So... I haven't posted anything in forever... because I haven't made anything in forever. I've gotten word that a couple people actually liked my stuff enough to miss it. I think I owe a more in-depth explanation that my last status update.

Basically, The Sims Resource fucked me over and mildly traumatized me to the point where I was turned off from the game completely. I have PTSD, and unfortunately, this makes me sensitive to even lightly traumatizing things. There are things I can't do because of experiences like nearly drowning and a car crash to simply a joke where a friend shoved me on an escalator to pretend like she was going to push me down. It was all in good fun for her, but now my legs try their hardest to keep me from descending stairs, and I have to fight a mental battle just to get them to move... AND NOW I LIVE ON A THIRD FLOOR APARTMENT.

Now that that's out of the way, here's something also relevant to this story: most of my family is Japanese on my father's side, but my father is only related to them by marriage, meaning his mom married a Japanese man after having some children, and then she and the Japanese man had more children, and they bred like crazy, thus, my dad's side is more Japanese than Caucasian. I spent enough time with them that I adopted the Japanese culture as my own second culture.

I created something to put on TSR. They were Ganguro highlights. You may recognize that word, or these: Gyaru, Yamanba, or Manba. These all describe a type of visual kei fashion where people tan their skin dark, bleach their hair, wear white makeup (eye shadow, highlights, and lipstick) with thick black eyeliner. They also wear bright colors and sort of dress like they're going to Hawaii. But... oh no! Their skin is dark? Their lips are white? Must be BLACK FACE!!

That was TSR's reasoning for removing it. I, naturally, tried to dispute it, but they tried to say it represented racism, even though it does not, and even though I got positive comments, they claimed that people reported it. Now, the way Ganguro tan their skin gives it a very artificial, orange look. I know some people are naturally warm complected, but this tan is very unlike any realistic skin color. Last time I checked, there are no black people with this orange hue. And Ganguro use white, or very lightly colored lipstick... LAST TIME I CHECKED, black people don't have lips that are that drastically pale.

Well, black face isn't a realistic representation anyway, is it? It was used in film long ago, which was black and white, during a time where black people weren't allowed to appear in film. Racist people created a stereotypical look of black people that was even used in cartoons. Well guess what? black people are never actually BLACK. There are very dark shades, but not true black. Guess also what? Their lips aren't a light peach like white people. News flash, lips darken too, and with all skin tones, they can be either lighter than the face skin, or darker. I don't think I've actually seen a black person with lips lighter than their skin unless they use lipstick, which I think looks amazing, as well as light colored hair on dark skinned people. Getting personal here: I don't think the color of your skin dictates what colors you can or can't have on your body.

But the entire point is that GANGURO DOES NOT LOOK LIKE BLACK FACE. Brownish-orange is not jet black, and lipstick is lipstick. This isn't the first Japanese thing to be labeled as racist toward AMERICAN history: Mr. Popo from the Dragonball series and Jynx from Pokemon has fallen victim to it too. Actually, whenever I saw black face in an animation on the internet, I thought it was a reference to Mr. Popo because they also used those round eyes he and Jynx have... which I also don't get why is a stereotype. I just don't understand racism, it makes no sense. Anyway...

I tried my best to reason with this ignorant person about how Ganguro fashion is not racist toward black people, and I offered cites of information to educate her. I was offended because she was acting racist and intolerant of the Japanese. I admit, I got angry; who wouldn't? I asked to speak to someone else, someone who has more authority than her. She gave the finalization that I would not be able to reupload the CC, and if I kept asking about it, I'd be banned.

So I didn't. I stopped talking about it and instead, asked once again, to speak to someone higher up. Next day? I was banned. I did exactly what she said, and I was banned.

I was lucky enough to be able to get unbanned, but I was told by another woman that I accused a "woman of color" of being racist. Oh, so only white people can be racist? It's okay is people with differently colored skin are racist? That's not how it works!! It's just skin, that doesn't change anything! You don't get a free Asshole Pass just because you're not white!

But have you ever been banned from websites where you upload stuff? If you can dispute the ban, your stuff is still up. It's up no matter what, because your account still exists. Sometimes people can still access it, sometimes not. DeviantArt and ModTheSims are like this (but don't even get me fucking started on the fucktard who runs MTS).

But no, TSR is a special kind of asshole. Everything is gone. All my uploads? Gone. My VIP membership THAT I PAID FOR? Gone. Everything in my basket that you can use when you're a VIP? Gone. My comments from people on my page? Gone. I cried when the ban happened many times, and it took me like three months just to get it back. Thinking about it makes me want to cry.

Ever since then, I have not been on the site. I have not downloaded any CC. I only just recently played the vanilla game ONCE, and this whole ordeal happened like six months, maybe more ago. I haven't even opened Blender, I haven't worked on textures, I have done NOTHING Sims related because when I even THINK about it, my throat tightens up and I feel sick. For people who aren't vulnerable to even mild trauma, I know this sounds silly, and it really is, it's stupid, but it's not something I can really control.

I played the vanilla game a month or so ago after someone suggested to ease back into it and play it without mods, but slowly add them back in. I didn't get hooked again, and that made me run away again. The mods. A huge update happened to the game while I was off of it, god only knows what it broke. I have hundreds of thousands of mods and CC, and I have to go through all of them to see what's broken. Not only that, but I have to see which of MY CC broke too. This triggers my anxiety, and I panic, thinking about all the stress and time it will take, and so I'm a turtle going into her shell. I also think of all the cool new CC I'm missing out on, and that doesn't help. I used to love 3D modeling, but it's been so long, I don't think I even remember how Blender works.

I don't know what to do. I want to play again, I want to create again, I want it to bring joy to me again. I put so much time, effort, and money into this game, I can't let it die. I just don't know how to rid myself of these bad memories and this anxiety. The Sims has become a fucking TRIGGER, and I don't want it to be one. I'm even afraid of uploading stuff to TSR again, like I said, I haven't even visited the site.

And the fact that people like my stuff brings on a fresh wave of negative feelings. More anxiety, some guilt, another reminder that I've quit doing something I love... I don't know how to bounce back. I don't know how to get over this. I don't know how to find that joy again.

Anyway, I'll attach the picture that TSR said was soooooo totes racist. Sorry but... it's not black face. Not even close.

Edit: May I mention that I cannot find any Ganguro Sims content anywhere? But let's take a program I used to develop for: IMVU. Number of search results for clothing...

Ganguro: 1,481

Gyaru: 2,625

Yamanba: 218

Manba: 91

"Gyaru" seems to be the more popular modern term.