Some advice?

[Just your friend]

Hello LoversLab!

(first of all: If I wrote something wrong than forgive me, English is not my native language but feel free to correct me because I'm really open to learn it ) 

I've read LL rules and I think it is not against rules to post it (if it is then I will delete this topic) so here I go:

I've spent some time on LL and learned that LL community is just great. People here are very open minded, helpful and cheerful. But it also took me some time to write it down over here. Okay LL...I'm waiting for You. I've got a small (or rather I said BIG) personal problem. I didn't wanted to post it anywhere but now I really don't know what to do. Let me introduce it to You. Currently I'm in relationship with a girl what I will call in this text "girl A" or just "a". We are in this relation for 2 years now but from it begining it wasn't healthy relationship. She met me and after some time and better knowing of each other she wanted to be something more than just friends. But at that moment I had big crush on other girl ("girl B") and she wanted (girl A) me to decide: she or her. It was very hard because I though that I was very in love with girl B but after couple of weeks me and girl A became a couple. I wasn't perfect relationship through this 2 years, all this time I had girl B in my mind (just can't let her go so easily) and now we have some hard times with my girl because we are trying to recover our relationship and begin it from start, forget everything that happen and star over again. And there goes my problem. To be honest I think that I still love the girl B, I want to take her on a date, spend some time with her and say to her what are my feelings toward her and about girl A...well...she loves me like crazy. But also we don't fit each other, we argue a lot and well...from my point of view it's not working. But she wants to try. At the same time girl B seems to be perfect for me because we talk often to each other and we seems to be like siblings. We know each other very well, share same problems, like same things etc. So whats are you advices LoversLab? What should I do? Should I stay with girl A and we will come to something someday or just let her go and try my luck with girl B? Because I'm really confused and I don't know what to do

[Guest]

well it needs 2 people in relationship and as i understand it ure not really commited in both body and mind becouse u want girl nr 2, if u really preciate the time u had with girl A and have respect for her and care for her let her go, she will have the chance to find the person right for her( no need be in relation if both are unhappy). break up as friends w8 a month or so then try with girl b the one u really want.

[Just your friend]

3 minutes ago, theru said:

well it needs 2 people in relationship and as i understand it ure not really commited in both body and mind becouse u want girl nr 2, if u really preciate the time u had with girl A and have respect for her and care for her let her go, she will have the chance to find the person right for her( no need be in relation if both are unhappy). break up as friends w8 a month or so then try with girl b the one u really want.

I tried to leave and I understand that but problem is that she doesn't want me to leave. Even if I try, she always want me back (not only for romantic relationship but for things that I'll keep for myself)

[Guest]

Just now, Salman said:

I tried to leave and I understand that but problem is that she doesn't want me to leave. Even if I try, she always want me back (not only for romantic relationship but for things that I'll keep for myself)

sometime u need to cut it short and just walk away, if u think ure doing u or her a favor by comming back to her or stay ure wrong, as time goes and this continue this so called friendship will be beyond repair and both of u will be broken and so hurted for next potential relationship .( future ones). and u will have lost the friendship u might could have beore damage is to much

[Just your friend]

8 minutes ago, theru said:

sometime u need to cut it short and just walk away, if u think ure doing u or her a favor by comming back to her or stay ure wrong, as time goes and this continue this so called friendship will be beyond repair and both of u will be broken and so hurted for next potential relationship .( future ones). and u will have lost the friendship u might could have beore damage is to much

Yeah, it may be the thing. 

[Guest]

6 minutes ago, Salman said:

Yeah, it may be the thing. 

well i wish u good luck and i hope u do the right decision

[Just your friend]

7 minutes ago, theru said:

well i wish u good luck and i hope u do the right decision

Thank you 

[Guest Katherlne]

What a relationships you want?

Sex, party and etc? 

Marriage, children's and etc? 

Choice girl what a better suitable for one of this relationships types.

[Just your friend]

1 minute ago, Katherlne said:

What a relationships you want?

Sex, party and etc? 

Marriage, children's and etc? 

Choice girl what a better suitable for one of this relationships types.

Well, the girl that I'm currently with is now thinking about marriage and children. But she doesn't think about me, that I'm not prepared for this and I don't want to take this big step. 

[Guest Katherlne]

7 minutes ago, Salman said:

 I'm not prepared for this and I don't want to take this big step. 

So, you young and want a fun. Just take this until you grow up and start thinking about a family.

[Just your friend]

1 minute ago, Katherlne said:

So, you young and want a fun. Just take this until you grow up and start thinking about a family.

I didn't said that I'm not thinking about it. I'm just not thinking about with her. Because after these 2 years with her I think that I don't know her that good to marry her and have children. It's something like: when I'm with her (not always but mostly) I can feel it. I want it. But when she leaves then...well...just go already.

[Guest Katherlne]

5 minutes ago, Salman said:

I didn't said that I'm not thinking about it. I'm just not thinking about with her. Because after these 2 years with her I think that I don't know her that good to marry her and have children. It's something like: when I'm with her (not always but mostly) I can feel it. I want it. But when she leaves then...well...just go already.

You away from main topic - girl choice. Think about what a relationship you want and choice girl what a best for your choice. And yes, don't forget about - "temporary feelings", maybe new girl it's just a temporary sexual affection.

[Jazzman]

5 minutes ago, Salman said:

I didn't said that I'm not thinking about it. I'm just not thinking about with her. Because after these 2 years with her I think that I don't know her that good to marry her and have children. It's something like: when I'm with her (not always but mostly) I can feel it. I want it. But when she leaves then...well...just go already.

If you can't see past a choice you don't understand, don't make a call 'cause you can't predict the outcome, not even in the short run.

[Just your friend]

5 minutes ago, Katherlne said:

You away from main topic - girl choice. Think about what a relationship you want and choice girl what a best for your choice. And yes, don't forget about - "temporary feelings", maybe new girl it's just a temporary sexual affection.

Nope. That new girl isn't just temporary sexual affection. I've had big crush on her for 5 years so...the girl that I'm with just showed up from nowhere and said to me (when we met a little better) "Me or her. Decide.". It is very difficult relationship, for both of us, but when I try to end it she just pushes me to come back to her, not even giving me a choice. Even if I want. She just (not literally) jumps on me and says "you are MINE!".

[Just your friend]

7 minutes ago, Jazzman said:

If you can't see past a choice you don't understand, don't make a call 'cause you can't predict the outcome, not even in the short run.

I always try to predict the outcome. I'm big thinker (and gosh I can't sleep cuz of that) but tbh I can't find any method to finish this. As I wrote response to Katherine

"Even if I want (end this relation). She just (not literally) jumps on me and says "you are MINE!"."

So I don't know how to do that. I tried a lot but it's always the same scenario: she stops talking to me, I try to do something with myself, try to move on, she is still not talking to me, I'm still trying, doing something and then she pops up like "love me, I want you to love me!". Even if I want to let her go I can't because she's like glued to me.

[Dinosaurus]

16 minutes ago, Salman said:

Nope. That new girl isn't just temporary sexual affection. I've had big crush on her for 5 years so...the girl that I'm with just showed up from nowhere and said to me (when we met a little better) "Me or her. Decide.". It is very difficult relationship, for both of us, but when I try to end it she just pushes me to come back to her, not even giving me a choice. Even if I want. She just (not literally) jumps on me and says "you are MINE!".

 

Unless she is also holding a weapon and keeping you tied up in a closet you have a choice.

Maybe you are not brave enough to STICK to the choice. But you have a choice. You do NOT have to go back with her. Let her say "mine mine mine" over and over. Let her cry and say "come back to me!" STICK to your "No."

 

You are not happy.

 

You have been with her 2 years while wanting another girl. That is already a big relationship failure (unless you two are polyamorous, but it doesn't sound like you are). You need to maybe tell her that for 2 years you have been wanting to really be with someone else. It's not just a passing thing. Afterall, you say already in the beginning you told girl A about this other girl and she tried to make you choose.

 

Of course, it is possible girl B will not want to date you either, of course. You said you two are like siblings, so she may prefer to just be good friends with you. To have you like a brother and not a lover.

 

But whether girl B wants to date you back or not, doesn't matter. You should break up with girl A. And keep strong. Do not speak to her for some time, if you must. Tell her to be mature and reasonable about it. That there are problems and you don't want to work them out. Perhaps even show her this *thread/topic* here on Lovers Lab. Or show her at least what you said. You have said honestly here that you don't really want to work things out with girl A. Even tho you know she loves you.

 

This is fine. Not everyone is meant to be together.

 

However. It is wrong, in my opinion, to stay with someone you do not love. Especially when you are young AND do not even have children with someone. i can see, sometimes, staying together "for the kids". Or even staying together because you are 70 years old, and figure there is no time to find someone else. But if there are no kids, and you are young, then you should leave girl A. Let her find someone who will love HER and not yearn for some other girl for 2 years!! It is unfair of you to stay with girl A.

 

If she cries, she will get over it. If she texts you often, she will eventually stop. Give her a chance to find someone who fits with her better than you. Give yourself a chance, also, to find someone you love as well.

[Dinosaurus]

25 minutes ago, Salman said:

I always try to predict the outcome. I'm big thinker (and gosh I can't sleep cuz of that) but tbh I can't find any method to finish this. As I wrote response to Katherine

"Even if I want (end this relation). She just (not literally) jumps on me and says "you are MINE!"."

So I don't know how to do that. I tried a lot but it's always the same scenario: she stops talking to me, I try to do something with myself, try to move on, she is still not talking to me, I'm still trying, doing something and then she pops up like "love me, I want you to love me!". Even if I want to let her go I can't because she's like glued to me.

 

If she is stalking you in real life call the police. Or threaten to her that you might, which might be enough to make her stop harassing you.

 

She seems to have unhealthy behaviour from what you describe here. However, you also seem to have unhealthy behaviour since you seem to be unable to just *ignore her*. Don't give her the time of day if she's that obsessive.

 

Stick firm and tell her "No. i do not love you. i do not want to love you. i UNDERstand that you would like me to love you, but love does not work that way. It is cruel of me to stay with you when i do not love you. We are not going to ever work our relationship out because i don't want to be with you." If you can't say this outloud because you are too scared or lack the courage, email or text. It is better than nothing.

 

Of course. In the end you must make the choice yourself. However, as a girl myself.. i know i would rather someone break my heart (even if i was obsessed with them) by honestly telling me they don't love me and that i need to find someone else. You can soften the blow by maybe telling her something good about herself. "You deserve someone who loves you fully back, but i just don't. i never will. You deserve better than what i can give you. And, i deserve to be happy as well. We aren't good for each other. Nothing you can say will make me give us another chance. i'm sorry that me saying that hurts you."

 

But you really do need to be strong and stick to the break up. Do not "feel sorry for girl A" and then try to work things out with her. That is more cruel in the end to both you and her.

[Just your friend]

4 minutes ago, Dinosaurus said:

 

Unless she is also holding a weapon and keeping you tied up in a closet you have a choice.

Maybe you are not brave enough to STICK to the choice. But you have a choice. You do NOT have to go back with her. Let her say "mine mine mine" over and over. Let her cry and say "come back to me!" STICK to your "No."

 

You are not happy.

 

You have been with her 2 years while wanting another girl. That is already a big relationship failure (unless you two are polyamorous, but it doesn't sound like you are). You need to maybe tell her that for 2 years you have been wanting to really be with someone else. It's not just a passing thing. Afterall, you say already in the beginning you told girl A about this other girl and she tried to make you choose.

 

Of course, it is possible girl B will not want to date you either, of course. You said you two are like siblings, so she may prefer to just be good friends with you. To have you like a brother and not a lover.

 

But whether girl B wants to date you back or not, doesn't matter. You should break up with girl A. And keep strong. Do not speak to her for some time, if you must. Tell her to be mature and reasonable about it. That there are problems and you don't want to work them out. Perhaps even show her this *thread/topic* here on Lovers Lab. Or show her at least what you said. You have said honestly here that you don't really want to work things out with girl A. Even tho you know she loves you.

 

This is fine. Not everyone is meant to be together.

 

However. It is wrong, in my opinion, to stay with someone you do not love. Especially when you are young AND do not even have children with someone. i can see, sometimes, staying together "for the kids". Or even staying together because you are 70 years old, and figure there is no time to find someone else. But if there are no kids, and you are young, then you should leave girl A. Let her find someone who will love HER and not yearn for some other girl for 2 years!! It is unfair of you to stay with girl A.

 

If she cries, she will get over it. If she texts you often, she will eventually stop. Give her a chance to find someone who fits with her better than you. Give yourself a chance, also, to find someone you love as well.

You're right. TBH I didn't thought that someone will just give this thread a quick response, thought that some people will react like "oh come on, just do what you want and grow up". But you said exactly what I need to do but exactly what I'm not capable of. I really need to just stick on mine but I just need to make a breakthrough and be strong enough to do it to her. I know that making her stay with me is also a bad thing to do but damn...I just can't stand her being so upset. But I'll try to do something with it.

[Dinosaurus]

Breaking up is hard, i know. Sometimes it's really hard to stick with it. It's hard to watch someone hurt and cry. (Well for most people, some people do not seem bothered by seeing others hurting!!)

 

It sounds to me like you do care about girl A, since you don't like to see her sad. Which is understandable you have been together for 2 years, even if it has been difficult. But, of course, caring enough to not like to see her upset is not the same as the kind of love that makes you want to date someone, of course. :)

 

Good luck in whatever you decide tho. i hope you can find happiness.

[Just your friend]

5 minutes ago, Dinosaurus said:

Breaking up is hard, i know. Sometimes it's really hard to stick with it. It's hard to watch someone hurt and cry. (Well for most people, some people do not seem bothered by seeing others hurting!!)

 

It sounds to me like you do care about girl A, since you don't like to see her sad. Which is understandable you have been together for 2 years, even if it has been difficult. But, of course, caring enough to not like to see her upset is not the same as the kind of love that makes you want to date someone, of course. :)

 

Good luck in whatever you decide tho. i hope you can find happiness.

Thank you very much :)

I'll try to finally do something with it and maybe make her suffer less and make us both happy.