@ "call me scum" e.g. - I doubt that you will get that kind of feedback from anyone here on LL.

So, let me try to get the facts straight: you are the fuck-friend  / sidekick of your bisexual lady, living in open relationship (while you prefer to live in restraint). And you had a one-night-stand with another lady who wanted nothing but being naughty (cause I took it that she was not interested in a relationship).

Therefore I conclude that you miss the type of normal relationship everyone preaches about. You want a closer relationship with lady Bi (since you kind of like / trust her enough), which most likely will never happen. Well, to find that kind of relationship you desire... I guess there is no other subject in the history of our species that ever attracted more attention then mating..

You are still very young (everything far from 30 is very young, above 30 is mature in our times). There is one common saying I got from "total war: rome", originated by a Roman writer / philosopher / don't aks me: "if you don't know where you are sailing, no wind is fortunate". Meaning: as long as you are without a plan and role for yourself, you'll never find what you need most. Simple logic.

Well, it's more along the lines of the cheating behind her back that makes me feel guilt, had I invited her in the feeling wouldn't have been there. I've been cheated on, and while I doubt she's going to be offended, I felt betrayed when it happened to me. It's my own self-appointed stigma that you should be open about what you do, and if you don't want a relationship you end it so both sides keep their self-respect.(I still do want the relationship, but just saying) I am waiting for her to get back so I can tell her in person instead  of over the phone, because at least then it won't feel like I'm a coward.

You're probably right about the one night stand, but my mind ends up racing with hypothetical scenarios, like what if she was trying to use her ability (average, but she was young) to create something more? What if she was in a relationship, and I caused another person to be in the same terrible situation that I was in? And this one I'm checking into tomorrow, what if she had something I don't want i/e std's? I know it's probably just me living in my head, and in a few days, it'll all be fine, but, I'm not that kind of person and I feel a bit guilty is all I'm saying.

Regarding the "scum" thing, you're probably right, but, I was just putting that up for the sake of seeing what somebody else might say. I really wouldn't even care if they did say such things, because, these users are not relevant in my life. Sorry if it offends anyone, but it's true.  

Do you think humans in general aren't scum, too? Do you think your girlfriend isn't? Bear in mind I am not advocating painstaking honesty.

Do I think all humans are scum? No, I know a lot of people are scum, but not everybody. I don't think I'm scum, I do my best to be the best I can be, and make others lives better. I don't think my gf is scum either, I do believe she's self-serving, but everybody is. Scum is the person who knows he/she has an std, and still spreads it without a care of the people they hurt. Scum is a married man or woman who constantly cheats instead of ending the relationship, or the lover who doesn't give a damn that the person is married so long as they get their own satisfaction. Having your own interest at heart, doesn't mean you have to hurt others in the process. It's that thought process where somebody doesn't care who they affect, that makes them trash.

That being said, I am growing rather tired of dealing with all people of that regard.

It is understandable that you adhere to that relationship with your "gf" and that you feel guilty (althoug you know better). You want that to be more. And that's the problem. You WANT. You know that it's not rational to want, because it will not happen, but you refuse to admit that this girl is not what you really need. I wouldn't call it "torn between to choices" - you just lack the energy to move forward. We all search for stability in our live.

And, if I understand your live so far, you don't have many persons to rely on. No wonder you want let her go. That what you put yourself in is most likely very good - you got to learn the feeling, but you also know (!) that there will be no consequences for your misbehaviour. As ungentlemanly as it sounds, but it's goood practice.

You go ahead and tell her about how you feel. Not only about the 1-night-stand, but about your relationship with your GF and what you expect of it (now and in the near future). Maybe she will dump you, are she will just shrug it off and nothing happens. Least you have clarity about her. That's maybe what you should try. You can't build a castle on sands. If she dumps you - find something better.

And I'll leave with just another quote, this time from the great movie "Grand Budapest Hotel" (uttered by Ralph Fiennes great alter ego): "Never be jealous" - or something similar.

It may sound irritating at first. But he is right. Jealousy has no positive side-effect. It's always destructive. Tell her how you feel to get rid of that feeling. It will destroy you.

It is understandable that you adhere to that relationship with your "gf" and that you feel guilty (althoug you know better). You want that to be more. And that's the problem. You WANT. You know that it's not rational to want, because it will not happen, but you refuse to admit that this girl is not what you really need. I wouldn't call it "torn between to choices" - you just lack the energy to move forward. We all search for stability in our live.

 

And, if I understand your live so far, you don't have many persons to rely on. No wonder you want let her go. That what you put yourself in is most likely very good - you got to learn the feeling, but you also know (!) that there will be no consequences for your misbehaviour. As ungentlemanly as it sounds, but it's goood practice.

 

You go ahead and tell her about how you feel. Not only about the 1-night-stand, but about your relationship with your GF and what you expect of it (now and in the near future). Maybe she will dump you, are she will just shrug it off and nothing happens. Least you have clarity about her. That's maybe what you should try. You can't build a castle on sands. If she dumps you - find something better.

 

And I'll leave with just another quote, this time from the great movie "Grand Budapest Hotel" (uttered by Ralph Fiennes great alter ego): "Never be jealous" - or something similar.

 

It may sound irritating at first. But he is right. Jealousy has no positive side-effect. It's always destructive. Tell her how you feel to get rid of that feeling. It will destroy you.

The thing is, I am comfortable with the way things are going now. I don't really KNOW if it's lifelong, or even care for that matter. I really posted about her what I did, so as people could understand that I was feeling guilty about cheating, and not that I was afraid of her leaving. Yes, I am a bit of a hopeless romantic, but to be honest, if our relationship was cookie-cutter, I think we'd both be tired of it and would have ended it. We enjoy each others company, the sex is GREAT, outside of the bedroom the chemistry is still there, and living together we don't have to worry about creepy roommates. Believe it or not, we are long term, even thinking about having kids some day, our sex-lives are just a bit more relaxed then I'm used to from prior relationships was all I meant.

I told her about what happened, she more or less felt more bad for the girl then upset I cheated, like I figured. I am being punished though, no special mouth work for a month(but apparently I still have to, greedy bitch XD). All the post was, was a chance to vent and gather my thoughts about what happened.

Well, in that case, and as per your last post (didn't notice it sooner since your blog wasn't shown on the overview since you made a second "blog subject"), I guess you found yourself the golden ticket. She likes you, you like her - future is in planning. What more to want or say to that.

Good work, good luck, have as much fun as you can. Both of you.