Am I becoming insane ?

[Guest]

sry for delay

ok, red it all, my story have some similarities with yours so, going to share it aswell and tell you what i learned from it.

 

its a different one, of course, everyone is different ect.

 

I am crazy:

Its started, when i was 17, 1 year after i came to canada (this have not much to do with canada, its a beautifull country and all, my father lives there and is way happier than in France), i started to think that the simple fact that i was there, would make anyone uncomfortable.This idea was so strong that i lost some social skillz as to interact with others. Interacting with others causes me alot of suffering. So, fear of going out, fear of talking to poeple so to avoid noticing any kind of reject from them.

This have been the same for 11 years, im 28 now, made me kind of handicaped and killed all motivation in anything. For about the first 4 years, i feared i was going crazy but in the meantime; i managed to get a 2 year degree as a cheif cook in a community college in english. and managed to work nightshift on a fast food for 5 straight years, so the crazy concern fade away.

 

I also went bodybuilding, went from 120 pounds to 175 something like that in 4 months, was super motivated. Social side stayed pathetic, i only noticed that the muscles were a social psychological tool to hide my disorder to others and so, dropped, but didnt regretted it. I noticed a downgrade in the way i think during the last year back when i was working nightshift, as if i was getting sure that i was a weight for the humanity, that the world would be way better without me. Also a weakening in my immune defence system, got sick more often and in long terms, the possibility of reducing longevity. I also have been mean to my coworker, this is my biggest regret, as im extremely sensible as to how poeple feel. Yet becoming anti-social.

After a family friend came for a vacation, i found the motivation to get up to date with my paper, passport ect and finely come back to France, and according to a doctor i see, its going better, rly slowly which is normal because i stayed so long without any help, but better nethertheless. I fear alot less to go out also.

 

After all thoses years, im starting to have a better idea as to where does it come from, multiples factors (childhood) that made me have that strange idea back then but one thing is sure, time goes fast, you are 22, its in your best interest to find that motivation to get better fast. (easy to say aint it) . i tell you that becasue ...men if i choosed to get better back at 22, i would certainly be able to enjoy life more. Not the end for me haha, im unaware yet of how happy i could become, 28 y old virgin (according to female i met, im well, some used the term "hot" other "cute"! hilarious! judge me the way you want on that one lol). But if i think of some beautifull girls that i met, this could be a motivation hm, i should rememnber this line.

 

On the last note, i would like to say that having this type of issue isnt a bad thing (unless you go boom to that brain, oh that brain in which i also dreamed of scrumbling it to make it pay for all the suffering it puts us through xP ) but more seriously, the more suffering we experience, the more we getting away from superficial things, getting focus on what matter the most. At least, it works that way for me. And i know that if i ever surpass this problem, if i ever succeed in building days after days the the strenght to get back into a normal life, i wont have any difficulty, because i would have finely and fully accire myself. And any other problems like running out of gaz, losing someone close or raising a child will be easier with that life experience.

And i need to think more about girls! 8)

 

I hope this will help, even if its a bit.

 

Thank you for the ones that red it all!

I could not read it all.

Typos got me all stuck, "fully accire myself".

I went to look up "Accire" which the internet said was a form of "accio" which,

when used with the word "mortem", means "kill myself".

 

Then there were all of those parenthetical clauses.

Canada, your father, your looks and your weight.

 

 You glossed over your immune system. Were people uncomfortable about the way you sneezed?

The way you had endless nested stories within stories?

You said you wanted Less superficial things, more focus on important things.

I think "Life sucks!" for whatever reason, and it is never normal, but you've found ways to move on.

Bravo.

The rest was uncomfortable tedious (and o my look at the time, I've got to go)

Prayer and forum entries (and funerals) must be similar, they're mostly for ourselves, and if that's true, I hope what you wrote made you feel lots better.

[SoloveyIS]

@ Billiedovahkiin

 

Sorry for the bad english!

-"fully aquire myself" as taking back control of my body/life.

-Imune system getting more weak yes.

-Its a feeling that a familly member gave to me, some sort of sadness that others can sometimes feel. You know, some poeple we meet, we get attracted to them and some others, its the other way around, getting away from then because we dont want them affecting us in a negative way.

-It is that i was suffering, that made me look less into superficial things, and more focus on things that matters.

 

Thank you!

 

Edited: gosh, i should re-read myself more often

[daydreamdirty]

You're not alone. I struggled with anger and rage for over 25 years of my 30 years of living and only let go of 90% of it last year..... or maybe all of it... who knows... but I feel better.

 

I was in a dark little place years ago so ..... I know what hell is like when you carry it around with you. Take my advice and find someone you trust and get some of that sht off of your chest- excuse the language. It'll help you feel better and maybe you'll come up with better ways on dealing with your problems like me.

 

No life isn't perfect and it sucks half of the time (or at least it did for me when I finally wizened up just to see how low I had really sunken down to. It's not pretty and while half of the guys above said that there's a million guys like you.... they're only half right. Alot of guys have anger issues and other issues like yourself and most either talk to someone else to get their own problems fixed or just shove it down inside only for it to come out sideways later and screw things up worse.

 

Hope you're doing better man and hang in there..... I've been struggling with depression, homicidal (usually lies stuck in my head) and suicidal thoughts as well as some amounts of anger/ rage for about 6 years now.... since the end of 2011 when I get stuck down here in charlottesville, va.

 

Sad thing it's almost worse than the Marne Express..... and that was hell.... Had to leave my unit because I felt I was going to blow up and shoot someone from my old unit...... sad but I'm glad I moved on even though I miss half of those jerks.... (lol)

[deathclaw_fantasy]

big post

Stop drinking or at the very least cut that shit down to a manageable amount (weekends, days off or only social events). I'm a sober alcoholic and I can tell you right now, that shit does not help your brain think clearly and is playing a huge role in your depression/anger. Even when you're a few days out sober you're still not 100% upstairs, so that's a good first step in getting some clarity and managing your depression/anger. Also quit smoking ASAP, also a former smoker too (how original!) not only is it killing you, again it fucks with your brain chemistry and is not helpful to your mood.

 

If I'm reading what you wrote correctly, you're saying that the people you hang around and party with leave you feeling more depressed afterwards? Ditch them. Obviously you have no real connections on a deep level to these people anyway, so what's the point? Cutting assholes out of your life that bring you down is super important (experience here).

 

Do you have any IRL hobbies you can meet people through or anything you'd like to engage in that would let you meet new people? You could always look around online in places like here or steam groups/forums for people to game with and chat too.

 

Don't bother with therapy or you run the risk of getting sent back into the hospital, total waste of time (again, experience here). If you MUST do some therapy, your best bet is talk therapy, but even then having coffee and hashing it out with someone you know is cheaper and just as productive.

 

Going to let you in on a little secret here too; having a girl in your life isn't going to make you better. Don't fall for that trap. Whatever is eating you inside is your problem and your solution. Don't fall for that trap that so many young guys fall victim too. Been there and done that. (Not implying that's what you're going for, just putting a general warning out there).

 

Also simple exercise and getting natural sunshine will help you. Make sure the sun is actually hitting your skin though, don't know if it's cold where you live right now. So a walk in the park or a hike in the woods is always a good idea.

 

I know you didn't ask for advice but I'm giving it to you anyway m8. Hope you feel better from one miserable bastard to another.

[Guest]

 

big post

Stop drinking or at the very least cut that shit down to a manageable amount (weekends, days off or only social events). I'm a sober alcoholic and I can tell you right now, that shit does not help your brain think clearly and is playing a huge role in your depression/anger. Even when you're a few days out sober you're still not 100% upstairs, so that's a good first step in getting some clarity and managing your depression/anger. Also quit smoking ASAP, also a former smoker too (how original!) not only is it killing you, again it fucks with your brain chemistry and is not helpful to your mood.

 

If I'm reading what you wrote correctly, you're saying that the people you hang around and party with leave you feeling more depressed afterwards? Ditch them. Obviously you have no real connections on a deep level to these people anyway, so what's the point? Cutting assholes out of your life that bring you down is super important (experience here).

 

Do you have any IRL hobbies you can meet people through or anything you'd like to engage in that would let you meet new people? You could always look around online in places like here or steam groups/forums for people to game with and chat too.

 

Don't bother with therapy or you run the risk of getting sent back into the hospital, total waste of time (again, experience here). If you MUST do some therapy, your best bet is talk therapy, but even then having coffee and hashing it out with someone you know is cheaper and just as productive.

 

Going to let you in on a little secret here too; having a girl in your life isn't going to make you better. Don't fall for that trap. Whatever is eating you inside is your problem and your solution. Don't fall for that trap that so many young guys fall victim too. Been there and done that. (Not implying that's what you're going for, just putting a general warning out there).

 

Also simple exercise and getting natural sunshine will help you. Make sure the sun is actually hitting your skin though, don't know if it's cold where you live right now. So a walk in the park or a hike in the woods is always a good idea.

 

I know you didn't ask for advice but I'm giving it to you anyway m8. Hope you feel better from one miserable bastard to another.

 

 

I liked your post, almost all of it. Especially the part about exercise and sunshine.

 

The smoking part was just wrong though, The world is a really pissed-off toilet since beach-towns with their little condos and pretentious piers outlawed smoking.

And (to no one in particular)

what is with the sudden social acceptance of smoking pot? "smoking" is either evil or it isn't.

Nice people, priests from Ireland, movie stars, presidents, they all used to smoke, and the world was a better place.

Now it's shit and you'll still die of cancer from

Painting

freeways

stress

work

the wife (husband)

  Smoking is to society what Satan is to deluded religious types. Disaster? Blame satan. Crime? Blame satan

And governments profit off of people's need to calm down to be just a little happier.

 

Smoke! Be inspired, write better forum entries, meet people, be happier, profit.

 

[deathclaw_fantasy]

I liked your post, almost all of it. Especially the part about exercise and sunshine.

 

The smoking part was just wrong though, The world is a really pissed-off toilet since beach-towns with their little condos and pretentious piers outlawed smoking.

And (to no one in particular)

what is with the sudden social acceptance of smoking pot? "smoking" is either evil or it isn't.

Nice people, priests from Ireland, movie stars, presidents, they all used to smoke, and the world was a better place.

Now it's shit and you'll still die of cancer from

Painting

freeways

stress

work

the wife (husband)

  Smoking is to society what Satan is to deluded religious types. Disaster? Blame satan. Crime? Blame satan

And governments profit off of people's need to calm down to be just a little happier.

 

Smoke! Be inspired, write better forum entries, meet people, be happier, profit.

 

 

 

Is English not your first language? I really can't understand what you write, no offense.

 

Smoke if you want, it's your cancer. If you think I'm trying to be some overbearing asshole, well I'm not. Quite frankly I could give a fuck what people want to do, but I'm just putting it out there that it's very detrimental to your health, because y'know I have experience and all that junk. Go figure!

 

[KoolHndLuke]

I've always been a loner in life. So I've always had to figure out how to solve my own problems without much help. I'm not crying about it as I prefer it this way. I prefer my complete independence to needing to meet someone else's expectations. That being said - I have had problems with depression throughout my life.

 

The way I always deal with it is to get fuckin mad at myself and see myself for the whiny little bitch I am being. Wallowing in self-pity can spiral out of control if you let it. So lift your ass off the ground and DO SOMETHING- ANYTHING. You need to keep your mind engaged so you don't have time to think - effectively blocking emotions.  Meaning that you need to fight those feelings as much as you can. Some day you will understand what is important in life and what isn't. Hell you might look back at this and wish you had it that good again. And ignore these people that say life just sucks-deal with it. They are fucking cynics that wish to inflict their misery upon you (kinda remind me of monkeys throwing their shit at the Zoo). Life can sometimes be very rewarding and a lot of fun!!! The only person that can solve some of your problems is you. 

[Enigmatisty]

It's more or less simply learning how to live with those feelings. You need to realize that life isn't always going to consist of that high you get from drinking coffee and the bursts of inspiration and those happy-go-lucky days, and sometimes there's really nothing you can do but suck it up and wait until you get an opportunity to make things better for yourself. And that's just the way it is sometimes. 

 

It's a rather harsh way of looking at things, but imo it's what I realized after I was depressed as shit in high school. Nothing's going to last forever unless you let it last forever, be it drama or feelings. It may be out of control for you, but the way you handle the situation and how long you let it persist and eat at your sanity even during your free time is something that IS under your control, even if you're not good at analyzing or controlling it.