Asking for some sentimental advice on a rather dificult decision...

[xiba]

Hello guys and girls!
Im sorry to be posting this topic, but with the lack of people to talk about this, and the few people giving me answers i dont like, i felt forced to talk to complete strangers on the interwebs.

I've been in a commited relationship for about 6 years. About 9 months ago, my old Girlfriend dumped me on the occasion of her leaving the country to look for a better job abroad, leaving me a bit of a broken man.
Its been a rough couple of months but then i started recovering... Eventually i got over her and moved on.

This was when the real problems started for me...
Before I start, i know that "You dont shit where you eat". I know, been there, done that, so you can skip that=P

You guys see, there's a girl at work i've had a secret crush for... I've been crushed about her for at least 2 years, but with a girl, I never really did anything about it besides ignoring it. With my Girlfriend out of the picture I started making moves, trying my best to approach her, which was rather hard. She's shy, and reserved, and doesnt allow most people to get close. But after weeks of steady tries i managed to be let inside her circle of trust.
Over the coming weeks we started texting and talking about everyday, and we grew close. If at first I felt a crush, by about 1 and half month ago, I was positively in Love with her. I had never before tried anything, always thinking about how you "dont shit where you eat", I was being cautious... At the time seemed reasonable, because if things didnt look certain, or looked grim I would be able to bail out and avoid awkward moments at work. And she did looked like she was interested.
I was about to make my move on her, when I discovered she got on a relationship with another guy, that same week.

As you guys might imagine, I was devastated. Although she never told me about the Dude, I discovered through facebook and common acquaintances.

Then i made another blunder. To keep a little bit of sanity, I did what most people in this situation, would do. I took my leave, and stopped texting her myself, and reducing answering to a minimum. At work, I made my best to make it look like I was ok, and nothing had happened. As you might expect, I was so devastated, my colleges, and closer friends noticed right away. Around her, I acted all strong, and made it look like Nothing had happened.

Eventually I did recover, thanks to the help of friends.
Not 2 weeks after I discovered about her relationship with the guy, I began hearing rumours that she wasnt looking happy, that she might be unhappy in that relationship. About a few days after I heard that the guy might be beating her, and abusing her. That same Week, his colleges started acting up around me, looking always in bad mood, giving mean answers, and really bad spouts of awful attitude.
I kept my distance from that whole thing, but kept my eyes Open.

About a Month ago, I opened up with a common friend, which I completely trust. She told me rather bad things about what was going on the other side of the trenches, and helped me a lot getting up from the ditch I was in at the time. She also told me that the girl that caused this, got ahead of herself and dove into a relationship she didnt like...

About 3 weeks ago, the behaviour of the girl changed completely at work. If she had been distant untill then, it seemed to have changed overnight. She would light up when she saw me, she would come to my workstation for no reason at all, and keep making up poor excuses, she started touching me on safe places which she had never done before. That same day i was scheduled to do a 2 shift day, but was given an off day for the second shift of the day, inoccently i said "Cool, im off to go get drunk and party", her face went sad and her eyes almost broke my heart. At the end of the Shift he asked me to go outside with her to smoke... It felt like a Walk of Shame, but i felt like a million dollars...
I kept my cool, and thought... This is new...

I restarted answering her texts.

Over the days, we got close and closer. She started ending with an emote that had a kiss and a heart, which hadnt happened before... Well it did, but never as much, as now... It litterally looks like she looks for every excuse to use those emotes...
At work she blushes whenever she sees me, besides lighting up.

Still im keeping my cool, because I know that the guy is still in the picture, and she never really did tell me about him.

Last week we had an activity at work. She insisted that we go together, and that we went to lunch with a college that lives close by and us. When said college heard about, she didnt want to come with us, that she didnt want to be a cockblock (I thanked her for it=) )
When the day came we did go to the activity, but when it came to go out to lunch, She chickened out. But not before we had to say goodbye about 3 times... I was trying to test her resolve, and she always brought up something to keep me from leaving... she even began to mention that she wanted to go somewhere, but she didnt pursue it. I noticed it, but didnt force it, fearing her boyfriend myself, and fearing what he would to her if he found out... I know I was a bit of a coward I know...

I know what I want to do, what i've wanted to do for weeks, but my honesty has stopped me from doing it. Also i dont want to be THAT guy, and make her cheat on her "boyfriend". Even more considering that I wish to avoid as much physical confrontation as possible.

What do you guys say? Im a bit confused, a part of me tells me go for it, its ripe for the taking, another tells me that maybe my heart is playing tricks on my brain, another part tells "Don't do it!" "Hoes with owners are bros, not hoes!"...
Im really confused.

I think its fair to say that while this Elephant is in the room and we both dont adress it, I dont want to make any moves, or at least im not confortable about doing it. I get the feeling she noticed there's at least 1 Elephant in the Room, but hasnt made anything to adress it yet. I also think she knows about the second elephant in the room, that i like her, but i dont really care about that anymore tbh.

Im really confused, and not totally sure if this is only in my head, and im misreading signs, or if they are really there. I dont really know if I should put some of the cards on the table, telling her, i know about the other dude and what he does to her... I feel like i should throw caution to the wind, and put the cards on the table, but i've been advised not to... Its complicated, even more with the "You dont shit where you eat" maxim...

Any advice will be welcome.

Sorry for the long post.

[Guest endgameaddiction]

It's colleagues

 

I personally don't like getting mixed up in situations like that. It's better to just turn around and forget about looking for something serious. Especially if she's with that guy and coming at you. If she does it to him, she'll do it to you. If he beats her, why is she still with him? I'd just walk away. Too much drama. You will probably get yourself into trouble anyways. Dealing with that drama at work. Not worth losing your job over someone.

 

It may not be something you want to read, but that's my advice.

[aRuthSA]

I happen to agree with endgameaddiction. Even if she is amazing, there is too much drama and possiblitity to harm yourself. If you really want, tell her that she deserves better, but don't offer yourself. She's not in a good place. And you can't fix that for her.

[Shion]

If there's one thing that I know is that abuse must be reported whether you like it or not. I know there's a lot of drama and you shoudn't interfere in a relashionship but beating and abusing someone is not right. See if there's any bruises on her body and if there is call the police.

[( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)]

You have a few options.

 

The most prudent one is, of course, walk away while you still can. If she didn't trust you enough to tell you about such a development in her life, that bodes ill for any potential relationship you might have with her. She's obviously not wanting to confront her problems and is looking for an escape anywhere because she's afraid to simply walk away with nothing else lined up (at least, that's what your description of her behaviour says to me)

Another option if you insist on pursuing this thing, is to be honest. Let her know what's up. Let her know what you know, and why you've been the way you have. Let her know you'd like to be more, but that you don't want to be a third wheel, and she needs to ditch this guy if she wants out before latching onto anyone else. But for the love of Batman, make it 100% clear you are not a rebound.

 

Lastly, you could continue doing what you're doing, not going either way, and seeing what develops before making a choice.

In summary, I won't say outright that you shouldn't date a coworker, as I've known a few people that did it and are still happily together over a decade later. But I will say be goddamn careful how you go about it, because while success has happened, it is not common, and the tired phrase "don't shit where you eat" exists for a very real reason. Whatever the outcome, I wish you luck.

[Guest endgameaddiction]

If you seriously like this girl, best option it to remain friends for a while and let things develop over time. Jumping in a relationship right after a break up is going to hurt you instead of her. It's psychological. And for her to just jump in a relationship with a guy like that tells me that she doesn't keep her options open very long to make a wise choice on a who she picks. You on the other hand have gotten the opportunity to witness this for yourself and here you are questioning your thoughts and your emotions. You have to be certain about what you do because following with just your heart is going to get you heart broken. These experiences happen at a youth age up to your early adult hood. You get to a point where it's "been there done that" and it's time to take a step back and analyze the situation before just coming to a quick conclusion. So, if you really care for her, be there for her as a friend. Let that friendship develop over time into a beautiful relationship if it does. Any serious relationship takes a long process of getting to really know who you are interested in. You can't just throw your heart at every guy/girl out there just because you have strong feelings for them. Sometimes appearances may lie to you and this is the big mistake that most newly couples tend to break apart because there is no real development between really knowing one another, so by the time they really know each other, they already hate each other.

[dashipper]

My thoughts:

 

You started off by saying she is shy and reserved.  With that in mind, I think she's waiting for you to take the next step.  It sounds like she's already taken a huge step on her own, letting you inside, becoming very buddy buddy and clearly flirty with you.  The next move, should you choose to make it, is yours.  Personally, I would address the elephants in the room.  Go out, have a drink, talk about substantive things - ask her about her and her relationship and tell her where you're coming from - get the elephant out of the room before it tramples you both.  But frankmarlowe is right, if you go this route make sure that she knows you're not a rebound and things end with him before they start with you.

 

"Don't shit where you eat."  Generally good advice, but not a cardinal rule.  I've done it before and it didn't end spectacularly (admittedly my own fault), but neither did it blow up.  After a bit of awkwardness, friendship ensued and everything was/is fine.

 

"Especially if she's with that guy and coming at you. If she does it to him, she'll do it to you."  I hear that all the time but this isn't a case where I find it appropriate.  If she was with him and having sex with you, then yeah, absolutely don't date that.  But it sounds more like she realized she made a mistake with this guy.  She could be miserable in her relationship and is in need of an out.  Maybe she doesn't have the balls to break up with him in order to make the move on you, or maybe she's someone who can't stand being single, or maybe she really is being abused and is afraid.  At the very least, be a friend.

 

Lastly: Carpe diem - seize the day!  Way back in high school I was absolutely smitten with a friend of mine - I mean head over heels in love.  She was quiet, shy, beautiful, kind and gentle, a great musician and absolutely fucking brilliant.  She intimidated the hell out of me, but she was also one of the few people I actually had good chats with and enjoyed being around all the time - to this day I have never felt more in-tune with another person.  But I never asked her out and a decade later she still holds a special place in my heart.  Anyway, we lost touch for a few years, but eventually started meeting up again once a week for dinner or drinks... and thats when I learned she had been in love with me, too.  I was devastated.  Destroyed.  My guts ripped out and tossed in a blender.  Unfortunately, when we found out how we had both felt, our lives just couldn't come together enough for a relationship.

 

The lesson I learned?  Take a chance.  Sure things could go badly and you could get your heart smashed to bits, but life isn't a fairy tale.  And it's not a ride or a game that you can just do over again - you get one shot and frankly, trying and failing is better than not trying and always wondering what could have been.  Besides, pain and anguish only make the happy moments that much sweeter.

[Angrybird]

I didn't know people kept doing this crap after highschool.

I honestly cannot give you advice, I don't understand you or people like you, what game are you playing? For me there's only two factors when it comes to relatioships, does she put out or not? No? Move on. A third factor will come into play when I'm older: "Do I want this woman to be the mother of my children?" Yes/No? I don't get why so much bullshit real life is not Dysney.

Also don't shit where you eat.

[Chaos63]

Do write a tl;dr at the end of the story next time, that's an enormous block of text...