I'm frustrated, so I need to vent. Really, I don't care if anyone reads or responds to this, but I've got to type it out to make myself feel better.
Yesterday on ModTheSims, I saw that someone had posted a "sociopath" trait. I was excited about this because, for one, I'm a sociopath and could use it for the sim I made accurate to my REAL self and not who I wish I was, but two, I have a Hannibal Lecter sim (from the TV series "Hannibal"), and I'd consider him a sociopath just because he cares about Will Graham, and he cared about Abigail Hobbes. Plus his childhood, his growing up, the things he's experienced make him more of a sociopath, even if he appears to be more of a psychopath, which he's not. ANYWAY, I was disappointed to see that the description of the trait was very inaccurate, and was basically the stereotypical belief of what sociopaths are. So I left a comment letting them know that it needed a little fine tuning, and offered up my assistance. They replied to me explaining what they thought a sociopath was, and i explained the ACTUAL facts. Note that I had no reason to be upset at this person, so I was not only civil, but kind, and I offered to answer any questions they had. I was not offended by the trait at all, simply disappointed and itching to help people better understand what we're like.
Today, I went on to see the trait was gone. I assumed the user had taken it down to fine tune it, and would later put it back up. Well, the title says it all, doesn't it? I was greeted with a message from a DIFFERENT user, and they accused me of faking mental illness, which that alone makes me want to beat the fucking shit out of them, makes me wish I could take my disabilities out of my body and shove them down their throat so that I'd be cured and THEY'D see just how much I was "faking." They assumed I was faking to get.... get this.... ATTENTION. It's bad enough that people actually do that, but when you're accused of it yourself, you can't help but feel like you want to destroy the world and all of the people who've fucked it up. Adults don't fake things for attention... or so I believed until I saw a documentary about a women who claimed to be a 9/11 survivor. She held the lie for like ten years, was all over the media, was even helpful to REAL survivors... but she wanted attention, and she was at least double the age than I am now, which is twenty-six. I was about eleven years old in 2001.
First off, I want to spew about the horrible things that can happen to our bodies and minds that we cannot control. I wish my brain was "normal," but genetics or WHATEVER made sure that didn't happen, and then my growing up made it worse. I was born with Bipolar II and social anxiety, showed signs of both early in my childhood, but my now disowned mother was an abusive druggie whore who wasn't even sure who my father was until they ran a paternity test to confirm it, so she was too busy getting drunk, high, spreading her legs for every guy, and hitting me for the stupidest of reasons (like having a fever just to name one) to realize that this little girl was not only terrified of EVERY SINGLE PERSON, but was also exhibiting violent and erratic behavior, not to mention swerves of emotion and thoughts about killing everyone who had hurt me and self hatred. The bitch even joked to her friends, "one minute, she'll go to her room screaming and crying, and then a minute later, she'll come out and be completely happy!" oh yeah, such a big joke, eh? RED FLAG you stupid whore. I didn't end up getting diagnosed until I was twelve or thirteen, and they put me on the wrong medication, not once, but TWICE. It made things worse, and I never trusted medication again until I turned twenty and finally decided to try again, or else I wasn't going to make it. Unfortunately, BPD gets worse as you get older.
However, because of everything I've experienced, which I don't need to go into detail about, I not only turned into a sociopath (psychopaths are born, sociopaths are made), but I also developed PTSD. I didn't know about this until I got a diagnosis about a year ago, and my boyfriend and I were baffled at how much it explained things; we had both been under the assumption that PTSD only affects those in the military, but when you think about it, that's kind of silly. It explained every single thing I do when I get "triggered" by something and have a "shell shock" episode (for lack of a better term), it explained my constant nightmares, which run every single night for a few months, and then I have a few weeks where I have normal nightmare and dreams before "nightmare season" starts up again. PTSD nightmares aren't like normal nightmares. So great! Aren't I just perfect? Oh, and a sociopath AND bipolar?? Alright, sociopaths CAN feel empathy for a select few number of people, but people with BPD often feel too much empathy. It's a strange experience, but it explains something. Sociopaths usually have a history of animal abuse. When I was a kid, I used to pull the legs off of daddy-long-legs. I didn't think they could feel pain, I thought it was funny. But this is MINISCULE compared to the animal abuse a lot of sociopaths commit. I feel disgusted with myself that I used to do that, and now I love animals so much, I can't even stand to see one get hurt in TV or movies. I watched "Babadook" and cried when the dog was killed. However, I don't care about a majority of humanity. If I don't know the person, I don't care. There are TWO people in my life I truly love and care about.
But THEN there are certain things that happen to people that DO horrify me, such as rape. No matter what, if someone has a history of sexual abuse, I feel sick. Fun fact: sociopaths hold their morals strong, but our morals are usually very one-sided and quite extreme. My hatred for sexual abuse comes from my belief that sex should NEVER be used as a weapon or in any dishonest way. In my life, it's a tool for love and love alone, and since polygamy isn't my thing, that tool only goes to one person, who is currently my boyfriend of over seven years, and plan to get married once we buy a house together. Sociopaths are also known to be fantastic liars, but that doesn't mean we all lie by default. Me? I've lied, I can lie, and I can manipulate almost anyone. But long ago, I decided that I didn't like being lied to, and I was lied to a LOT about a lot of very important things. I chose to never lie, and that has become like a religion to me, again, holding my morals strong and true. "But EVERYONE lies!" My belief on the situation is that liars are terrible people. It's extreme, isn't it? I know it, but that doesn't stop me from feeling that way. Another time I empathize with people I don't know is when they're going through the same shit I had, or AM going through. I'm not proud of who I am, I don't like being this way, and I don't like what I've become.
So I help people who come to me for advice. Why? Because I don't want them to end up like me. I want to help people learn to be strong against the battles they have to fight each day, I want to hear their success, their happiness, so that I may live vicariously through them. I imagine myself as them, imagine things getting better, and imagine being a much better and healthier person. The people who come to me are usually younger than me, and I've not only been successful in helping them, but I've really been given a look at other people's lives, their mentalities, how they work, what they see, and can fully appreciate that we're not all cookie cutter shapes, but different in many ways, even if we have the same problems.
But other than those two things, and other than being able to say, "that sucks" when hearing about misfortune coming to people I don't know, I can't seem to empathize with other humans other than my boyfriend and best friend. I just can't understand it. My best friend has pure empathy, and I can never understand her reactions to hearing about someone else's tragedy when she doesn't even know them. In fact, it was her who said, "you know, you might be a sociopath." Well, psychiatrists in my adult life have really helped me understand myself. Understanding yourself is the key to not being afraid of yourself. If you know what's wrong, you can find ways to cope with it. There's no cure for mental illness because "there's no money in the cure, there's money in the medicine" (-Chris Rock). So I've had to understand myself, learn about myself, and accept myself, even if I don't like myself... and take a handful of pills every day for the rest of my fucking life. Hey, at least they're working.
But it's safe to say that my entire life has been nothing but constant war, and I still have to fight until I die, whatever the cause may be. THAT'S why I'd like to punch this kid in the face. To have the audacity to accuse me of faking these things for attention? Listen, I don't do dishonest things for attention. First off, I'm a SOCIOPHOBE! I don't NEED attention except from my loved ones! And trust me, when I DO want public attention, I get it the RIGHT way: work hard to create something that other people and myself can enjoy. You need to EARN the things you want, you can't just cry and complain until you get your way. People like this kid think we're looking for pity or something, but sympathy is a fucking INSULT. I don't pity myself, and I don't WANT pity, I HATE when people say, "I feel sorry for you!" All we want is UNDERSTANDING. I assume that people who act this way accuse others of doing something because that's what THEY would do, not realizing that there are actually honest people in the world, as few as we are.
*Exhale* So... on to the next accusation. He accused me of reporting the trait, and that's why it was taken down. Yeah, no. I've NEVER reported ANYTHING on MTS or SexySims. I had no intention of reporting it, I didn't WANT it reported. This kid apparently thought I was "butt hurt" about the trait being created, but I wasn't! I thought it was innovative! I felt like it was an attempt to understand the less pleasant things in life, to not pretend it doesn't exist. Like same sex couples in kid's cartoons.... stop pretending it doesn't exist and just acknowledge it so kids learn the REALITY, and not grow up like their homophobic parents. These things, controversial, unpleasant, unhappy, or downright dark things need to be out in the open and understood just like happiness, cute things, success, and all of the good things that we hunger for. Otherwise we're just left in fear and misunderstandings.
Then the guy says, "2016 children make me cringe." It didn't help that he insert winky faces in the message. Kind things used in an insulting way is a tell tale sign of someone with anger issues. Trust me, I know. Being a teenager without medication is not something I want to relive. So, what did this mean? "2016 children?" Seriously, what does that mean? Because 2016 was last year, anyone born last year would still be an infant. T_T Ya know... DUH. And my birth date is not hidden on my MTS profile. I guess some kids can't understand what 1990 means, or anything before 2000 for that matter. Sure, I'm not the most mature person in the world, I get that. But REALLY? This is something that a little high schooler does! That's what makes me think this guy is at least fourteen, because adults just don't act that way, do they? I mean, I'M immature, but I can't imagine anyone my age or older being LESS mature than me. Then again, I also thought lying, smoking pot, and cheating on your partner were things that were rare, and I come into the real world to realize that they were so common, people who think like me are the rare ones! Conclusion: everyone is evil unless you discover they're not. NEVER TRUST ANYONE.
So, I replied, but I was not kind. Though I would've loved to chew him out, I still said everything I wanted to say in a professional manner that did not violate the site rules. After all, HE violated the rules, didn't he? So... I reported him. I let him know that I wasn't going to reply for a second time, and that if HE replied, anything he said could be counted against him. People like this need to be taught that there are consequences for their actions. If you do something bad, you must be punished. Why? Because the world works in reverse: Bad things happen to good people, and bad people just keep climbing their way to the top as if blessed by the kisses of baby angels. Well, if I can't punish someone directly, I still have to find a way to make sure... or at least TRY to make sure they receive punishment that is deserved based on their offense. My satisfaction would be if he got kicked off the site, but if this is his first offence, then the reality is, it only deserves a warning. I mean, really, what did he EXPECT me to do? Well, if he thinks I'm a kid, he probably expected me to engage in a drama filled flame war, and, I'm sorry, but even as childish as I am, I am WAY above that. It doesn't change the fact that it bugged me.
Well, I tried searching for the user who uploaded the trait... if someone DID report it, I want to make sure they know it wasn't me. I want to let them know that I WANTED the trait, I just thought it'd be better if it were accurate, because if it weren't, someone WOULD get offended. #PCPowerRangers, am I right?
But I'm pretty short tempered, I can get more upset about things than one normally should, I'm erratic, and I often feel that real world justice isn't enough, and that bad people need to be treated worse. It's a huge flaw in my personality, but no matter what I've tried, I can't fix it, so I've accepted it. What's the use of running from yourself if you and yourself are wearing the same shoes? Yourself is always going to be right there with you. I've got a lot of flaws, they make my self hatred worse, but medication keeps me from having suicidal urges. Still, I need to rant/vent when something bugs me. Society has conditioned us to believe that, if we show more emotion than a shovel, we're trying to get attention. We've been taught to keep our heads down and eyes shut, and only respond when a free-thinker speaks their mind. That's when we're supposed to raise our guns and shoot that mother fucker down until they fall silent once again, or until they die. Whichever comes first. It's cowardice, and I am no coward. I'd rather die on my feet than live on my knees, and that's why I DON'T hide what I'm thinking, that's why I DON'T hide my emotions or my problems. I know the consequences, and I know they'll anger me, but I want to encourage others to not turn into mindless sheep. I want people to speak up and FEEL, because living beings have emotions.
Truth of the matter is, if I don't vent, I bottle things up. It just keeps filling until it reaches the cap, and when it's stressing under its own filled capacity, the cap doesn't pop off, the entire bottle breaks, and medication or not, I have an attack. They're more violent and dangerous if I'm not on my meds because then I have a psychotic attack. People who experience the same thing know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. Other people cringe and feel like that's only something that happens in fiction. I wish reality would kick them hard in the face. The ONLY way to keep myself from having any sort of attack is to vent. My boyfriend works retail, and he's a Shift Lead (equivalent to Assistant Manager), so he's gone forty hours a week. I have no living thing to talk to except for my rats, but venting to them isn't quite the same since we can't speak the same language, but communicate through emotion. If I'm upset, they get upset too, and they don't deserve that.
So... on wordpress I have my blogs, on youtube, I have my "long ass rants" because I can never stick to one topic. People can read/listen to them, or they don't, it never matters to me. The surprise came when people actually LIKED my LARs on youtube, I didn't expect anyone to actually listen. It's for me. It's for me because it feels like I AM being heard, it feels like I AM speaking to someone, even if I'm not. And it works, it really does. I actually feel a lot better after writing this, but I will not be completely satisfied until I can find that user on MTS and make sure they know I had no ill intent. Sociopaths may not feel guilt often, but man, when we do... it's parasitic.
Still... my violent mind still wants to kick this kid's ass. Thank god for common sense.
Disclaimer: This entry has not been proofread. I apologize for typos.