I feel terrible when I hurt the feelings of the ones I love and care for. I don’t know why Ivy’s new love relationship with Barbara bothered me. I analyzed my attitude and my feelings about it. No, it wasn’t jealousy. It was the fear that I will lost her. We had a great verbal fight about it. She was hurt hearing the things I said to her.

Ivy is the person who doesn’t lie. Just like Eva. She told me numerous times that she will never leave Eva and me because she loves us enormously and that we are two most important persons in her life. I don’t know why I didn’t believe her. And that hurt her a lot. She cried and said many bad things to me too. It took me a while to accept the fact that Ivy loves Eva and me and that she was serious about her saying how much she loves us. When I realized that, it was too late. Having the flu and being under the high temperature I just made things worst. My disbelieve in her love for me hit her very badly and deeply. Although I apologized to her numerous times afterwards and although she forgave me she was still hurt.

I talked to Eva’s mother, Nada. She listened to me and she advised me how to not to make same mistake in the future. Eva was also angry at me when she came home and she was sharp tongued to me when we talked. Ivy texted to Barbara about breaking up with her in the meantime. Barbara said that she’ll come over today and speak with us. When I heard that she broke up with Barbara we talked again and we had verbal fight again. Fuck! I feel so miserable.

Situation in our home is very messy. Ivy is sad, Eva is angry at me and I feel down. I texted to my boss that I will not come to the work today. I can’t. I feel terrible. Entertaining the guest requires a cheerful and “smiley” character which I’m currently not. Still didn’t get the answer from him. I tried to play Skyrim but my thoughts are with Eva and Ivy. Nada is having serious talk with Ivy right now. Eva is sitting in the kitchen drinking the coffee still being mad at me and I’m fucking mad at myself for being stupid and unreasonable.

Posting this rant made me feel little bit better. I know that situation will settled and come to normal by the time. That’s not the issue. The issue is that I behaved foolish, immature and selfish. I can’t forgive myself. God knows how much I love them both. I wish I will be smarter. Maybe I will one day. Fuck, I’m one dumb asshole.