their partners. If your fella isn't, then either you haven't made it clear enough that this person's behaviour is having a negative effect on you, or he simply doesn't care enough about how you feel to do anything about it.

 

When you're in a relationship with another person then it's important to realize that your partner's wellbeing (both physical and mental) should be your first and foremost responsibility - remind him that you should take priority in his life, not this other girl. Make sure he understands that this girl is having a considerable negative effect on your mental wellbeing then present him with an ultimatum.

 

Cutting ties is the right idea I think. If you're willing, but his altruistic nature is getting in the way then answer is pretty straightforward... force him to choose you or her.

 

He'll choose you, then he'll probably feel bad for a bit, then you'll both move on. Happy ending.

[firemountain12]

As much as I would not endorse an adult modding site as a place to get advice for anything more important than its content...

 

Although I applaud your husband for caring, it might be time to give this 'friend' something of an ultimatum. She obviously needs help, she seems to understand this, but she is unwilling to get it. Both of you cutting her off completely may honestly be best for her (as long as she understands, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that it was her behavior that caused you to leave her). You'll need to be able to convince your husband, too, but it seems like you're running out of options. 

[firemountain12]

23 minutes ago, MinamiTakahashi said:

Well, generally people are supposed to be receptive to the feelings of their partners. If your fella isn't, then either you haven't made it clear enough that this person's behaviour is having a negative effect on you, or he simply doesn't care enough about how you feel to do anything about it.

 

When you're in a relationship with another person then it's important to realize that your partner's wellbeing (both physical and mental) should be your first and foremost responsibility - remind him that you should take priority in his life, not this other girl. Make sure he understands that this girl is having a considerable negative effect on your mental wellbeing then present him with an ultimatum.

 

Cutting ties is the right idea I think. If you're willing, but his altruistic nature is getting in the way then answer is pretty straightforward... force him to choose you or her.

 

He'll choose you, then he'll probably feel bad for a bit, then you'll both move on. Happy ending.

Forcing someone to choose between two people is never the right answer. that's what manipulative and controlling people do. 

[Ezarr]

You're doing good cutting her off. I have dealt with his type of people before and tacking them out of your life is and always will be the best choice. This type of people have zero respect for you and only think about themselves, so why should one care for them. Call your friend and tell her to get her shit straight and to find a husband for her own and that you are done dealing with her. If she starts some drama let her enjoy it alone.

 

The other problem is your husband. Make him realize that he's being disrespected by all those demanding attention calls when he's busy. That he's not your friendly neighbor spiderman and that he doesn't need to deal with others people shit to that extend. Because she doesn't want help. She just wants someone to throw all of her shit at and that's exactly how she sees your husband, as a dumpster.

[woolsack]

Murder her.

Spoiler

 

[TactusAuValiiRath]

2 hours ago, MinamiTakahashi said:

Well, generally people are supposed to be receptive to the feelings of their partners. If your fella isn't, then either you haven't made it clear enough that this person's behaviour is having a negative effect on you, or he simply doesn't care enough about how you feel to do anything about it.

I spoke to him about it about a thousand times and he is receptive, he just feels bad with himself for letting her down. I'm obviously his top priority, but he's afraid of getting more drama from her if he lets her down.

 

2 hours ago, firemountain12 said:

As much as I would not endorse an adult modding site as a place to get advice for anything more important than its content...

 

Although I applaud your husband for caring, it might be time to give this 'friend' something of an ultimatum. She obviously needs help, she seems to understand this, but she is unwilling to get it. Both of you cutting her off completely may honestly be best for her (as long as she understands, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that it was her behavior that caused you to leave her). You'll need to be able to convince your husband, too, but it seems like you're running out of options. 

Yes, I know this is not the best place to seek advice but it was my last resort. My apologies for that.

On the other side, I ran out of options. I will try to talk to him about the topic again.

 

2 hours ago, Ezarr said:

The other problem is your husband. Make him realize that he's being disrespected by all those demanding attention calls when he's busy. That he's not your friendly neighbor spiderman and that he doesn't need to deal with others people shit to that extend. Because she doesn't want help. She just wants someone to throw all of her shit at and that's exactly how she sees your husband, as a dumpster.

That's exactly what I tell him every time.

 

Thanks for the help, guys. I feel a lot better after getting this off my chest. That parasite has been ruining our relationship for about four years now and it's about time she leaves.