Well, shit, people. I guess I'm writing my memoirs. My editor says it's time, my agent says it will help spike interest in my previous writing, and the drugs are telling me to do whatever crazy shit pops into my head right now, so why not give this a chance?

This crazy journey all started when I came out of J School and got a regular assignment at the San Myshuno Record. They shipped me off to this dumb burg in the sticks called Strangerville and asked me to write on anything interesting I could find from the vast swaths of military and scientific "experts" who had been stationed out there. They were sure it would lead to some fascinating human interest piece. Secret cure for llama flu or something ridiculous like that. But fresh out of school, and no longer having a dorm to crash in, that meant I needed a way to come up with some rent, so it seemed like a good deal. So I wrote for them. These early pieces were not things I would be proud of. Fluff pieces. Honestly, I probably made a lot of it up. It was boring work. This was spring of 2000. The economy was flying high. There was an optimistic mood in the air. I was grabbing a part of that, and hoping to accidentally make a career out of it.

But while I was there, I started meeting some very interesting people, and as most of you reading should already know, I discovered a vast conspiracy that launched my career and won me the Simlitzer. Not that I care at all for awards. Awards are merely the jewelry demanded by lesser minds to compensate for their inability to find true meaning in their work. I find meaning in the work.

I can't go into too much detail about the investigation. I mean, I can, but I won't. My agent wants you all to go back and buy my first book, Mother May I, so I will gloss over a lot of the details, and tell you if you want more, Simazon is having a sale right now on all my previous work, and you can buy it for §4.99. But the broad strokes are this. While I was there, I discovered a lab that was apparently abandoned (and very poorly guarded, I must say, considering about half the town worked for the military), and I found evidence there of some sort of experiment done on the unsuspecting citizens of Strangerville, involving some sort of mind-control plant which some other more conspiracy-minded folks believe to be extraterrestrial. I'm not saying I believe that. I'm just adding it for completeness.

This was a pretty boring point in my life. I knew nobody. I spent the day writing the most mundane articles to pay the bills, then I spent the afternoon trying to learn more about this strange lab, then I spent the evenings getting high and ordering call girls to come over and suck me off.

But eventually, the work paid off. I came across some information about the lab that put me in contact with some shady individuals whom I will not name, and that's not so you can go buy my other book, because I didn't name them there, either. They are sources, and whatever else I am, I am still a journalist, and I protect my sources. I will take their names to my grave. But they sent me something, a kind of access card that I'm assuming they procured illegally. It came in the regular mail, believe it or not.

And I took it to the lab, and found that it gave me access to the underground levels, where I discovered that these experiments were much more extensive - and much more illegal - than I could possibly have imagined. This was the point my editor got interested. All of a sudden, I was working on a real expose, not just some stupid human interest piece.

Speaking of human interests, about this time, I also finally started to meet the locals. I promised myself this memoir wouldn't hold back, so I have to mention Daria. She was in the military, and before you ask, no, she never gave me any classified information. She was a professional. But she was also a good fuck, and since this memoir is going to involve a lot of good fucks, I figured I shouldn't leave out the first one. She was exceptional.

So you should all know how this ends, if you paid attention back then. I kept studying the lab, then did something that in hindsight was really stupid. I found that the scientists who had been at the lab previously had worked on some sort of vaccine that was supposed to protect the town from whatever strange mind-control plant they themselves had exposed it to. I picked up their research where they left off, and yes, I got a few assists, again from some sources I will not name, but I absolutely shouldn't have done what I did, which was start throwing experimental vaccine in the faces of townies who were acting weird.

Then, I got a group of people together, went down in the lab, and came face-to-face with, well, some of this is still classified, and the rest of it you'll have to read my book to get the details about, but the rumors are we had to do battle with a strange sentient plant and zombified Sims under her control.

And I ended up writing a great article about it, which started making me famous, got me a lot of money, and I celebrated by ordering two call girls at the same time.

Hedonism will play a major role in my memoirs moving forward, just to let you know.