Welcome, my fellow blackmailers and those who aspire to do this most lucrative and safe profession all over the vast tundra of Skyrim - if you know what to do and how to achieve your goals. I, the humble writer and bandit of the month for several years, will explain to you step by step how to abduct your very first target and earn sweet gold as a reward for your hard and sweaty work.

Step 1: Your target.

Finding a good target to abduct is one of the most crucial decisions you’ll have to make in order to get the most Septims out of your limited time, so choose wisely. I can tell you from painful experience that trying to abduct a tall Orc brute is neither easy nor will it yield much profit, so don't risk your balls and try to capture one; aim for children instead. Little girls in particular are rather easy to lure into dark corners and their parents will gladly pay you anything you want to get their little sunshine back. But beware: Orphans DON'T have parents, so you won't get any money from them, at least not unless you want to dig up their parents and steal from their corpses.

Another group of potential captives are young women who’ve just reached the right age to get married. No, don't think about marrying your captives now, you want to sell these gals back to their parents after all. The reason they’ll easily submit to you and won't give you much trouble is due to the simple yet effective threat to deflower them: The fear of losing her virginity to an evil man or woman like us should help keep her quiet.

Step 2: Abduct your target.

This step is a piece of cake: wait for a chance to capture the target. Make sure you don't lose any limbs to the blades of any guard that might be watching as you introduce your club to the back of the target’s heads and make them lose consciousness; you should try to avoid being seen by one anyway.

Step 3: Congratulate yourself on abducting your very first target.

I think this one is self-explanatory, but well done. Soon you will be the most feared bandit between wherever you currently are and a few feet next to that!

Step 4: Binding the target.

Now that's the real deal: You need to force your target to stay silent and prevent any chances she has of escaping - you chose a female as your first target, right? If not, have fun with your challenge!

There are plenty of tools to achieve that, from simple ropes and pieces of clothing to advanced gadgets and toys. Let’s start with the easiest way to hold your target in place:

Ropes.

A rope is a very simple way to restrain your abducted target and offers various advantages towards other tools of bondage. For example they are very easy to transport and if you ever have to explain why you have some with you you can do that by simply mentioning you are a traveling rope merchant. Beware the excuse that you want to use it to hang yourself though, guards will often tend to escort you to the nearest temple and ask the priests to take of you. Trust me, it is difficult to get out of this one even after swearing by the love of Mara that you don't want to commit suicide anymore, they won't believe you at first.

Ropes have a downside though: if your captive is flexible enough she can easily free herself, especially if the ropes aren't tight enough around her wrists and ankles. But if you bind them too tightly the ropes will slowly cut themselves into her skin and flesh, causing not only pain but also a reduced price once you sell her back to her parents.

There is a very nice alternative to ropes though:

Armbinders.

If you ever lay your hands on such a device you can smile broadly and look forward to all the fun you’ll have watching your captive struggle while wearing one. I can tell you, there is nothing sweeter than a girl wearing an armbinder that keeps her arms behind her back and prevents most of the movements her arms could do without these bindings.

Even though it is rather unhandy to transport and to put on, the armbinder offers a safe way to restrain your target without hurting her and, which is even better, without offering her any chance of escaping. No matter what size that girl might have, regardless if she’s a fat hag or a little girl, it is impossible to free oneself without help.

I can speak of my own experience here: I once tried one on myself after I bought one of these rare devices from a fence:

Escaping is not possible. I spent several hours trying many different approaches like attempting to break the armbinder by rubbing it against a blade - nothing worked. My former companion - guess who killed him and why - laughed as he observed my struggle and said he'd only free me if I do a few things for him first; it was rather humiliating to bend over bound like that and let him use me any way he wanted, but the dagger in his heart made up for that shame again afterwards.

Step 5: Get your earned gold.

After sending a note to your target's relatives or friends and making it clear you want money for her safe return you need to prepare the exchange. Choose a time around midnight and a location that provides you with not only a way to get there unseen but also to retreat without leaving a trace.

Always keep in mind: First the money, then the girl, so never let her go before you’ve got sweet Septims in your hand. The reason is simple: that way you can't be fooled by the captive's parents and won't end up with nothing in your hands, but then you also have the option of simply taking the money AND the girl.

You may want to ask now why you should do that, but there’s a simple answer to that as well: Some girls will fall in love with you. Sounds strange, I know, but it happens regularly. Even I had a nice young woman once who wanted to stay with me rather than get her freedom back.

I couldn't help myself but laugh as I sold her to some slavers and waved after her as she was led away with tears in her eyes. Sorry, girl, I prefer the company of other men.

Congratulations, fellow bandit. You now know how to abduct a girl and start earning your living as a humble, yet very rich and fancy blackmailer.

Why are you still reading this? Go and catch your first target!