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------- Key: Regulus Clarius (Imperial) Calindwe (Altmer) ------- 23 Rain's Hand, 4E 202. Heh, that's one bottle down. That was quick. Mm, stuff's actually not bad for cheap wine. Maja has good taste... She doesn't mind us going through her stores, does she? Normally her and I call it quits after one bottle. She keeps a ton of cheap wine around for this very situation. She saves the expensive bottles for special occasions, those she keeps hidden away somewhere. Anyways, we can head into Whiterun tomorrow to refill her stock if need be, I have the coin for it. Assuming the hangover doesn't keep us here... Ahh. As you were saying? The Dominion, yes. I've not forgotten our deal, don't worry. Tomorrow night will be your turn, but tonight I'll share my story. So... where -- *hic* eek. Sorry, I don't normally drink quite this much. Where should I begin? Just start from the beginning, I suppose. Whatever you're comfortable with talking about. Alright... Hmm... ... I, uh... ... Sorry, not used to talking about this. It's been years... It's alright. ... ... I, uh... ... I... was born into nobility. A... somewhat powerful family from Lillandril, northwest of Alinor. The city, rather. I grew up believing the propaganda, as so many of us do now. Looking back, of course I can see how... how far we've fallen. Degraded. But at the time, I wholly believed in the Thalmor's cause. I believed that their way was just, that it was right. Their belief is hardly new one, of course. Lorkhan tricking our et'Ada ancestors and imprisoning them here in the Mundus, us wanting to escape back, that's all been a traditional mindset of ours for quite a long time. But the Thalmor... the Thalmor take it to the extreme. I'm sure I need not speak of their utter hatred for the Mundus and Man, you've fought against it first-hand. But always know that they're patient, and very cunning. They know how to manipulate a situation. They went from a small extremist minority to the rulers of the Summerset Isles, anon Alinor. They riled up the Argonian invasion of Morrowind. And day by day they corrupt more and more of our people with their... their vitriol, and seemingly inalienable contempt for this existence. A sort of... saving grace for me, I suppose, was that I wasn't nearly as radicalized as some of the others; I bought into the cause, but not the hatred. I managed to keep a degree of moderation. I still saw you as the opposition, of course, but... less of an enemy, more as just our misguided younger cousins. I hoped you could eventually be made to see the truth, and we could all work together to break free of the Mundus and escape together. But I knew blood had to be shed before that could happen. The Great War was in planning for some time, and... well, I never much cared for court intrigue. Politics and rumormongering were not my forte, I always saw myself making a difference with a blade in my hand. So I went into the military, and trained as a Templar. That's where I excelled. It was just, uh... smaller stuff, at first. Guard duty, quelling bandits and... insurrections... so on and so forth. The Dominion has its own internal problems to deal with like anywhere else, and those problems were my opportunity to show my worth. We weren't fighting the War just yet, but I still managed to climb my way up a ways and show I was capable of more efficiency and subtlety than the rest of the rank and file. I'd found my calling, and they could see that. As I'd come to find out, I'd drawn the attention of some very important individuals during my years of service. Once we were gearing up for the War, I was given command of a small unit operating under direct Thalmor authority. We called ourselves the Crimson Guard. We weren't part of the main invasionary forces, rather we were auxiliaries working on the sides. Helping deal with important side objectives so our main forces could proceed unmolested up to Hammerfell. The sort of thing where your success meant the main forces never knew anything was wrong in the first place, I would imagine. Precisely. They were safe and none the wiser. Which was fine, I wasn't in it for glory, I was doing my part just as we all were. And we were effective. Efficient and ruthless. Just as I always was, just as I taught the rest of my unit to be. I'm half... prideful, and half ashamed of how well we did. Suffice it to say, I... ... I have a lot of blood on my hands. We all did. But I always had a single rule: When feasible, I would spare the non-combatants. It was war, I knew things had to be done, but I still wanted to limit the damage. I still saw you as people just the same as mine, not as vermin like many of the others did. We'd take prisoners whenever we could, take them back to camp for the others to handle... ... At the time I didn't... really think about what'd happen to them from there. My focus was on the war effort, but I still thought I was at least giving the prisoners a second chance for when the War eventually ended... but I do notice that I never saw or heard about any of the prisoners again. I probably saved them from one death only to naively send them to another. Probably would've been more merciful to cut them down on the spot. You were doing what you thought was right. I know. Doesn't mean it was right. But I digress. I had that rule, and I stuck to it. But all too often I witnessed the systematic slaughter of your people. People who didn't need to be killed. And not just yours, even our own kind. Those who spoke out. And I had to hold my tongue and... do what I was ordered to do, if those people ended up on my list to deal with. Because I knew my more... sympathetic views would be decidedly unwelcome among the extremists. And it hurt. It hurt so much to see what we had become. We were supposed to be better than that. We're Altmer, we were the apex. Much of your culture is based upon ours. Ours was the pinnacle and the template of society as you know it. Yet here we are, allowing ourselves to be ruled by this... this genocidal madness. Eventually I... I just... ... I don't know, I just started losing faith in the Thalmor. I still believed in the cause at the time, but I was starting to see the Thalmor themselves less and less as worthy bearers of that cause. Unworthy rulers of a new corrupted Dominion. Lady Ayrenn would be spinning in her grave if she saw us now... ... It was probably also fatigue from the fighting mixing with my disillusionment, Xarxes knows I was tired of everything. Tired of killing, tired of seeing civilians dying for no reasons... tired of everything. I was there when we took the Imperial City. Not for the... massacre itself, when our forces got in. We stayed outside to help guard the perimeter. But I heard it. By the ancestors, I heard it all. The screaming... The... guttural screaming of those poor people. I could hear the... the terror in their cries, the agony. I still hear it, even now. I hear it in my dreams, Vaermina knows. Even awake, I'll be doing... something, anything, and out of nowhere I'll hear the screams. That's when everything started to just... crack. I was having my doubts beforehand, but that truly started the spiral downwards for me. By the time your forces regrouped and started marching to take the Red Ring Road, I was... barely holding on. I was fighting more because I still felt I had to, not because I believed in the cause anymore. I was jaded, I was tired, I just... ... ... What finally broke you? ... Ahh... we were a ways southwest of Cheydinhal, tracking a small militia that'd formed. Little more than farmers with pitchforks and old guardsmen, but still something we had to deal with. We cornered them in the ruins of an old fort. They were trapped in a tower, a mage among them put up a powerful ward to stop us from entering. We later found out there was a system of underground tunnels connected to the towers, presumably they were trying to open the way and escape, but in the meantime we had them trapped. One of our scouts happened to spot your forces moving near Cheydinhal and quickly reported back. General Jonna's army, I believe? Mm. Mm, well you can imagine it was a bit of a shock to find out there was an entire army marching right behind us. I went out with the scout so we could get a better look. Talingar, my second in command, stayed behind to figure out how to deal with the militia. But it seems we were spotted beforehand and walked right into a trap. Lost my helmet and weapon, but I was able to escape. The scout wasn't so lucky. When I got back... (Lord Talingar, Khajiit sees Lady Calcona returning... it appears she is alone.) ... Well... (Talingar, what did you do?) ... (Calcona, what happened? Where's the scout?) (The Imperials got the drop on us, these ones are not to be trifled with. Now answer my question, what did you bloody do? If I could see the smoke from Cheydinhal, the Imperials could too!) ... (We're a little pressed for time, my lady. I've burned the tower out like a rat's nest. Just waiting for the spell to finally wear off so we can recover what little might remain of use and move on.) (You-...) (...) By the Ancestors... 30 Rain's Hand, 4E 175. You... you burned them alive... ... Is there a problem? ... They're just humans, Calcona. And we're pressed for time. I am aware of what they are, you fucking imbecile. They didn't have to die like this. -- Mind your tongue, Calcona, lest I carve it out. Mind your place, lest it becomes your gravesite. ... ... ... ... I'm done... ... I'm done. The Crimson Guard's all yours, Talingar. I'm... I'm done with this. I'm done with this war. I'm done with all this bloodshed. ... Tell them... ... Tell them I died. The Imperials trapped me, I couldn't escape. Dragged my body off. I was never here. ... You would give it all up? The cause? Our friendship? Your family? For these... maggots? This blight upon the face of Nirn? ... Your sympathy for our foe has become your undoing, Calcona. ... And your blind contempt will become yours. They're people, Talingar. No different than you or I. When all's said and done... when this war is over... you'll have nothing but your memories. You'll have to live with what you've done... ... What we've all done. I know I've had to. ... ... The Imperials are headed this way. You'd best find a way to dispel those flames quickly if you want to recover anything in time. ... (...) ... And in that instant, I'd burned all bridges. I finally snapped... It wasn't even the worst thing I'd witnessed. But... Final straw. Yes. I was tired, Regulus. So... damned tired. Tired of the blood. Tired of the screams. And that final little push did me in, and I was tired of Talingar speaking above his station again, and I just snapped... I still feel a little... sad, for how things went with him. For the things I said, for hitting him... Believe me, in his own way he did mean well. He... unfortunately bought into the hatred, but I know he was doing what he genuinely believed was right for our people. I can't really fault him for good intentions, especially given I once held similar beliefs. And he was my closest, oldest friend, I never... never thought something like that would ever happen. But I suppose it had to happen. And so I ran. It was almost *hic* dawn, and I'd already spent almost all of my considerable Magicka stores out of desperation to get away from the Cheydinhal ambush, but I had just enough to keep a Night Eye spell going for a while. I ran into one of your forward scouts. Well, more like she was lying in wait, knew I was there. We... fought. I wanted to get away without bloodshed, but couldn't. Was her or me, and I couldn't tarry, I knew the rest of you wouldn't be far behind... I'll... spare the details. - So that was you? You know, I thought those scars looked familiar. You were clad in Glass, yes? ... Yes, I was. Wait, you were actually there? Couple of us were scouting nearby when we heard the fighting, I got there just in time to see you running into the treeline. I almost set off after you myself, but I was needed there and not off chasing lone stragglers. Hm. Small world, as they say. Small world indeed... huh, surprised you remember me after all this time. My eyesight back then was a lot better than it is now, and you looked like someone of some importance to keep in mind. Whenever I saw one of ours die, I tried to make a mental note of their killers, in case I ever got an opportunity to take vengeance on any of them. You... were, obviously, added that list. I see. But, that was then. And it was war, we've all got blood on our hands. I don't even remember any of the others on the list, and I don't really care to. The past is the past. I've, uh... actually kind of actively tried to forget the faces from back then. I probably wouldn'tve recognized you if we weren't already talking about this. Fair enough. ... Anyways... I, uh... I kept going east for a while to sidestep your forces, then northeast to a pass into Morrowind, making for Blacklight. Figured that out of all of Tamriel at *hic* that point in time, the Dunmer would be the... least hostile. They proved to be their usual selves, of course, I knew a certain measure of their infamous xenophobia awaited me. But at least I knew that, I knew what I was dealing with. Eventually I left my armor behind. Tiring me out, not to mention it could draw attention. I happened upon a secluded little shack in the middle of a forest. I was... half starving, and dead on my feet. I knew how to live off the land, but the land wasn't being particularly kind to me at that point, given I was a little limited in where I could go due to the risk of running into Imperial forces. Old man who lived there took me in, gave me shelter. I told him I was a refugee trying to get away from the war. Not a lie, really, just obviously not the full story. But he didn't press the matter. He knew about the war, of course. But he didn't seem to care that I was an Altmer. I didn't perceive any mistrust, he just... he was just helping someone in need. Just reaffirmed my belief that we were wrong about you. Destroying everything, slaughtering Man and dissenting Mer... it was wrong. It was all wrong. The Thalmor are nothing but nostalgic fools seeing only what once was, not appreciating what was now, and what could be. And here was an old man I could kill with my bare hands, and he knew it. Yet he believed me, trusted me... and I certainly did not take him for a fool. I'd seen plenty of fools in my time, I knew he wasn't one. He was quite sharp indeed. I think he... he might've saw me for what I was trying to be. Saw how I was different from the Dominon. Knew I meant no harm. He sheltered me for a couple nights, and once I regained my strength I set out. He gave me some supplies, clothes, coin... ... more than I needed, but he insisted. There truly was kindness to be found among Men... ... ... Anyways. I came across a small group of refugees making *hic* for Morrowind as well. People who'd lost their homes, families... deserters like myself... ... and by then, the person I was had well and truly died. I'd told the old man a false name, "Calindwe". Common enough name, unassuming, and it just stuck for me. That was my name now, that was who I was. Just... Calindwe, a refugee trying to get away from it all. I've not heard or spoken my old name since I left. A conscious decision; that's who I was, but not who I am now. Purely a symbolic gesture, to be honest, but still one I stick to. I won't ask what your old name was, then. It's yours alone. Heh... thank you. At any rate, we finally got to Blacklight. And that's where I lived for quite some time, though I traveled around a bit every now and then. I became a painter. I always liked to paint when I was younger, before I went into the military and had little time to spare for it. I obviously had the skillset for mercenary work, which probably would've been good coin, but I... Too soon. Too soon. I made decent coin off of the paintings anyway. Eventually I decided to move on to Skyrim and ply my trade here. A somewhat... brazen decision, for obvious reasons, but I was tired of breathing in ash, and I did always like the cold. But it turned out to be the best decision I ever made, because I met Maja and the others soon after I arrived. Our little group adventuring about, doing all kinds of good work... and Maja's caring nature keeping me in high spirits... it made me realize I'd been given a second chance here. An opportunity to be redeemed... to do right. I might never be able to make up for the things I've done in the War... but I can certainly try. *hic* I can at least do what I can, it's better than doing nothing to make things right... And being here, especially with Maja, has helped me so much. She's told me of your... issues. I've had them as well, and like you they've gotten better since I got here. I'm actually happy again, I can think straight, I don't hear the screams as much as I used to... ... I *hic*... I still see the faces, though. I can remember the faces of every single person I killed or saw die, you know? ... well, the ones where I saw their faces in the first place, of course... I can see them with such... detail and clarity. If I was better at painting portraits, I could paint every single face purely from memory... maybe I'll go practice tomorrow. Sometimes I'll see one of their faces just... kind of there, in the distance. Looking back at me. I've long ago learned to just ignore them, but I can still feel their eyes on me. Judging me. But they're free to *hic*... to judge me. Because I'm here to do right. I gave up... everything to get away. I... I haven't even seen my family since. I haven't tried to contact them, nothing. I don't know how well they've handled my... "death", I don't even know if they're still alive, if Talingar and the Crimson Guard survived. But I had to give all of that up. It wasn't a decision made lightly, not by any stretch *hic* of the imagination... but it had to be done. And so... here I am now. Half drunk, happily conversing with a human friend of another human friend. A friend who was once an enemy soldier, at one point probably mere yards away from me. My parents would have a fit if they saw me now... heh... Ahh... But I want you to understand something. I barely know you, Maja talking about you notwithstanding. But she trusts you, and I trust her, so *hic* that's good enough for me. I've not told anyone else what I've just told you tonight. So this is a great deal of trust I've placed upon you. I'll take it to my grave, Calindwe. Don't worry. I appreciate it... ... At least now I've spoken about it. Gotten it off my chest. You're a good listener, you know? ... And I... I suppose I will tell Maja about it. Not... not right when she gets back, but... soon. You're right, she doesn't seem to be bothered by the thought, and she hasn't asked. But it's... ... It's only fair, I think. She's shared much of her own story with me, and especially she's given me so much of my life back... and I've *hic* remained closed off to her. It's only fair to finally tell her the truth of who she's dealing with, especially since she already suspects it. ... Anyways. Sorry if I... rambled a bit here and there. I tend to do that when I'm a little tipsy. All good. Sounded like you needed to talk about it. Kind of been the month for this stuff, actually. Maja recently told me about what happened with her mother, I've talked with her and Aleri a bit more about... my issues, and Gwenevere. Been talking with Aleri a lot these last couple of weeks, actually... At any rate... ... I should probably make this my last cup for tonight, if we're going into Whiterun tomorrow. I've had hangovers before, kind of why I stopped with the hard booze. Heh, same... But, on that topic... again, this isn't bad at all for cheap wine, but... there's still something to be said for the finer stuff. While you're here, could I perhaps buy you a drink at the Mare sometime, and we can talk some more? Happily... but usually when someone buys me a drink, it's to do more than just talk, so... I'll say upfront, I'm afraid I don't go for men. Only women, I know. Not why I was asking. I'd like to pick your brain a bit more, curious how you've... managed to deal with your issues so much better than I have. Curious if there's anything I could be doing better that you know about. Sure. Perhaps sometime next week, when I've settled in and rested up? Sounds good. Mm... Anyways... getting a tad late, and I've drunk a bit more than I normally do. Shall we call it a night? We shall. Hopefully we can sleep it off, since we'll be doing this again tomorrow night. Heh, indeed. But hey, it's tradition. Mm... ... Goodnight, Calindwe. Goodnight, Regulus.