I have a few creations available for download, but some may be wondering why I'm not making more stuff. Well, I am, actually, I have. I have a bunch of stuff I need to upload to LL and SexySims (uploading to LL is much less frustrating since it doesn't need to be approved by a moderator first, but that's also kind of a problem because of the rape and bestiality found on this site. For the love of god, people, please stop being monsters), but I'm having an issue, the same issue as everything else in my life.

I am very unhappy. I live in Southern California, the worst place in the USA to live, in my opinion. Why? California is the most expensive state to live in in the US. Normally, my boyfriend and I would be considered middle class... not here. No, we're lower middle class here. Why? We just don't make enough money to live here. WHY? We ain't rich. My boyfriend works as a shift lead (AKA assistant manager) at a Walgreens, and he's one of the highest paid employees there. He works his ass off forty hours a goddamn week, and I barely get to see him. He even works Christmas and New Years. I think his wages are up to thirteen something dollars an hour...

We live in a one bedroom, one bathroom apartment. The entire apartment is smaller than some bedrooms we've seen in houses in other states we used to live in. It's shitty too. There's no electrical outlets in the bathroom, the bathtub has a hole somewhere that doesn't keep water in, so you can't take baths, the garbage disposal doesn't work, the kitchen light is broken, the front door is too small for the door frame, so bugs and temperature get it, and it is HOT AS BALLS here, the air conditioner is a unit that only cools the living room/kitchen (they're connected!!), the bedroom itself is practically our closet (we sleep in the living room because it's HOT AS BALLS here), and there's a leak in our roof. Luckily it only rains a few times a year, but when it rains, it POURS. Sounds bad, right? This is one of the cheapest apartment complexes to live in in our town... and our monthly rent is up to over $1200.

I'm a YouTuber. I used to work at the same Walgreens, but I am disabled, and one of the assistant managers at the time was verbally harassing me, so much so that, first, I was put into therapy provided by the company, and then I tried to kill myself. Whee. Welp, nothing can be done because of the state laws here! I quit, naturally, but that AM got no repercussions. Ever since then, my anxiety has increased, I was agoraphobic for two years, and am still unable to work. I can only leave the house with someone I trust, as well as other circumstances. Well, we've been stuck in this apartment for nearly nine years, and we're currently unable to move because they forced us to sign a fourteen month lease. If we didn't, they'd raise our rent $300. I've lived against my will in SoCal for nearly seventeen years, I've ALWAYS hated it here, and Mike and I want to move out of state so badly, but we can't. Not for another eight months or so... unless we can get out of our lease now that we got a notice that water, trash, and sewer will no longer be provided to us, which goes against the lease!

I don't make enough money as a YouTuber, especially now that the advertisers are screwing us. On top of my disabilities and situational unhappiness, I've lost most, if not all motivation to do any of the things I used to love doing, and that includes making videos. Lately my videos have been rants and TS4 streams, and my traffic is incredibly slow compared to how it used to be. Well... this motivation block applies to TS4 in a way, too. I've been trying to create stuff, and I have done some stuff, but I've been slow on taking screenshots, getting the packages ready for moderation, getting the packages ready regardless, and then there's all the stuff I've started and haven't finished, and I keep getting new ideas, and when I start them, my motivation block says, "nope!" and makes me close whatever program I just opened to get started. Hell, two of my most favorite hobbies, drawing and writing, have been blocked too! It doesn't help that I'm going through some issues with DeviantArt that are adding to my stress levels, which are dangerously high on a normal basis.

I have my own website, and I've recently decided I want to make my CC available there as well... but hey, motivation block, can you at least let me put those up? No? You're a bitch, get out of my head, please. Feeling depressed when you're on antidepressants that work is not a good feeling. On top of that, the country, which had already gone to the dogs years ago, has been eaten by said dogs, shat out, and is now being eaten by those same dogs. I wouldn't care... if it didn't affect me. My constant anxiety about possibly losing my health care is driving me nuts, because if I can't get my medication, I'm dangerous to myself and anyone around me. Hell, may as well pronounce me dead, even if you throw me into a mental institution.

I am almost twenty-seven years old with the maturity of at least five years younger than my current age due to reasons I don't have control over. I have more common sense than most people twice my age, I can't do my own paperwork because the number of questions make me panic, I'm above average intelligence, but not a genius, and I'm ugly unless I do my makeup, which I have no motivation to do because I also have trichotillomania (obsessive hair pulling disorder) and dermatillomania (obsessive skin picking disorder). My energy levels make me feel like I'm in my fifties, and with the number of scabs on my face, I look like a meth addict! No motivation or energy to lose weight, which is a problem because I have a severe sugar addiction my colon doesn't work properly for reasons the doctors can't find, even after a colonoscopy, I had a kidney stone despite my age, health (at the time), diet (at the time), weight (AT THE TIME), and other shit, and now the muscles around my kidney hurt every day, so I have to take a vibrating massager to it to try and sooth it! I have a broken tendon in my right ankle from an accident when I was fourteen, and it hurts if I walk or stand too long! Lower back problems, neck issues, carpel tunnel, pain in certain areas because of a car crash more than a year ago, chronic headaches EVERY DAY, prone to UIs after that unexplained kidney stone... I am in physical pain every single day, and I will be for the rest of my life.

That's just on top of my mental issues and insomnia. And I worked hard to succeed where my dead beat, druggie parents never did. I've worked hard to be a good person, to be honest, clean, worked hard just to live a life that I never asked for, and yet, nothing has ever come of it. Nothing good, at least. They say people are born into tragedy. Well, I know very well that there are people with much worse problems than me, but it doesn't change the fact that I never deserved this, and it doesn't change the fact that I am so unhappy, I wouldn't mind being shot in the head. All of that fucks up my motivation. If I could choose which way my moods went when off my meds, I'd choose to be manic, and I'd get so much shit done and feel that fake happiness and optimism that comes with it. But nope. That's not how it works.

Worst of all, people think I talk about my problems as if I want them to feel sorry for me, when all I want is for them to understand why I'm stuck in such a deep trench. Even when I say, "I hate sympathy," people say, "omg I feel so sorry 4 you Rei!!" I'm like, "how about you just say something like, 'I understand, Rei,' or 'take however long you need to get yourself back on your feet, I'll support you all the way,' something like that!" Instead I get pity parties and complaints that I'm not making stuff for them, when it was never for them to begin with.

*Sigh* And that... is an overly extensive explanation of why I haven't posted as much stuff as I have ready. I'm not looking for advice, reassurance, or anything like that. I don't even care if this is read. I just don't want this to turn into YouTube. Thanfully, this is an adult site... the main problem on YouTube IS THE FUCKING KIDS. I hate children, and they don't even care that, BY LAW, you must be thirteen or older to have an account. Fucking dishonest, snotty nosed brats who don't understand the concept of hard work, time, energy, and real world stresses. I can handle the trolls, I can handle the haters... I CAN'T HANDLE THE KIDS. Where are the parents? Where are the mommies and daddies to monitor what their kids do online, and realize they're watching a girl on the internet who says every curse word except for racial slurs and writes violent stories about cannibalistic ponies? Why do the kids ignore my age warnings? WHY DO THEY THINK IT'S COOL TO BE A MURDERER???? I already tear my hair out enough as it is! I know I was a stupid kid, all kids are stupid, but this generation is off the charts of stupidity and irresponsibility. Anyway...

If it were up to me, I'd have so much stuff available for download, and I'd actually be able to feel proud of something for once in my life. I'm sure that, once Mike and I get out of this shit hole of an apartment and can actually afford to live, I will be much happier. I've always hated the city anyway; I grew up in Idaho. I'm a country girl! I love nature, and I hate people! I hate cars! Being back in the country will have less of that stuff, and maybe I can relax, maybe the air won't smell of gasoline and smoke, maybe the grass will be green and the sky blue, and maybe I'll see little squirrels running up trees, gophers in holes in the ground, and butterflies in the spring and summer. Sure, we might end up somewhere where people are blind by religion and are homophobic, but since I'm in a heterosexual relationship, I most likely won't get hate for being pansexual, I'll just get annoyed with the dumbasses who claim there are only two genders, you know, like the internet. But I'll have room to work, relax, and exercise my creativity, I might have a yard, I might be able to see TREES!! I miss trees... I miss snow, too. I miss being able to drink water from the sink. I miss being able to afford groceries...

That's why I play The Sims. I can create my world. I can pretend to be happy. I can avoid my responsibilities. But when it comes down to it, I'm just another cog in the corrupted machine that is the US government, and just another pig trying to escape the herd of sheep I'm trapped in. Reality will always win.