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shout out to my helpers, and a personal dump


darkconsole

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i just wanted to take a moment to voice appreciation for the users helping other users out on my mods and threads because while i have been actively lurking, i have been quiet on them. and cpu bless his heart i dont know why he talks to me some days when i get into this funk of which i am about to describe.

 

this is a continuation of a rant on IRC because when i try and voice this in a live chat channel, i end up bashing the enter key too often.

 

lately both online and in real life i have been struggling with keeping what i can only describe as "unrestrained rage" in check. like someone will say something, or do something, and i will see it as such a fucking retarded thing that i will just explode and go apeshit over it. that's why i have been quiet lately. quite a few times in the past few weeks i have had to hurry up and edit a post right after posting it when i realised how much of a dick i have been and hoping i got to it before they read it. in my defense, a lot of the things ARE really fucking stupid, like the way people dick around in traffic. but there are also a lot of innocent things that are setting me off too. after about the 3rd time i got asked why i made asbestos a requirement for my "craft bags of cement" mod i literally exploded at how these "god damn millennials" have no idea how asbestos was in everything including concrete in the "golden age" which fallout represents. that is an example of a post i had to edit quickly after.

 

its not the modding community doing it to me, i dont feel like people demanding free shit is ruining the experience of creation ((i worded it that way intentionally as a reference to many threads generally on nexus to cry babies both modders and players (i was even accused of being an entited twat on the cbbe thread when i was just trying to voice legit things))). i have people even donating on patreon which is just bonus income that lets me shed a few hours of contract work for actual fun. so if anything, the modding community is a positive force in that regard.

 

is it a normal stage for people? i'm going to be 30 this spring, but the way i behave nobody believes it which is yet another thing that makes me so mad. am i going through like a 2nd puberty that nobody ever talks about? i dont know. i just really want people to know that im not the worst possible thing, and that im still around modding even i been quiet.

 

im still bouncing around between fo4 and skyrim. never expected to get sucked into fallout4 but there is something so tranquil about a world that has been wiped clean, and justice can be served as i see fit. i've honestly felt like i wish fallout 4 was real life sometimes. i am not a ruthless dictator. i have let many-a-people go for minor transgressions. though i did shoot that preston impersonator in the ass until he died when he ran away.

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Ahh the blissful 30. Dont worry, few years more and then the internet-hatemachine has chewed all of the humanity that was left in you.

At that point you have achieved nirvana, tranquillity and greater understanding.

 

Allthough even then you have to watch out when dealing with King alcohol, it tends to wake ancient demons of the past if you write something in the internet ;)

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I have similar rages occasionally too. This was probably boosted by hormones. Yeah hurray for 2nd puberty...

Sometimes I am very tolerant, but sometimes I could just choke somebody. I dont think you should blame yourself on these, that just makes it alot worse and all it does is makes you hate yourself (which makes you even more rude and blunt with people even with those who doesnt deserve it). For me these usually lasts for a few weeks or a month. Then I am back to normal.

I work at a service desk since 7 years, and trust me, there is nothing worse when your collegues are dumber than the users XD

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it has nothing to do with 30, i'm 50 and been dealing with the same issue for 30+ years, both online and off <been online since 2400 baud BBS's> I think what is happening is this, There have always been stupid.. its nt just millenials, its all generational demographics. but lately, say the last 6 or 7 years, its like a dumbfuck virus has struck, the amount of stupidity has grown exponentially, thus making your tolerance for it much shorter <at least it has for me>. I no longer "rage" as much, in time you will realize it doesn't do any good other then to get stuff off your chest. I do however continually bitch to my girlfriend who has taken to calling me a "grumpy old curmudgeon" and expects me to drift into the "you kids get offa my lawn stage" any day now. My advice is to find someone you can bitch privately too < I call my GF into my office all the time to have her look at stupid shit and i can bitch about it...Its save many a FB relationship. I also complain to my cats and dogs, they seem to understand better them my GF about how stupidity in grating on the nerves> truly just vocalizing your frustrations can help alot and actually calling someone  a stupid motherfucker, even if they can't hear you, seems to be much more soothing then typing it even if you are typing it so they can see it. One thing is for certain, as I get older, my tolerance of stupidity gets shorter, could be age, but more likely its because it is much more prolific these days. I surely don't remember this much stupidity in the 80's, and I thought THAT was a dumb fucking decade....

 

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I know, i have similar ones if not the sames. Issues/poeple/stupidity/etc I'd normally just ignore but during those times even the smallest things can trigger me into a psychopath. Sometimes I start to breath heavily and I have visions where I am hurting people :/ I dont like those times >.>

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Guessing those feelings are normal whenever you shift from one "seaon of your life" (spring till thirty, sommer till 45 / 50 e.g.). Maybe it's just something burried within your mind. Maybe a reality you don't want to confront - hurting you like the wound that would start healing if you only could start tonguing it. Hard to say, but hey, we are all adults - if people don't give you the room you need, screw them.

 

Besides that, and I'm only talking for me here: as long as I am an average user, and I get all those nice mods without having to spend a nickel, I'd never complain to a person so productive and sharing like you. It's just bad manners.

 

Thanks for everything. And all the best wishes for your 3rd decade.

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So... you're acting like an overly sensitive asshole who wants to tell overly entitled assholes that they're assholes, while defending said assholism?? Sorry, poor attempt at humor. I don't know if it's an age so much as a mentality to be so easily irked by a thought or action that you disagree with as being "retarded". I will say being so volatile in real life will make living with people difficult, but, that's a problem to many people have anyway.

 

Regarding mods, maybe this isn't the correct way to word this, but, as a creator, you are entitled to a certain god complex; I mean, you created something for yourself that you allow others to use, and while criticism should be expected, you shouldn't be expected to change everything about your work to accommodate some random asshole, right? 

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First thing that comes to mind is 'stress'.  It can put you into hissy fit if someone just says 'cat'.  If you're under lot of pressure - source doesn't really matter, whether it's work, family, finances, deadlines, or life in general - it can just kind of wear you down to point where you lash out from smallest things..  something that gets on your nerves, or just something that doesn't immediately work out the way it was supposed to.  And it can build up over time.. weeks, months, even years.

 

I've no way of knowing if that's what's getting to you, but it's a possibility.

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I concur with reikiri; I also experience moments/phases of aggression, and I'm pretty sure it's because I'm stressed out. That doesn't neccessarily make it true for you, but you should consider this.

 

For me, the stress isn't coming from having deadlines at work (it's quite chill, actually), but from my surroundings. I am an introvert, and being surrounded by people all day, especially crowded public transport, just causes stress. It's a negligible amount every day, so hard to notice, but it builds up over years.

 

My original draft for this post included a statement about stupidity on the internet, but I don't want to derail the thread. Let's just say "lens of the internet". We are all stupid sometimes.

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is it a normal stage for people? i'm going to be 30 this spring, but the way i behave nobody believes it which is yet another thing that makes me so mad. am i going through like a 2nd puberty that nobody ever talks about? i dont know. i just really want people to know that im not the worst possible thing, and that im still around modding even i been quiet.

Actually, yes. If you're interested and can find it, read "Seasons of a Man's Life". (Applies to women too, but the author justifies the title because he did his research on men and he didn't want to theorize in advance of his data. And there's a whole other research topic in that.)

 

Anyway, in his scheme the 20's are a "trial adult" phase. The 30's transition is when you assess your life, decide it's all shit, and look for a way to change it up to introduce more stability and "real" life. 

 

So yeah, it's normal. 

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I can concur with pretty much everything that's been stated in this thread so far. I've just recently turned 32 so I can understand where you are coming from, and let me tell you life is so full of those moments where it seams the stupidity of humanity is so daunting and next to overwhelming that there is little else for options than to go on a verbally vicious rampage, obliterating all persons/places/things in your path. In the long run (as you've stated) things generally turn out for the worst once the path of destruction comes to a halt, but the absolution at the moment of execution is akin to a release like none other.

That said, a thread like this is a great way to alleviate the need for the rampage, so too can be just talking with a friend or family member. It not only helps to get things off you chest, but also shows that you are NOT ALONE in these feelings, that you are perfectly normal (if anyone can be said to be so), and that yes, you are in fact are surrounded by assholes, dipshits, and the occasional ignorant fuck. The work around for this is to realize that YOU are not any of the afore mentioned fucks, that you are indeed a valuable asset to the human race, that the world would undoubtedly be less were it not for your existence, and that people a world apart, people you've never met appreciate you and the wonderful art that you create.

I myself am one of them... an appreciator, not an ignorant fuck...err at least I hope to think so.

What you create blows my mind, I couldnt' even hope to do a fraction of what you can, and the fact that you spend time to make the things you do and offer them to the world, even knowing that those jack asses are going to berate, nitpick, and question your art I find admiable to say the least. There is a supreme generosity I find in the modding community, more so in the modders/ animators/ and coders themselves who put in so much work/ dedication/ love/ time into what is essentially a gift to the world, in as thankless a medium as the Interwebs. So I for one what to formally thank you, not only for your wonderful mods, but also for being you, your awesome, beautiful, unique, and perfect self.

Don't let the douche-bags and thunder cunts get to you, but if they do just remember; you're awesome.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I think it is a process you're going through, and i can tell you're definitively in the right track. The fact that you are aware of the "rage" and the puberty-like change are great signs, I would say you're in the other side of the fence, believe me when i tell you that some people never reach this stage of adulthood. 

 

Just be patient and everything will sort itself out but also be careful not to give in to the dark side :lol: . 

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