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Seeking Freedom (all on one page)

The Dadaist Sadaist


Seeking Freedom

–The Journal of a Woman Sold–


Spoiler Warning: Based on Captured Dreams


---Last Seed, 17th, 4E 201---
Aerius sold me to an elf calling herself "Master". I don't know what for, but it seems Aerius owed her a great debt or maybe tried betraying here. I remember him fetching me from below deck on the Shadow Empress. I did as he said. As always. Because he hits me if I don't. But as soon as he and I went above deck he hit me with something in the face. My face hurts. The next thing was just nightmares. I don't know. Master said I have to work in her mine. There is a quota. She doesn't seem to care much, she didn't even wanted to know if I could do something more useful. But I can read, and write... most here can't. Except Mecius, who is the overseer here and keeps the mine's ledger. Unlike the other slaves in the mine I am locked into a cage for the night. I don't have anything to write, I just have to keep it in my head, for now. Maybe if I show I can be useful I can get out of this mine... I already dread the darkness here.


---Last Seed, 19th, 4E 201---

I worked very hard these last few days. Mecius asked what I can do. I said I received education, I can read, write, read maps, make correspondonce, he cut me short. He doesn't care. I'm not dumb, I know they "made" me their property. Mecius is probably some sort of property as well. He wears a collar. But he is a "finer grade" of property, you see.

He send me to bring some ore to the ork stronghold Nazulbur. I didn't know where it was, he showed me on a map. It is on the other end of Skyrim... this mine, this slave owner's compound, for a lack of better word, is near Falkreath (I didn't know). He said I have to get back by tomorrow. T o m o r r o w. Or there will be consequences. He said the belt would kill me.

He gave me my fur clothes for this, instead of the rags I have to wear in the mine. "The collar stays on". For everyone to see.

The ore is heavy, and it is far. I must hurry.


---Last Seed, 20th, 4E 201---

It was tortourus. To make it anywhere near time I couldn't just hike there, I had to run all the way there and back with the ore and the ingots. The smith tried to cheat me, saying the order was just for 15. But I can read. He commanded me to suck him, even said he would give me "extra". Right there, at his forge. It was degrading. At least he actually kept word. I came back with 25, too late. Mecius didn't complain about that. Noticed I brought 25 back, said "you really love to serve others, don't you?". There really isn't anything like shame, or dignity, left for people like me. People like me who have been stolen from their people, sold over and over again. Used and abused countless times.

On the bright side, I did get to see the day of light. There were some dead imperial soldiers by the wayside, probably killed in a skirmish with the stormcloaks. One of them kept a journal, he had ink and an almost empty journal. Mecius allowed me to keep it.


---Last Seed, 21st, 4E 201---

Today Mecius sends me to fetch something from Beirand, the smith in Solitude. I have until tomorrow sunset to return, which actually is reasonable. Perhaps the first time was just a test?

I passed by an ending skirmish between about twenty Imperial soldiers and a dozen Stormcloaks. The imperials easily overpowered the Stormcloaks, it looked really bad. These days they just leave all the corpses and blood to rot, but not before the wolves and other animals chew on them.


---Last Seed, 22nd, 4E 201---
As I arrived in Solitude, a gate guard was executed for high treason. They said he let Ulfric Stormcloak escape after killing High King Torryg (something I only overheard... Aerius obviously didn't buy any paper let alone let me read them, but sometimes you just overhear people talking of rumors...).

Beirand wanted De'Zras opinion on something, but since she wasn't sent there, he "retrieved" it from me instead. He put some chains and restraints on me (... in public, right at the feet of Castle Dour). Then, while I was gagged, he asked questions: "are they holding? do they pinch?". Figuring that I'd rather not upset him, I answered them by shaking and nodding. After that ordeal he removed them again and I was "free" to return to the mine.

The belt has something attached to it, it is inside me, I could feel it from the beginning but wasn't sure. During the journey it started to move... it felt good. I wanted to touch myself, but the belt prevents that. It is the ultimate sign of ownership. Putting a belt on someone, so that they can't even touch themselves, pleasure themselves, procreate, or spend any living second without feeling the belt, knowing exactly what it means. That they are owned.


---Last Seed, 22nd, 4E 201---
Today Raccan (a guard of some sort, but he's also wearing a collar?) moved me to the Smithy. I now sleep in the Barracks; still in a cage (albeit a bigger one shared with many slaves), but I have my own cot now. I don't need to sleep on the cage floor any more.

In the smithy I have to smith rough shapes meant for further refinement. I'm not a smith by any stretch of the imagination, but I've worked with a smith before. De'zras expectations are high to say the least. Today I was supposed to make 40 belts and 120 plugs, which in itself is a lot. But due to her high standards, I had to retouch about two thirds of them, and some another time after that.

I am completely exhausted now and almost falling asleep writing these lines.

PS: I have my own chest now... of course I still don't have real property, I "belong" to them, and so does everything I might consider belonging to me.


---Last Seed, 24th, 4E 201---
De'zra was overall pleased with my hard work.

I am being sent out again. I am looking for someone called Rayani, which works for Master in some Dwemer Ruin, but De'zra does not actually know where. Rayani apparently sent a letter requesting someone to pick stuff up, but a part went missing and the courier is a drunkard who doesn't remember even in which city he picked the letter up.

All I know is: she is probably in or near some dwemer ruin, and I'd wager it is one close to a city, or at least an inn (due to the courier).

I have two days to find her. Two.


---Last Seed, 24th, 4E 201---
Today I traveled to Windhelm since I thought it might be Raldbtar, which is only a bit west from Windhelm. I talked to the keeper at the inn near the gate, she knows the courier but hasn't seen him in weeks. This decision cost me a full day. The sun has now set and I am making for Winterhold, hoping that she might be in the I believe large ruins west to it.

I have now reached Winterhold, in the middle of the night. The keeper was still awake, and the inn open, but he doesn't now the courier. It looks like I'm in the wrong spot altogether.

I'm making my way to Dawnstar.

I killed my first wolf today, with a bow no less.


---Last Seed, 25th, 4E 201---
Dawnstar was another blank. I'm getting desparate. Where to next?



---Last Seed, 26th, 4E 201---
I journeyed to Rorikstead, I arrived late after sunset. I will now march towards Markarth, the city of Dwemer. I have been told that the reach, the region around Markath, is a dangerous area, with the Forsworn being a more persuasive threat than bandits. I will have to make way through the wilderness, since there is short route from Rorikstead to Markath.

I have to treat carefully.

I have found my way to the Falkreath-Markath road. This might easy things up after all. Still, I am at least one day overdue. I hope the punishment they announced for this will not commence too soon.



---Last Seed, 26th, 4E 201---
I was just attacked by two... I think Vampires. It was vampires. Somehow I managed to kill them with my bow, but they used their magic on me, I feel weakened and sick. It should not be that far to Markarth any more where I can get help, if I have contracted their condition.

I was at the inn and they were not in Markath. Were is she?!

I am thinking, going to Whiterun might be an idea. I believe some Dwemer elevators are to the north of it, and the area is said to be inhabiated by many giants.



---Last Seed, 26th, 4E 201---
On my third day being overdue, I confirmed she is near Whiterun, because the inn keeper is pissed to this very day. The keeper wants 500 pieces in damages, and would not tell me where she came from (which she overheard, I guess, how would she know?). Obviously I am in no position to own that many pieces. But I think I can figure it out from here, I talked to some local in the inn and he told me there are at least two giants camps near the tower of Mzark, so I'm heading there now.



---Last Seed, 27th, 4E 201---
I found her. She was indeed there, but was raped (being one of Master's favourites, she actually has a key and doesn't have to constantly wear a chastity belt and collar) by a giant who stole the dwemer artifact. I was also given a research journal to pass along, it describes a dwemer artifact called "overseer" and it is a bone-chilling read, genuinely frightening.

I'm now on my way back to Captured Dreams. I hope the punishment for being late is not too harsh.

I've turned over the artifact and the journal, contrary to what I expected De'zar was not irritated by me being late at all, rather pleased that

I returned, with the important? artifact. I even got the day off (meaning that I don't have to work, I don't get the day off from the chastity belt, or the collar, or having what is "mine" outside this compound.

I told her that I think I was attacked by Vampires and I feel sick, she sent me to the captain of the guard (who also wears a collar), who sent me into the shop. Before the shop people (also slaves) shooed me out again I explained that - and why - I was sent there. A slave called Tessa gave me a potion to drink and I felt much better afterwards. I thanked her, but she didn't find that appropiate, I guess. Maybe I am just too low in her hierarchy to talk to her.



---Last Seed, 30th, 4E 201---
I have to admit that the belt gets to me. I never touched myself often in the past, I just didn't feel like it often. Since I was laid in chains years ago, I was often abused and held in unspeakable conditions.

But this belt, with its plug digging into me, flouncing and bouncing in me, it gets to me. It makes me thirsty, it wettens me where the belt is, and it softens me, makes me obedient. I loathe it,
for what it does to me, for what it means.

Put a collar on someone, chain them to a wall. You own their body, but you don't get to their mind, their thoughts, their soul.

But this contraption, it makes them squirm, it makes me squirm under their heel. It is total power.
All power you have goes to the one wielding the key.
That small, little key.


---Last Seed, 31st, 4E 201---
I've been sent to Solitude, by the Master personally, to exchange coin for an item. I should meet someone by the lighthouse, I have a bad feeling about this, but no choice to make.



---Heartfire, 1st, 4E 201---
I arrived at the lighthouse, some guys were near it. They called me to stop about 60 steps from it, asked who sent me etc., a lackey collected the coin.

And then they handed me the lesh of a heavily bound slave. She was gagged and hooded, her arms pulled behind her back and bound in a pose that is painful to even look at. Her neck was bound in a bizarre, wide collar and her waist was covered by a locked corset with steel bars in it. A chastity belt was locked onto her, and boots that forced her to walk slowly.

And to top it all off, the guy (Darian) told me, that some imperials were looking for her.


Now I must bring her back to the compound, without getting caught by any guards -- what are you doing with that bound woman? "Uhm, not ... slave trading?" or the imperials haunting for her.
I didn't even know what the imperials want, if they want to free her or kill her, and what they would do to me. But I would find out.

The first hunter was near the Solitude docks, at the crossing of the road coming up from the docks. He angrily demanded that a merchant show what he has in his carriage. I was able to evade her, but the slave struggled.

We made way to Dragons Bridge, but another hunter was waiting at the end of it. As we crossed over, a second hunter came in from the other side. She asked me, obviously knowing what was going on, who the slave was. I said she's a slave, like me (I pointed at the glaringly obvious steel collar around my neck), and that's she's being punished. The hunter of course did not buy it. Without hesitation she swung her blade flat against my head and everything went black.

I woke up on the floor in some kind of throne room.
A guard pulled me to my feet, and I saw that the slave (still locked in most of the restraints, but with those that aren't made of metal removed) sat in the throne.


---Heartfire, 1st, 4E 201 (cont)---
She angrily demanded the keys, which no one gave me. This angered her even more. Then she demanded to know who did this, but I didn't know, angering her more once again. Finally she demanded who I worked for, but I didn't tell her, since I know Master (if I would ever see her or her people again) would punish me most severely for telling her. One of the two guards holding me hit me in the back of my knees, sending me on my knees, and kicked me in the back. Since my hands were tied behind my back I couldn't soften the blow, I flung face first into the floor. My face hurt and blood was coming from my nose. The "slave" asked again but I refused again for fearing the consequences.


To my surprise she didn't have the guards attack me again to force an answer, I don't think I would have been able to withstand much more. Instead she ordered them to lock me up, since she doesn't have a "playroom" here to torture me "properly". She does in Cyrodiil. The two guards dragged me down a hallway into a small cell, chaining my hands far above my head to a chain from the wall, and chaining my feet to the wall. One of the guards pulled a hood over my head, and with a final punch to the stomach he left the cell and locked it. They both left.

Some time passed.


My hands were numb after what seemed like just a few minutes, the cold feeling slowly spread down my arms. Somewhere between doze and wake it felt like there was someone nearby. A woman said, startling me "You're an idiot, you know. They knew that she was picked up at Solitude, and they of course know that the easiest way to the mainlands of Skyrim is over Dragons Bridge. Why did you go that way? Didn't my brother told you to avoid the population?
That was really stupid of you. And then you didn't even put up much of a fight, you're not a fighter, are you? Do you even know how to parry a blow, how to swing a sword? Anyway, you have one more shot at this, if you don't make it, you're dead either way. Let me help you here..." ... this entire dialogue confused me, but I figured that the woman was probably involved in the abduction of the "slave"... and I guess her brother is Darian, the captain who I was sent to to retrieve the "item". She somehow had a key for the cell, but didn't have the keys for my shackles. Instead she put some vinegar and salt into the locks, which she said would weaken them.
Finally she told me that she poisoned the "slaves" meal, which would make her sleep, and prepared some items near her bedroom to get her under control. There is a false back panel in the kitchen, she also told.

With that she left.


I waited for a while and then started to work against my shackles, there were not very tight to begin with, but the vinegar seemed to have weakened them a lot. After quite a bit of working and wiggling them, the shackle on my hands gave way. I stretched my hands, caressing them, as the blood shot back into them painfully, but returning sensation to them. I stripped the hood off my head, and made quick work of my leg irons. The cell door was leaned on the lock, so as to appear closed to casual inspection. Before the cell was a chest, and with no one appearing near the hallway I opened it - it contained everything I had on me, sans some smaller items, but including this journal in my bundle, apparently they didn't notice it.


---Heartfire, 1st, 4E 201 (cont)---

Otherwise they wouldn't have had any need to ask who was behind this, or owned me, presumably if they found my journal they'd just killed me right there on the spot.

One item was not mine in the chest, a dagger was on the top of my pile. The woman told me I had to kill the guards, she said there were four of them. I assumed that the hunters were the guards, since I recognized the hunter from the Solitude crossing as the third guard in the throne room. I didn't know the two guards handling me, and I didn't see the woman who "surrendered" me. I didn't put any clothe on because I feared I might make some treacherous noise, and I didn't know if they were patrolling these hallways or not. So I just grabbed the dagger, I'm not a fighter and no one taught me how to sneak but I know how to be quiet and not get noticed... if you're always get noticed you get hit a lot more.

I sneaked around the hallways, no one in sight. I found the kitchen, presumably the woman who freed me was the chef, and the false back panel. Still no one in sight. Sneaking around the building some more I saw one of the guards who handled me, he was dozing on a bench. The woman said I must kill them. I must get the "slave" out of here (or I will be killed by one side or the other, she threatened).


I came close to the guard, hearing his breath. Moments passed. With my left hand I hovered over his mouth and nose, approaching his throat with the dagger in my right. I began sweating, heart pounding, his breath. I pressed down hard on his mouth and pressed the dagger into his throat, dagger digging into it, blood flowing from him, gargling noises, I pressed down harder, with my entire body weight, blood spurting over my hands, his body went limp, bloodied eyes rolling away without gaze. I wiped my hands and the dagger on his clothes, blood was now dribbling from the bench to the floor.

I was shaking. I didn't think that I could do that, killing a sleeping person, it is against all that I was told is good, or honourable. It wasn't a battle. I just killed him in his sleep.


I collected myself. I took his sword, in case I need it. I moved on. At a crossing of two hallways (this place seemed to be fairly big) I almost ran into another guard, it was the one who kicked and hit me. He was completely surprised, but since I heard his footsteps a moment before I wasn't quite so.  I had the dagger in my right the whole time and stabbed him in the chest, many times, he didn't even managed to pull his sword, because I hindered his right with my left arm and shoulder. This, second time, did not faze me anywhere near as much as my first ... murder? kill? I don't know.


There was much less blood, and this was a lot more like a battle. I didn't feel bad for him, I can't say I took pleasure at it but I stabbed him many times quickly, angrily in wrath. I dragged his dead body to a cranny in the hallway, to avoid someone just stumbling over him.


---Heartfire, 1st, 4E 201 (cont)---

Around that time I found the huge bedroom of the "slave". She was indeed sleeping tight. Since there were still two guards around, if the woman was to be trusted, I moved on. I had to find them first. I found the guard's room, where a guard was eating. I stabbed him in the neck from behind. It was almost mechanical to me. This all shouldn't have happened but it was me or them and I don't want to die, or be tortured to death. Being stabbed in the neck is probably not so bad a death, I think I severed the spine because he instantly fell face first in his plate and was dead. At this point I didn't really feel all that much any more. I just had the aim in mind, finding the last guard, the woman who hit me what feels like almost dead with her sword flat against my head, which is still pounding by the way.

So I sneaked around the mansion or what it was, because it was a really strange building with few windows and all of them were up high, so you couldn't see outside.


Then I heard her. "I know what you did. You murdered Thorig." It was the woman, I recognized the voice. She was yelling loudly. She repeated it. "Come here you worthless piece of dirt and I will end you quickly. I promise.". She was in the throne room, pacing it up and down, yelling. It was quite clear that I cannot stab her in the back. The others were sleeping and not paying attention, because they seemed to think that there was no threat. But she found one of the bodies, she wouldn't just sit down now.

I drew the sword I took from the first guard I killed, and entered the throne room. If not for the life and death situation it must have looked hilarious,


a woman, naked except for a collar and a chastity belt, with a dagger tied to a scabbard, sword in hand, entering a throne room, challenging a trained fighter, wearing armor, yielding her greatsword.

She charged me the moment I entered. Taken by surprise I leapt to the side, and she missed her charge. I got up and ran to the other side of the room. She yelled indiscernable insults and such and charged me again, I tried to dodge her but tripped over the edge of a rug. I'm not sure how it happened, but she tripped over me as well and my sword plunged into the side of her chest. Pushing myself away from her with my legs I got back up, while she was crawling on the floor, holding her deep, bleeding wound.


I stepped on her hand which still clenched around the hilt of her great sword and worked the tip of my sword through the armor under her armpit. Then I shoved the sword into her with the weight of my body.

Since all this noise did not prompt anyone to investigate, I assumed that I was now alone in whatever this place was (few rooms, few windows, connected by unusually long hallways? Who would build something like that?). There were no splatters of blood all over me and I didn't notice earlier, but I cut myself or maybe her sword cut me in the leg and it was bleeding, not bad but I needed to do something about it quick.


Kitchens almost always have some bandages and healing herbs, so I went there and bandaged my thigh, which also started to hurt now. In the kitchen were some buckets with water and a few rugs, so I washed myself and cleaned all the blood of me. I fetched my things from the chest near the cell, and went to the "slaves" bedroom, she was still sleeping sound (the chef-woman must have drugged here for sure). I bound her, she came to a little while after. Not a moment too soon. I told her I killed all the guards and I will now have to do what I have to do. I dragged her by her leash through the faux back panel in the kitchen. There was a door in the hallway behind it, I opened it, but there was nothing beyond it.


Just blackness and a slight glimmering of violet. I was not sure what to make of it, so I shoved her into it and since she disappeared, I guessed it must be some kind of portal. I stepped through it and it tossed me into the wilderness near the road to the Solitude lighthouse. The slave-woman was lying in the grass as well. I dragged her some distance away, and hobbled her with the leash, pulling it through eyelets on the boots locked onto her.

I grabbed something to eat from the kitchen and  I was very hungry, completely exhausted and started to tremble for what I just survived. I rested for a while, then started to write this down.


I will now make way back to the compound, hoping that no further complications arise.


---Heartfire, 2nd, 4E 201---

The journey back was uneventful though more laborous than if I had been alone. The slave often tried to struggle or kick me, but in the end I arrived at the compound. Master was surprised (in a not-good way) that I brought a slave, since she expected an "item". I was ordered to bring her to the dungeon of the mansion (I didn't know it had one, it is extensive and has some cells and a number of torture devices). Master, Harran and another guard and the dungeon master arrived shortly after. The dungeon master removed her mask, which caused Master to snap completely, she started whipping her vigorously. If not for the thigh-high boots, the corset and the obscene collar covering most of her back and neck I think she would have torn her skin to shreds entirely. Harran started to yell "MASTER" to have her uh consider stopping I guess, but he didn't move, actually didn't even twitch or move a finger. The slave fell to the ground, whimpering. She ordered the guard and the dungeon master to bind the slave and lock her in a cell, while Harran escorted me to the barracks. He told me he won't say what this is about, if I should learn of it, Master herself is to tell me (or not). Also, I shall wait here until he fetches me again. To make clear that I don't have a choice, he locked the barracks door (I am alone now).
I don't know what to make of these events.


But I will now eat some and then rest until Harran comes. I don't think I'll be punished, because I didn't do anything I wasn't ordered to. I hope Master sees the same.

While captured by the "slave", I admit that in retrospect I am almost thankful for having to wear the chastity belt. If not for the belt and its sturdy locks, which, unfortunately, I myself cannot open, I am almost sure that the "slave" would have her guards rape me and probably not only once.
On the other hand the belt makes me completely and utterly at mercy of Masters people.
And, if I weren't "owned" by Master, I would obviously not have been in that situation in the first place. Then I'd probably still be at the mercy of Aerius, the drunkard who likes to abuse and rape women on his ship. Or at the mercy of whoever else Aerius handed the chain wrapped around my neck to.

So I guess things could be a lot worse. Master and her people didn't rape me, though they lock me into this belt with its contraptions. Since I'm out of the mine I sleep in a warm cot and get food for work. As evident in this journal, they seem to trust me, or at least the collar on my neck, well enough to frequently send me away, which allows me to roam the beautiful country of Skyrim. However, "property", that is something I only have out there, never, in the compound where the guard will strip me of those items and put them in a locked chest, leaving me with nothing but my work clothes, the belt locked around my waist, the collar on my neck and two pairs of shoes.
And you, my cherished journal.



---Heartfire, 3rd, 4E 201---
Herran picked me up, no one woke me, so when I woke up on my own everybody already went out. The barracks cage door was still locked, so they re-locked it after leaving, which they normally don't do.

Herran brought me to the manor, to the top floor, where Master resides. She told me I am now a maid(-slave) in her manor. The manor administrator-overseer-keeper-master, Markus, introduced me to what that means. First of all, I need to wear a maid uniform. Part of that uniform are what they call "pony boots", which are laced, locked calf-high boots. They are called "pony boots", because they have a horseshoe instead of a sole.

They don't have a heel. They force your heel very far up where it just "floats", kind of. They are very difficult to walk in (not to speak of running), and my feet already hurt after a few hours.

My duties are quite simple, every day I must report to Markus before 7 AM, who will tell me what to do. All chores must be done until sunset.
Noncompliance is rewarded with punishments.
Poor work quality is rewarded with punishments.

Master said if I do a very good job she might give me my freedom back. I'm not sure if that's true, because why would you set a slave free that's doing good work?

Since I am apparantly also available for VIPs, which I'm pretty sure means bodily service, Markus said that I need to work on my looks, especially the hair...

Markus is I think the first person I saw living in the compound, who doesn't wear a collar, besides Master. He is a Nord maybe in his late 40s early 50s, grey hair, not too much of it. He has a weathered, bearded face, and bright eyes. He speaks with a stern voice, but not loudly. You could say that he has a natural authority and calmness to him.



---Heartfire, 4th, 4E 201---
The first day the chores were dust sweeping and collecting firewood (in the full maid uniform). The mansion is pretty big and sweeping the dust to keep up with Master Markus' (aha, Master) standards it takes from sunrise (when Markus assigns tasks) to midday. After that I collected firewood, which took all day and overall Markus was not satisfied. He told me there will be a punishment the next day.


---Heartfire, 5th, 4E 201---
When assigning tasks Markus announced that I will receive a punishment at Master's discretion. She decided that I will be put on public display in the shop for a day and customers as well as her people are allowed to play around with me.

Specifically this means that they put restraining items on me, put a big punishing "plug" into me, which kept sending shocks into the center of me and tied me up in a number of ways.

While that isn't a corporeal punishment, it was very humiliating to me, because it was quite public, the shop is fairly busy and few wanted to miss out on such an attraction (as I understand, normal display slaves are not to be touched or handled in any way by customers, and will only be used for demonstrating items under supervision by the shop slaves).

I'm pretty sure that Master very intentionally picked this punishment, because I think she is aware that I am a being of dignity, that I don't enjoy being considered property, and that I certainly hate being humiliated, especially in front of others.

So while I certainly am aware just how thorough her ownership of me is, how could I forget with the belt around my waist and between my legs, with the collar always locked around my neck, the display of absolute power over me, the power to simply do with me as however she pleases, carried the lesson home clearly. Fulfil your chores to at least one-hundred percent or else.

Especially considering how minor my "transgression" was, basically I was late for the assignment debrief at sunset because the firewood took to long. Just keeping Master Markus waiting for a bit (though he doesn't actually wait, since he has had other things to do) earns a rather thorough punishment. However, it was my first punishment, at least intended punishment, in this compound since I arrived here (I am not counting the mine work, the trip to the ork stronghold and being a slave here, obviously). Maybe it was really just to drive the point home.
Do not fail your masters. Ever. No matter how small the failure, expect punishment.


---Heartfire, 6th, 4E 201---
To avoid further punishments and maybe come closer again to "earning" my freedom ... how could I earn something that I was born with? How can I earn something that someone took from me, simply by force? My freedom is not something that I lost, gave up or exchanged or whatever, it was taken from me and then some. I will not use those words.

So, I will work hard to avoid being punished, and maybe get my freedom back. Get my freedom back, those are the proper words.

I still have to consider it may still simply be a carrot dangling in front of the mule. You can always deny the reward, by simply setting too high requirements, giving assignments that I couldn't possibly complete, then handing out a punishment for the failure, and of course saying that under-performing slaves don't get their freedom.

I do have hope, not confidence, not in this matter, that Master is speaking in honesty when she says she may release me, if I do well.


---Heartfire, 7th, 4E 201---
So yesterdays performance was deemed very good. The daily routine now looks like this, essentially:
7AM (sunrise) report to Master Markus,
get water from the well for the kitchen,
chop firewood for the kitchen,
sweep all floors,
report completion to Markus on time (before 8PM, sunset)

These pony boots have another effect, besides being awkward to walk in and preventing me from going very fast, or moving around a lot, and causing quite a bit of aching in my feet. Note that they are only removed from washing, they remain locked on me the entire day and night besides that.

Even in my sleep these boots are forcing my feet into a posture, moulding them.

But the other effect I am getting at is this: they make a lot of noise. No matter how softly you set your feet down, the iron sole will always make a fairly loud noise. I think this is so that anyone will notice if a maid is nearby. Since the rooms we sleep in are not locked during the night (unlike the barracks) we could sneak about and overhear things, but of course not with these boots. You cannot possibly sneak in these boots.

The strict binding of the maid uniform also shapes the body, ensuring a very upright posture.


---Heartfire, 13th, 4E 201---
In the mansion there is a pretty simple hierarchy: the lower the floor the lower you are. The dungeon is below all, obviously. In the ground floor there are the two maids chambers (Lori and Mila share a room with two beds and yours truly is in a separate room with a bed for two) and a chamber for Andre, the chef, and his assistant Maelasi (they sleep in the same bed, but at least she is wearing one of Masters belts). These chambers have actual beds, just to let you know, and are fairly large, at least for servants quarters. The first floor is occupied by Master Markus, Harran, captain of the guard, and the adventurer Rayani. The top floor is occupied by Master and her lover Ariasha.


---Heartfire, 28th, 4E 201---
Yesterday I had to get water again from the well. Usually I walk over the wooden walkway by the shop. Yesterday I saw some flower blossoming on the edge of the forest at the road, so I walked over the road, which is maybe twenty or thirty steps longer than using the wooden walkway.

That was a mistake. Herran wandered around the compound, as he does often, and must have seen that I was a few steps outside the compound. He cornered me immediately, demanding to know what I am doing and why I am outside the compound. I said as I wrote above, that I just wanted to look and smell the flowers on the way to the well. He was still angry, and said this time he will leave it at that, but if I'd ever leave the compound again without permission he'd make sure I'd get punished properly.

This is the amount of freedom someone my status is granted. These days in the mansion I spend almost all the time in the mansion, sweeping the floors or sleeping. I am only outside to make fire wood, or get water from the well, and as I now learned I am not allowed any detours, regardless whether I would do my chores in time or not.

The monotonous days and always the same work are wearing me, I hope I get sent away soon again. I don't quite want another adventure as intense as last time, but I sure wouldn't object to carrying some ore to an ork blacksmith, or fetching parts from Beirand or Arriane.

Today at the sunset report to Master Markus he told me that I am being moved to Rayanis room. She has a large room on the first floor with a bed for two, I get along with her very well, so let's see where this leads.


---Frostfall, 2nd, 4E 201---
Today I am writing about a topic that many would consider shameful, even insolent to mention.

What the chastity belt and its attachment does with a woman. I touched on this briefly before, mentioning how it dominates you (me) and how its effects will make anyone surrender to their masters every whim.

I also mentioned that without the belt, abstinence has not been a problem for me, mostly because if some asshole keeps you in chains there is no room for romance, and most likely you'll only see abuse and rape. I have heard before that some say that a "master" forcing himself on a slave cannot be rape, since the slave is his property and thus he has control in such matters over her. Even further, if the slave struggles or does not make him feel good, the slave would be disobedient, and needs punishing.

This is something only said by the most disgusting slavers in the entirety of Tamriel. No proper person could think that a man forcing himself with the full weight of his body onto a woman is not rape. Although I have to admit with some shame that many people in the province of Skyrim hold the view that there is no rape between people married. These views do not hold up to any amount of scrutinity.

Returning to the topic at hand, the belt creates a presence. Chastity belts are, by their nature, and entirely intentional, very tight fitting bonds. Thus, any wearer of such a belt will at any given moment be completely aware of wearing it, it is impossible to ignore or adapt to the pressure the belt puts on one's body. This ongoing awareness of being bound, even in your most intimiate areas, completely undermines any self-confidence one might have; you cannot look someone having this amount of intimate control over you dead in the eye and disobey them.

However, there is another part to this, which I so far only wrote ever so slightly about.

The "attachment", called "plugs" by the smith and shop slaves. It is roughly shaped like the penis of a man, but is attached firmly to the belt. As the belt is locked onto your body, the plug will dig into you. This is not where it ends. These plugs are not just some piece of (cold) steel, rather, they are formed like a cage around a piece of a soulgem. This is to say, they are enchanted, items of magic. From time to time they will not just make their presence known by simply being stuck in you, but they will vibrate, tingle or shock the insides of you. They can create feelings of pleasure, or pain, slight and intense. They can be directed by your superiors for reward or punishment, and even then they will still torture you at random.

A few nights ago, for example, I slept soundly, as I usually do. The plug woke me up with a series of jolts cursing through me, which naturally took me by surprise, I almost screamed (which might have woken someone, incurring punishment). Then it made pleasurous feelings, paused, carried on, repeating this multiple times. Naturally you cannot possibly sleep enduring this. After some time it started to create intense feelings of pleasure, but before I peaked, it sent a powerful, painful shock through me. At this point  I was soaking in sweat and exhausted. This must have had gone on for an hour or more.

This my dear journal is what the belt means. It is total control in every meaning of those words.


---Frostfall, 9th, 4E 201---
My dearest journal, I write these lines bathing in the sun on a warm rock on the lakeshore of Ilinalta, the lake near the Captured Dreams compound. For the first time ever since I was moved to the manor my feet are feeling ground under them, feeling the warm texture of the rock.

Today, after waking, I reported to Master Markus like every other day. Markus however said he has no chores for me, I should talk with Master. She praised the good work I have done (and so voluntarily), and offered me a "change of status"; an offer, so she said, not extended to just anyone. She said I was to regain "most" of my freedoms, could stay in the manor but would not have to work, but could also leave whenever I wanted to. I would have to wear her belt but could also remove it if I have been good. And if she wanted me to do something she'd expect me to do it right there right now, and she'd punish me for bad behaviour. She clearly is not very good at talking to people on a personal level, trying to explain it as "friends with benefits where you do what I say" and "more of a relationship sort of thing". She probably realized that I was perhaps not overly intrigued. So she said that there are other options - I could continue to live as her property and work in the manor day in day out, or if I really wanted it I could get my freedom back, she added, rather reluctantly.

"I'd rather be free."

She seemed saddened that I didn't want to stay, but ultimately she kept her word. Master Markus -finally- removed the belt and the collar from me and a guard brought the chest with *my* items. I packed up, said a few goodbyes and left. It is a beautiful day with the warmth of the sun breaking through the clouds that so often shroud Skyrim. Now I am sitting here under the sun, finally a free woman after so many years, no one commanding me around, no one holding a chain around my neck.

I almost can't believe that this day has come.

It is still early, and I'll have to decide soon what to do and where to go next - a freedom, and a responsibility, that I did not have for most of my life.

Falkreath was nearby and I know there's a shop there and a smith. The town is pretty run down, though, the war has taken a big toll on its people. I offered Lod, the smith, to help around the forge and he was quite impressed with my craft, which I guess I have to thank De'Zra for. Bought some supplies at the store. I asked around in the inn for work, but apart from a bounty nothing showed up, so I'll be on my way to Whiterun which probably has more opportunity for non-killing-people work.


---Frostfall, 11th, 4E 201---
Skyrim has really fallen a lot in the last few years. It was never safe outside the towns, but just on my way from Falkreath to Whiterun I saw a group of Stormcloaks killed in battle near the wayside, a group of Thalmor Justicars (as they call themselves) killing bandits while taking a Stormcloak prisoner somewhere. Then I reached Helgen, and Helgen... is completely destroyed. I have no idea what happened there, I haven't heard anyone talking about it. But some bandits already took the ruins over and chased me through them, luckily I have always been quick on my feet. Just a mile or so beyond Helgen two Dunmer necromancers (I went through their stuff) attacked a huntress.

As I approached the attack I took my bow and fired a three or four arrows at the attackers and hit them. Meanwhile the huntress sought refuge behind a boulder. I cought up to them, to find that one was dead and the other was in his last breaths and died shortly after. I ran to behind the boulder, but the huntress had died from her wounds. The two dunmer used freezing spells on her...

Such killings are just so meaningless. What did they attack her for? The few coins in her pocket? It is just sad to witness these things and being unable to do anything about it.


---Frostfall, 12th, 4E 201---
Arrived in Whiterun late, businesses are closed so I went to the inn (The Bannered Mare, not the Drunken Huntsman) to get food and drink and maybe a place to sleep. Talked with the locals, met Ysolda, a friendly woman about my age. She told me she wants to become a merchant and has been learning from and trading with a Khajit (the cats) caravan, I'm not sure whether the combination is a good idea, but she's very sympathic to me. She mentioned that she wants to get her hands on a Mammoth's Tusk, which is actually one of the items I took from the dead huntress; I could have sold that tusk for maybe 100 coins, but it just felt to give it to her, since it didn't belong to me in the first place. Lets see what tomorrow brings.


(8183 words)


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