What tools and paraphernalia are appropriate for beginner BDSM enthusiasts?

[vicecrufoli]

Hi. Look, I'm sure you as more experienced people can advise on what tools and paraphernalia are suitable for beginner BDSM enthusiasts.

[Guest]

On 11/12/2024 at 10:09 AM, vicecrufoli said:

Hi. Look, I'm sure you as more experienced people can advise on what tools and paraphernalia are suitable for beginner BDSM enthusiasts.

Really i think it is more of  what the new person is comfortable with. However It's Always conversation first  and find out if you are the one who wants to be  the Dom or the Sub. When you figure out your position with BDSM ,the real fun begins! I hope this helps and if you want to ask more questions let me know!

[Maximus King]

On 11/12/2024 at 9:09 AM, vicecrufoli said:

Hi. Look, I'm sure you as more experienced people can advise on what tools and paraphernalia are suitable for beginner BDSM enthusiasts.

Well, I would consider your ropes. I really like silk sashes as tie-downs. Very comfortable and the cloth is sexier than cuffs. Cuffs are pretty uncomfortable and better suited for a hardcore experienced couple. I'm more into a soft approach. Soft with the tie-downs, anyway, not so much my technique 😉

Also, always lube. Lube is awesome. I personally recommend Uber-Lube. NOT good for silica toys but really good for pussy and butt play. It's more expensive than some but it works wonderfully. For silica toys, I use Lovense brand Water based lubricant. Very slickery and not prone to gumming up like so many water-soluble lubes to. For oral use or if a mouth is going to be applied at some point, look for a good water-soluble lube. I've used the brand Sex Tarts and it's pretty good. It can be difficult to find them clean (no unhealthy ingredients and still effective. Hopefully someone more knowledgeable will help you on that one. Also, always remember coconut oil. Edible, clean, smells nice, and isn't prone to promoting bacteria. Olive oil is an acceptable alternative, too. 

A soft blindfold can be a good tool, too. Many are ill fitting and push the eyelashes in an unpleasant way. Find a good blindfold that has a little cup to it, so it avoids that discomfort. 

Same consideration for gags. Comfort is important. Do some research and communicate with all partners. Find out if anybody is into being gagged. Start there. If somebody is into that, then research together to find a fun option. In a pinch, you can use panties and tape. If you're really into being gagged, though, you'll want a good tool for that. 

Also, if you are into spanking, open hand is great to start but you may want to play with some entry level (soft, not hard) paddles or something like that. Some folks are into the hardcore spanking experience but again, I'm a light touch. No lasting marks, just nice pink butt cheeks. Hand is my favorite but even you hand can start to sting after a few good swats. Go with a softer option and it has more long-term use. Great to switch out to from open hand. 

Toys are your friend. Get appropriately sized toys (dildos, silica coated vibes, etc.). If they're too small, they don't scratch the itch. If they're too big, it isn't as fun because it's uncomfortable. But remember that sex is PLAY! Sex is always supposed to be fun for everybody involved. Toys are good. Plus, try to get good toys. Cheap toys are often junk. You will probably have to spend a bit in this category but choose wisely and your toy can last a long time. A collection can be developed. I've bought many toys from Lovense. High quality silica coated options, a bit expensive but more reliable for long-term use than many others. 

Hopefully some part of this is useful. If not, I hope you find the answers you seek 👍😎

[Guest]

I have a Lovense...and I love it.

[Maximus King]

13 hours ago, Bella Dawn said:

I have a Lovense...and I love it.

So... Do you have any of the toys that are Bluetooth enabled? 

Asking for a, um, sociology project. Yeah. No personal interest at all 😏

I've got a Max (obvious pick, right?), and a Solace.

[Guest]

40 minutes ago, Maximus King said:

So... Do you have any of the toys that are Bluetooth enabled?

 

hehehe...possibly.

[Maximus King]

1 hour ago, Bella Dawn said:

 

hehehe...possibly.

Compelling concept. The intrigue deepens 👀🤔

More data needed...

[Guest]

It's a Flexer.  

[Maximus King]

2 hours ago, Bella Dawn said:

It's a Flexer.  

Nice toy. Bluetooth enabled. 

Ah, the mind boggles at the infinite possibilities this world offers...

[Guest]

24 minutes ago, Maximus King said:

Ah, the mind boggles at the infinite possibilities this world offers...

 

Indeed it truly does. May need to "connect" soon.  

[Count Chocula]

Have a variety of things at hand. Options are good. Start out with the wadded up pillow case and gradually work up to the razor blades.

[Lyyli]

On 11/12/2024 at 10:09 AM, vicecrufoli said:

Hi. Look, I'm sure you as more experienced people can advise on what tools and paraphernalia are suitable for beginner BDSM enthusiasts.

 

That really depends on what you're exploring, BDSM is a big space with a lot of different types of activities. It can be very overwhelming, for sure. Really probably the first question is are you exploring this with a partner or by yourself?

 

If you are without a partner (or just wanna skip to the recs), you can skip down a bit. Otherwise...

• It's cliche but true, communication is key. In early play sessions, even if you're prepared to explore whatever, set some bounds -- this'll help both whoever is topping and whoever is bottoming. You may feel like a kid at the candy store, but you can't actually try everything at the same time. =p
• While you're learning both what you each like and what you like together, make sure you both are doing checkins. You'll hear this advice a lot for tops, but it applies to bottoms too, when with novice tops. That's 'cause tops can easily end up in a headspace where they're doing something out of obligation, or even things they ultimately find distressing. The checkins are there to make sure you pause for a second and think about how you feel, so you can both adjust if need be.
• You're a novice: Never do scene planning or negotiating while maintaining a D/s dynamic. Subs, novice subs in particular, may find it very hard to get out of the sub headspace enough to express concerns. With experience this rule gets blurry, like a lot of things, but starting out (or imo, anytime in a new relationship) there are too many things that can go wrong if you don't do this.
• Learn about aftercare and approach that similarly -- you and your partner will have to find what works as aftercare for both of you. Aftercare is just as important for tops as bottoms, though many tops only learn this the hard way. You'll see discussion of "subdrop" (where emotions go all wackadoo after a scene) but less mention is "topdrop" which is very similar. A lot of S/M type tops struggle with accepting their pleasure at causing pain.
• If you're interested in tying folks up generally, rigging or shibari, then be aware that badly done rope can be pretty dangerous -- do your homework. If you can get yourself to a Munch -- ideally one rope related (across the US are Rope Bites -- I've had positive experiences with them.) Ideally, there will be people holding classes -- those are by far the best way to learn.
• Almost all BDSM should involve a good amount of research

Ok, so item recs... (these all might be combined together or used invidivually)

 

For restraint...

• Start with furry cuffs -- they're safe and easy to get for cheap, but they may not survive someone pulling with all their strength, so keep that in mind. Avoid handcuff type cuffs outside of purely roleplay (or at least, more experience, and a solid knowledge of the risks involved) -- they're not safe to strain against and half the fun of restraint is being able to pull against it.
• Blindfolds are cliche, but easy to get ("sleep masks") and really do make everything more intense.
• Gags, if you are curious, are fun, if you wanna start safe start with something like a ring gag -- they also have other, obvious, utility. =p Either way, make sure you look into how to maintain active communication when someone can't speak.
• If you are gonna play with rope, make sure to have something that can cut it. Medical scissors are the cheapest and easiest option. All metal seatbelt cutters also fit the bill and are a bit more stylish. (If someone's limb goings tingly or starts to turn blue and adjusting the rope does nothing, the rigger should be cutting the rope, not untying, as time matters a lot when it comes to nerve damage.)
• As for restraining by tying, almost anything can do if you're creative enough. Clothing is a popular option, scarves, thick rope from the hardware store, etc. If you are gonna tie things around someone, make sure you learn about "non-collapsing knots" or else it can be very dangerous. If you want to go deeper into rope specifically you'll want to find a good source of quality hemp rope -- this will not be from a hardware store, this will be from a specialty company. (A lot of them are just small businesses run both BDSM practitioners.)
• There are "bed cuffs" or something like that (I forget the exact name) that essentially go under your mattress and give you loops on the outside of your bed that you can tie to. They're a useful way of creating a "hard point" without modifying your home, especially when you're not necessarily committed to the kink.

For impact play, there are three main types of tools, the top's hands, rigid items and floppy items.

• So first, hand cream for aftercare (and rubbing on the impacted skin).
• Hair brushes and wooden spoons are a good place to start with rigid impact play -- personally, I'm not fond of hair brushes but they seem popular. Wooden spoons are more my speed.
• If you want to spend some money up front, a professionally made switch is a nice investment and sits between the rigid and floppy spectrum, good at giving stingy sensations. Floggers are also awesome, but tend to cost a lot more (a good flogger is all leather and hand made), they're the top of list for thuddy sensations (imo).
• I'd avoid whips without getting training first (if not via a local Munch, then get yourself to a convention, they almost always have classes).

For other sensation play...

• Clothespins and nipple clamps are my go to here. I'd start with good wooden clothespins and if you want to make it more intense, pickup some clamps. Personally I find the cheap adjustable clamps, while they sound like a good idea, just fall off if they aren't at maximum clamp, at which point why even bother with them? (Butterfly clamps are about providing MORE pressure, often in predicament bondage situations, so they're not really beginner friendly.)
• Heat play stuff -- ice cubes are obvious, the other side, massage oil is a good place to start -- there are warming oils, or even a massage oil candle. (True waxplay is another that requires a lot of research to do safely. I don't personally have any experience, however.)
• Feather dusters can be fun (just get one that you don't use for cleaning). Similarly, a silk handkerchief or other very soft item for trailing over the body. There's lots of room for creativity here. (One of my fav con purchases ever is a pair of gloves lined out the outside with the -softest- (fake) fur, and metal claws at the end of each finger tip. You can go from soothing to scratching in a heart beat.)
• Sex toys... well, they're gonna be a lot more dependent on some combination of personal preferences and anatomy. If I was gonna buy my collection again, it'd be a magic wand (first, above all, lol), a medium and a larger plug, a dildo of one's preferred size, an insertable vibe of some sort. Tail plugs can be fun in the right circumstances too -- and speaking of, a thong with a hole cut in just the right location can be a fantastic tool for keeping that sort of plug in place). The relatively recent introduction of cheap all-in-one thrusting toys... well, they're a kinda fun but have mechanical limitations (imo) that make them a sad substitute for the more expensive frames that you can attach any toy to. Bluetooth panty vibes are fun, but I'd only use them in private places or at events, as they really aren't quiet, no matter the ads. Bluetooth nipple vibes are meh. Bluetooth insertables really win on convenience over their hypothetical "public play" value. (which yeah, I'd only do at events if it were me)

 

On 12/27/2024 at 5:55 PM, Maximus King said:

Also, always lube. Lube is awesome. I personally recommend Uber-Lube. NOT good for silica toys but really good for pussy and butt play. It's more expensive than some but it works wonderfully. For silica toys, I use Lovense brand Water based lubricant.

 

Honestly I've switched entirely over to homemade lube -- you can find recipes online, but the simplest works quite well in my experience -- corn starch, water and 5 min on the stove and you'll get an extremely slick lube for pennies. If there's any chance anyone's gonna ingest the lube, I'm much more comfortable with something I know is food safe. (More fancy mixes exist, specifically around with scents and flavoring -- but take caution: any additive requires consideration of interactions with the body plus silicon and/or latex. For example, sugar and glycerin should be avoided if yeast infections are a concern.)

 

(Silicone lubes are *amazing* but too many of my toys are silicone, alas. If silicone interactions aren't a concern, then something like Ulber-Lube above is ideal.)

Edited February 22, 2025 by Lyyli

[Count Chocula]

My joke about lube is "The best lube is to go in dry so it chafes and starts to bleed." Now, I'm sure that's not a joke for everyone, because they are no doubt people who enjoy that.