So here goes the end of chapter 1 I guess. After having read the whole thing and prologue, I think the graphical aspect is pleasantly colored, and the poses do suit the action quite well. The text is also impeccably written, which helps making the "slice of life" aspect convincing and interesting. However, I'm wondering if the format isn't more adapted for a site limited to 10 screens and some text. I mean, some entries are 3 screens + a paragraph long, some are 4 screens with a fullscreen of text. So some are short, some are unbalanced, as the eye naturally wants to go where is bright and colored. So if I had to formulate an advice... I would wonder about adapting the for LL, by mixing the text and the screens, and having more consistency about screens's numbers and screens following the whole action.

For example :

That being said, it's all a question of choice. Regardless, it was a nicely done read. Good job ! ?

On 12/12/2018 at 9:06 AM, Tirloque said:

So here goes the end of chapter 1 I guess. After having read the whole thing and prologue, I think the graphical aspect is pleasantly colored, and the poses do suit the action quite well. The text is also impeccably written, which helps making the "slice of life" aspect convincing and interesting. However, I'm wondering if the format isn't more adapted for a site limited to 10 screens and some text. I mean, some entries are 3 screens + a paragraph long, some are 4 screens with a fullscreen of text. So some are short, some are unbalanced, as the eye naturally wants to go where is bright and colored. So if I had to formulate an advice... I would wonder about adapting the for LL, by mixing the text and the screens, and having more consistency about screens's numbers and screens following the whole action.

 

For example :

  Reveal hidden contents

 

My suitcase was packed and stowed away in the car. Dinner was full of chatter and laughing, more so than usual, as if everyone knew that if we stopped talking someone would eventually be overcome with emotion. My dad hadn’t broken yet, but I was sure as soon as we were alone at the airport, he’d break down and I would lose it to. I would hold it off until the very last moment. I wanted to remember these last hours at home.

 

 

When we had finished and cleared the plates there was nothing left but the goodbyes. Indigo wrapped me into a vice like embrace, swaying me back and forth as we hugged. Even though she doing the best out of everyone to keep it together, I could still see the sadness in her eyes. We both knew there would be a day when we wouldn’t be right next to each other, but it was still hard to face it. I promised again to contact her as much as possible and keep her up to date with everything that was going on in the Valley.

 

Turning to Noah, I felt myself get a little weak. After yesterday in my bedroom, I knew I would be missing him even more than before. But now, I could feel the phantom touches of where his hands touched my body, where his lips had trailed kisses, where his teeth bit at my skin, and it felt like I was carrying a bit of him with me always. I blinked back some tears as I told him I loved him and gave him one final kiss.
 

 

That being said, it's all a question of choice. Regardless, it was a nicely done read. Good job ! ?

Hi! So I guess I don't have my notifications set up to alert me for comments, so I'm SUPER late! But thank you for all of your feedback! As you guessed correctly, this is a story that I started on Tumblr, which I transferred over to LoversLab after the whole NSFW content ban happened a few weeks back. I hadn't put much more thought into my blog posts outside of trying to preserve my story before Tumblr hid my posts on their site. I agree that I could use some better formatting here since I don't have that same content limit, and moving forward I'll condense my blog posts into long form posts like you've suggested. I'm currently working on another project so I can't say for certain when I'll actually begin updating this blog, but I can say I will be back. Thanks again for reading!