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------- Key: Regulus Clarius (Imperial) Calindwe (Altmer) ------- 24 Rain's Hand, 4E 202. Well, I don't know about you, but I'd say we're sufficiently inebriated at this point. Probably. Heh. Hangover from last night was bad enough as it was, so I know I'm not going to be a happy man tomorrow morning. But what the hell. Suppose now's a good a time as any for my turn at the... what was it you said? "Drunken soul-baring"? Yep. Gharz has a way with words sometimes. Two of you would get along rather interestingly when you eventually meet, I think. Certainly looking forward to it. In the meantime, while I'm still... heh, sober enough to talk straight... what do you want to know? Oh... several things, but all in due time. Heh. Guess... start out with your childhood? Where were you born? Ahh... well, I actually don't know where I was born. But I grew on the Isle of Betony. Little island southwest of Daggerfall, in High Rock. Mm, I've heard of it. War of Betony and all that... I think I have a copy lying around somewhere, actually. Heh. Which one, though? I... might have both versions, actually. I've got quite a few books stashed away I haven't gotten to reading yet. Always good to have reading material for those long journeys... Sorry, as you were. All good... Ah, raised on the island - in the Benevolence of Mara on the island, mainly... I was brought there when I was... ... four, or five... five, I think. I only barely remember my childhood before then, being too young. Barely even remember my parents. Can't remember their faces, their voices... can't remember much of anything, really. Just bits and pieces here and there of my childhood back then. I sort of remember the boat ride from the mainland to the Isle. I remember feeling confused, rushed... I vaguely knew they were taking me somewhere for safety, and we were in a hurry, but... What was going on? Don't know. Even to this day, I have no idea what was going on. Not for lack of trying to find out, either... but I'll get to that later. Anyways... I don't remember much between the boat and arriving at the Benevolence. It was nighttime, I was tired, not really paying too much attention to what was going on. My father was carrying me, I think. I... I do remember that they were running, fast. Soon as we docked, they pretty much sprinted to the Benevolence. I remember the sound of everything whooshing by. Father woke me up when we arrived at the Benevolence. There was a priest waiting outside, Gaius Marcellus. Old family friend, as I'd later learn, 'is why my parents trusted him with me. He took me in, was... ... for all intents and purposes my father figure from then on. My parents said their goodbyes, and I... ... ... I can still remember the confusion I felt, one of my few vivid memories from back then. I remember them saying I'd be "safe with Gaius", and leaving, and... just... ... I remember looking up at Gaius. I've never forgotten the look on his face, and looking back now I can now recognize what that look was. Recognize him trying to... think of what to say. How do you tell a five-year-old that his parents aren't coming back to take him home? What can you say? All he could say was, "It'll be alright", and he took me inside. And he was my new family from thereon, his house and the Benevolence my new homes. He was basically sworn to secrecy. My parents made him promise not to tell me what was going on, who they were, nothing that I could use to find them. He never told you anything? I managed to pry out some details about them here and there, but I have no idea what they were mixed up in... just that it was bad enough they had to basically abandon me on that little island to keep me safe. Whatever was going on, it was serious. But I eventually got used to my new home. Gaius helped keep me calm, helped me along. The other priests and priestesses sort of had their parts too, but for the most part it was Gaius raising me. We'd be out and about, working around the island, or occasionally getting a ferry to Daggerfall for whatever business he sometimes needed to attend to... just the two of us. He was a good man. Genuine, you know? Just wanted to help people, reason he was a priest there. He was an old Legion battlemage himself. Mainly did guard duty, clearing out bandit dens, that sort of thing, but he still saw a lot. Saw enough. Finally wanted to switch to dealing in matters of love and not steel. But I'm sure you can imagine already that he was my role model, an inspiration for joining the Legion when I was older. He... always steered me right, made it clear from the get-go that... while there's certainly glory to be found in battle, one should never romanticize it. It's not all it's cracked up to be. But he also taught me to do right by people, and... well, dealing with bandits and monsters and other ill folk, I'd say that's most certainly a good thing for people. ... I guess that's something you and I have in common. We both grew up seeing ourselves making a difference with a blade. Mm. And, uh... while he didn't... entirely approve of my goals, he still respected them. And I suppose there was a bit of, you know, "Well, this boy's going to do it anyway whether I like it or not, might as well help keep him alive". He taught me how to fight, how to use magic. It was a while before I could properly learn actual combat, since I was still a little too young to be swinging maces and longswords around. But spellcasting came fairly easily; he did let slip that my father's a Breton. Mother's Imperial, and her side came through more in some ways for me, but I still have father's blood in my veins, still have that little extra touch of innate talent for magic. I got a pretty decent grasp of it at a young age. He taught me a lot, as I grew up. He... he knew his stuff, heh. I got the sense he was the kind they gave the hard jobs to, because they knew he could get them done. I'd wager he was a force to be reckoned with when he was in his prime. But by this time he was old, and his body was slowly failing him. However, his mind was yet sharp... at least for a while. Age took its toll? Mm. At first it was just simple... forgetfulness, absent-mindedness, nothing really alarming. But then he started losing hours, eventually entire days. He'd have times where he was just... ... not all there, you know? You could see he was trying to think, trying to figure out what was going on, trying to... make sense of where he was, what he was doing, and just... failing. That's what really hurt to see. I'd see him trying to... trying to remember something. Something that he knew he should normally know by heart, yet you could see it written right on his face that the memories were just... not there. Could see how it scared him. I don't know if he ever saw how much it scared me too. ... I can still remember something he said to me one time... I was nearly an adult, and by then he... he was having more bad days than good at that point. I remember we were talking about his... deterioration, and he said that the worst part, in a way, was actually those good days when he had moments of clarity. Because then he couldn't help but see what he'd become. How much he'd lost. His body and mind utterly failing, but still having just enough clarity to realize it's failing and know there's little that could be done. There were Restoration magicks that could've helped him somewhat, sure, but we didn't exactly have the coin for those kinds of services. Our own healer... Divines bless her heart, but she was hardly Vanus Galerion, we were just a temple on a small fishing island. If I had the magickal ability then that I do now, I... egh, I've been down that line of thought too many times. But he still held on as long as he could, taught me as much as he could. Broken as he was, he didn't give up. Even when he was finally bedridden. Even when it was at the point where he couldn't really show me anything more, he was the kind of person one could happily talk with for ages about nothing in particular anyway, you know? And we loved our talks. I know they helped make things bearable for him. It wasn't even... ... we were still father and son, but no longer mentor and pupil. That whole... dynamic was done. Now it was just us speaking man to man. It was actually the first time he'd finally really opened up about himself, he'd always kind of kept to himself before. Guess he figured "now or never", you know? I mean... he always answered questions when I asked, that was no problem, but... he didn't volunteer much otherwise. But that was fine, I respected his privacy. How were you taking it? Knowing he... ... Was wasting away, day by day? Well as could be expected, I think. Terrified the hell out of me, knowing he wasn't long away from Aetherius. He was always there in my life, me always being there by his side. Even when I'd gotten old enough to go about the island by myself, even tripped to Daggerfall a couple of times by myself, I always knew he'd still be there at home. I was having to contemplate the very real eventuality that I'd be completely alone for the first time in my life. But he raised me a pragmatist. I knew. He knew. We all knew what was coming. So we didn't talk about it much. Nothing about it to really talk about. The right thing to do was just what we'd always done, small talk. Talk about our day, talk about whatever. Don't let the situation get in our way. Whenever he was lucid, I'd be in there spending as much time with him as I could. Those periods were getting more and more infrequent, but I always made time when he could get through the fog. The others would come by too, we'd all talk... just... Enjoying your time together. Mm. What time we had left. ... Eventually... he was... he was barely there anymore. It was... always still heartbreaking to see him like that. The healer was doing everything she could to sustain him, but his body had almost completely failed at that point. One of his now-rare moments of lucidity, he called me in... told me to tell the healer not to do anything that night. Tell her to let the healing spells wear off. He'd had enough, didn't want to keep tying us up while he withered away anyway. And... honestly, I held no disagreement with his decision. He'd damn well earned a rest after everything. That's when he... sort of reached a compromise with his promise to my parents. He still didn't tell me anything about what happened all those years ago... but he finally told me their names, what they looked liked. He knew I was going to go look for them, no matter what. Guess he thought I at least deserved something to work with, especially now after all this time. We talked for a little while afterwards, then he... felt himself slipping away again, so he quickly... he gave his final words to me. His final request. "Don't stay longer than you have to. You don't need to remember me as a gravestone. Remember me as I am now, remember me as I was. Alive, and clear of mind. Always keep this memory. Go out and make a life for yourself. Go out and find them." Then he was asleep again. I told the healer his request, then went out and packed my things. Said my goodbyes to everyone, and went back to his house after dusk to... to wait. To be there. He was deep asleep when I got there, so... I just sat down and held his hand. Thought everything over, listening to his breathing. Must've been there for hours. But I noticed when his breathing stopped. ... ... I went out, got a ferry to Daggerfall. I haven't been back to the Isle since. ... I stayed in Daggerfall for a time, while I found my feet... and grieved. I held it together on the ferry ride, mainly because the reality of the situation hadn't quite hit, yet. But once I got a room at an inn and was... alone with my thoughts... ... ... I sat down, and did not stand back up for quite some time. I loved him, you know? Doesn't matter he wasn't my biological father, he was my father nonetheless. And now... he was gone, and I was on my own. But, uh... ... I eventually pulled myself back together, for the most part. It's not like it was unexpected, we knew it was coming long ago. Just... hurt that it finally happened. But I got back up. Took odd jobs to get some coin behind me. Started asking around about my parents. Anyone I even remotely thought could possibly know. Guards, barkeeps, beggars, anyone. Kind of dawned on me just how... ... - I mean, I knew it was going to be difficult. This was around... 17 years prior we're talking about, when they were last in the area. But growing up on a little island, you kind of don't realize just how big Tamriel is. How many people there are. It was dawning on me just how much of a... a needle in the haystack this endeavor was actually going to be. I was looking for a Breton and Imperial in High Rock of all places. And I didn't even know if they were still there, they could've been clear across in Elsweyr for all I knew. Realized I might have to resign myself to the possibility I might never find them. I never stopped looking of course - Still haven't. But I had to put myself first. Had to do right by myself, and by Gaius, and just... live my life. So, I stayed in Daggerfall for... a bit under a year. Got some decent coin behind me, then I started my travels. Went all up and across High Rock, slowly making my way to Jehanna. I always liked the cold. That why you're over here now? Pretty much. Heh. Ah... Jehanna. I took work here and there, always asked around about my parents, pretty much settled into a routine. Would stay in places for ages on end, making sure I exhausted all possible avenues of information. I didn't finally get to Jehanna for another two years; I wasn't in a rush, that was just where I was headed is all. Was an interesting journey in the meantime. Did you get to see Ada-mantia? From a distance, yeah. Was by the coast on a mostly clear day, could see it in all its glory. I thought about getting a ferry to Balfiera proper, get a good close look at the Tower. I've always had an interest in metaphysics, so the prospect of seeing the famed Ur-Tower itself up close was... heh, it was tempting. But I decided against it. I could see a storm approaching in the distance, kind of didn't want to be stuck in that, you know? There's always next time. Yeah. Though I've been saying that for three decades, heh. Anyways... finally got around to heading into Jehanna. You ever... ... you ever walk into a place you've never been, didn't really know what to expect, but just immediately it... it felt right? Like it was... it's not necessarily your home forever, but it's where you needed to be at that point in time? Mm, I have. That was Jehanna for me. Had its issues and idiosyncrasies, but it was where I needed to be. Found good work, settled into my usual routine of asking around. Met a girl there. Gwenevere Lenault. That Gwenevere? That Gwenevere. She was a barmaid at the inn I was staying at. Asked her about my parents, the usual. Also as usual, didn't know anything about them. But we, uh... ... I can't remember if it was something she said, or something I said... whatever was said, we got to talking. She was on break, so she had time to talk, we were just making small talk, that sort of thing. I kind of got the sense she was glad to be talking to someone actually interested in talking, and not just some drunkard wanting to get in her pants. I mean, she's a beautiful woman, but that wasn't the sole reason I was talking to her, you know? She's the kind of person you want to talk to. Just really... really lovely to be around. We became friends pretty quickly. Lovers not too long after. I'd had my share of... unkindness, on the road. And I was kind of... I don't know, depressed from everything. Depressed still about Gaius. Depressed about not finding anything about my parents in almost three years of searching, even though I knew I shouldnt've been focusing on it so much... it was just kind of piled on everything else, 'is why I was buckling under from it. I guess I've kind of always had issues with depression and the like, even before the War. But she showed me there was indeed happiness to be found in life. What we had was good. We just... we went together, you know? All relationships take work, but ours was relatively easy. Uncomplicated. We found where we both wanted to be, and we were happy to stay there. Lo and behold, couple months later, a man overheard me asking some guard about my parents. He told me he was an old acquaintance of theirs. He didn't tell me much; I could tell he was more a private person, so I didn't push the matter. Which was fine, I respected that, he was kind enough to volunteer the information that he did. He described them, confirmed he knew who they were... and I didn't get the sense he was lying anyway. Even then, I'd already developed my... knack, as you put it. What did he say? Said they went down to the Imperial City some five years prior. It was a tiny morsel of possibly outdated information, but it was the first piece of information I'd gotten in my three years of searching. So, of course... I made my plans to head down there. Gwenevere understood. By the Divines, I've said a million times how I didn't deserve her. She was always so understanding about everything. It stung to have to leave, but she knew I had to do this. And after all, as she said to me, she'd still be there waiting when I got back... It was good to finally have something to... to go back to, you know? Someone waiting at home. So, southeast I went. Cut through Hammerfell, came through the Colovian Highlands, took a rest at Chorrol while I got my bearings. Seeing White-Gold off in the distance was just as awe-inspiring as Ada-mantia before it. And considering it's essentially a copy of Ada-mantia, it was sort of two birds with one stone seeing it up close once I finally got to the city. And it was glorious. The whole journey over, seeing it off in the distance, getting closer and closer... nothing compared to when I finally got there. Looking up at it... Looking further up. And up, and up. Indeed. It was worth the trip just for that. And I'd always wanted to head down there anyway. Gaius was Imperial through and through, so I was sort of raised on Imperial history and traditions to an extent, but I was kind of raised more on Breton history in general just due to being there in High Rock. I'd grown up in Breton tradition, now here I was able to learn more about the Imperial side of things. They're both my heritage, after all. Finally got a chance to really dig deep into some history while I was staying there. It's pretty much the only stuff I learned down there, though. They were nowhere to be found. No trace of them, no nothing. I'm sure they were there at one point... or were heading there at least. But they were gone now. I was right back where I started. Story of my life... What'd you do then? Stayed for a few days to see the sights, then got packing. Much as I wanted to stay, I wanted more to be back with Gwenevere. Sent a messenger ahead so she wouldn't worry. ... Barely a day before I'm set to head out, the news reaches the city. Invasion. Us. Them, mm. The Dominion was invading, and... well, I never lost my desire to join the Legion, and right there on the spot I made a split-second decision. News of what was going on there in Alinor was, of course, sporadic. They were pretty cut off. But rumors still trickled through. If even half of them were true, it was indication enough that they would be a very dangerous foe to contend with. You Altmer are innately powerful mages as it is, let alone powerful mages with genocide on the agenda. I was young, but no fool, even if a bit more idealistic than I am now. I knew they had to be stopped. So, I signed up. Showed them what I could do. Was assigned as a Battlemage. I wasn't put in the actual Shadow Legion, but I was in the same role otherwise. Finally fulfilled that lifelong ambition, at least. ... ... And to be honest, I think we've both had more than our share of that war. We both know. I don't think I need speak of this in further detail. True enough. Another time, maybe. In short, made it out with Emperor Mede's forces, was assigned to General Jonna's forces afterwards... ... Yeah. Can talk about that another time. Moving on... once everything was over, I got out. I wasn't in any condition to continue serving. Not mentally. Though as I'd find out, fighting in a war isn't the only thing tests your mind. The final test is afterwards, when you finally let your guard down and... ... Everything you were holding in spills out. Mm. Something Gaius once said, "You get so used to steeling yourself against the storm, you forget what calm winds are like". You forget what it's like to just live a normal life... ...Divines, four years. Four years of that fucking war. I'd actually forgotten how long it was. Mm... ... Anyways... ... I got out. Made my way back up to Jehanna. Back up to her. I'd only been able to get the occasional message out to her, and... it'd been some time since the last. So I hauled up there, taking every carriage I could, every shortcut on foot I could. I hadn't moved like that since the last forced march in the war. But I wasn't going to waste one moment, I wanted to get there. Finally got there... and, ohhh... the look on her face. Heh. Probably the same look on my face. Seeing her face again was worth enduring those four years for. Especially since we were keeping the Dominion from pushing any further as well. High Rock's right there north of Hammerfell, after all. Knowing she was kept safe and sound got me through the war. Everything seemed like it'd finally be alright. But. But. My issues got worse. Not at first, I was actually recovering for a bit there. We were trying for a child, we were engaged. Even once I started getting bad again, we thought a family would focus me, distract me from the bad thoughts. So I could recover that way. But it... didn't work like that. I got worse. I got really bad. Anger, terror, hallucinations, depression. Everything. I could barely sleep, because I knew it would be a nightmare, and Vaermina had plenty of material to work with. And Gwenevere could barely sleep because of me waking up screaming in... gods, unbridled terror she'd called it. My dreams terrified me more than anything I ever actually saw in the War. It took the longest time, but she finally couldn't take it. Took her far longer than it should've, by all rights she should've left for her sake a lot earlier. Bless her for trying. But she left, now some... ... almost 25 years ago, now. I never held it against her in any way, I fully understood. But still, I... I got pretty bad after she left. But I eventually started to recover... Eh, not something I particularly care to go into right now... perhaps another time. Sure... what'd you do from there? Wandered. That's pretty much the only word for it. Jehanna didn't feel like home anymore without her there, so... I wandered about, trying to find where I was supposed to be now. I'd seen enough of High Rock in my travels after I left Betony, so I decided to go elsewhere for a time. Hammerfell, western Skyrim, bits of Cyrodiil I haven't been to yet, even parts of Morrowind. Never really fit in anywhere I went. Few years ago, I finally made my way back up to Skyrim here. Moved around a bit, eventually settled in Riften for a little bit. Mainly because of the temple of Mara there, was a little taste of home, you know? I mean, the town was a hole, but I was still able to make do. I'd been in worse places. And... not too long after I got there, I met Maja and Aleri. Last year, was about the time the whole Dragon mess sprung up. They -- ... Was that the door? It's meee. Well, Maja's back. Uh... well, I hate to cut this short, but I've been wanting to surprise her when she gets back. Little things we do. Heh, I hear you. We can pick this up another time? Sure. Ah... I'd better run before she comes in here. See you in the morning, Calindwe. Goodnight. And thanks for sharing, mm?