I have been obsessing over this clown for the last week. Both versions. Skarsgard AND Curry.

It's gotten so bad now that my sleep schedule is back to being messed up again and my mother already got upset at me over it.

At this point, I have watched all four IT movies, the fourth one twice in a row because I missed it the first time due to a very distracting fanfic.

I couldn't help it. It's about a woman that loves to read, works at a library, listens to hard rock, has a cat and falls in love with Pennywise. It literally sounds like

me. I'll link it here since it needs more reads but be warned- it has rated R chapters.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/24301468/chapters/58580593?view_adult=true

I discovered it after joining a Pennywise fans Discord server this weekend when I got talking to one of the fan artists

who shares my same kinks. They were just as surprised as I was about it I think and they said they'd written a fanfic featuring them with Pennywise.

So I said "gimme" and this is the first time I've really enjoyed someone else's fanfic in years. Seriously, the author needs more readers. They told me their descriptions were

inspired by Stephen King but I'd argue they do it better than him. Anyway, so that's been a high for me. I've also spent the last week writing fanfiction myself,

doing fanart/fanskits and playing out my own stupid little self-indulgent AU on Sims 4 using Sims of my OCs and Sims of Tim Curry and Bill Skarsgard... and now, I'm thinking of

writing a fanfic on here under its own category on my LoversLab blog. Maybe I will. All I know right now is that the IT fandom is experiencing some completely dead hours with no one

online, so I'm beyond bored because there's no one to talk to about Pennywise. I'd start a conversation about It with my irl friends who like horror but I can't do that.

Mainly because one of my BFFs is terrified of clowns because she saw IT 1990 when we were kids. I'm afraid she would block me or something if I went on and on about the clown.

I would be so happy right now if I knew I could count on the other Pennywise fans being online in about four or five more hours but I can't. This last weekend

was one giant circus of fun on the Discord with everyone on and I'm severely missing the feeling. I need to crack stupid IT related jokes with someone right now. I need to be swapping

fanfics about Pennywise with someone right now. It's all I can think about and Sims 4 just isn't cutting it because I wanna share my Sims shenanigans but there's no one to share them with.

On another note? I need to learn how to make Discord bots because the Pennywise bot we have in the Dead Lights Discord doesn't have enough commands and responses.

I'd especially like to make one that responds to an "(insert name here)" command like "Christopher likes you"/"Amy likes you"/"Abri likes you" and have It be able to respond like

"Sucks to be (insert name here)."/"(Insert name here) likes me? That's weird."/"I like (insert name here), too.". I'm also interested in making custom food and drinks for Sims 4, as I'd like to make

IT themed food right now in my game as well as food with a general horror theme (i.e. mainly cannibalism dishes, that way I can also use them for my Texas Chainsaw AU). I'm gonna go look up a tutorial for making custom Sims 4 recipes now.

But before I do... Let me show you my new iPhone wallpaper because of all of this tom fuckery of the past week.

Banner image on this blog post created by Red-Flare.

I've cried myself to sleep more times than a person ever should in their life in these past two years. When it was just me and my father, I was totally ignored 24/7 and there was adamant refusal to be supportive of my individual differences such as autism in the household for the first time ever. When dad put something unexpected in my grocery cart during the day or when he shocked me by randomly deciding to change our plans for the day, it was not met with patience or understanding ever. It was met with scolding, yelling, stress and high anxiety until I was tired enough in body to go to sleep and even then, I was never so tired somehow that I couldn't still cry myself to sleep. That level of loneliness hurt so deeply. I never felt it before mom left because she always made sure I was understood, heard fairly, defended when it was right and that I always felt loved and appreciated. Then again though, my new situation has made me realize that perhaps she was only giving me so much time and patience because all she had was time since dad never spent any with her. Now she doesn't have the time that she used to and I'm suffering because I grew up knowing no different from her until now. I keep hoping that it won't be so bad once I am living on my own but everyone here tells me it only gets worse.

My grandmother on mom's side and my mom both had to watch their parents split and experienced everything that I am going through now. They keep telling me that time is the only thing that has a shot at helping me feel better because the painful memories of things like this don't go away. I really don't know what's keeping me together or positive at all anymore. When my friends ask me why I'm so sunshiney to them with my advice on life, I find I no longer have good enough answers to their questions. All I've got now is the hope that things I enjoy will come my way if I continue to hang on and it really doesn't seem like a good enough excuse. The hope that the next day will bring a sale on an interesting new book or something good happening to me on a favorite video game seems to be what is stringing me along and I can't untie myself, which is probably a good thing but it also means I'm along for the ride over all the bumps and rocks as well... and last I checked, my metaphorical body was already covered from head to toe in bumps, scrapes, bruises and a few gashes. I don't need or want any more of them.

I'm learning that the only hope I really have for love is self love and I really shouldn't aim for anything more than that. I'm too broken and difficult to deal with for anyone else to love me. My own mom doesn't even know how to love me anymore and that's a real hard hitter for a person who grew up a "mama's kid". Every time I try to tell her I have some specific need due to trying to recover, I get met with remarks about how I'm a grown adult who can take care of herself or "I did it just fine by myself when I was your age" or "don't be jealous of [boyfriend]" or something else equally unhelpful. As I am typing this right now, mom has told me that because I'm taking too long to finish some CC (I didn't sleep trying to finish it) that her boyfriend now gets my spot on the bed all night tonight and I have no right to come in at 3 am and ask to sleep. But in some ways, that's fine by me.  It's not like I wasn't sleeping alone all week anyway. I won't lie, I cried myself to sleep all this week because like I said, I'm so tired of being all alone when I didn't grow up 100% alone. But out here on the floor or in there on the bed really doesn't make a difference. Either way, I was gonna be all alone, just me and Goofy. I've always been afraid to sleep alone even though I almost always have so I've had "sleep toys" since I was a kid. My current one is a Goofy plush I got at a Disney Store back when they were all still open a few years ago. He's been there for me the most through all of this hell. Do I l need a break from modern livin'? Do I long to shed my weary load? Yes. My nerves are raw and my brain is fried. Every night I grab my Goof and take a ride together out on a lonely road...

All in all, I'd rather have detention. All in all, I'd rather eat a toad. My old man's brain is psycho nuts and I spent most of the last year hurling my guts directly along my lonely road.

Yes, I just used lyrics from A Goofy Movie to express my emotional state. Yes, I really did spend most of the year hurling my actual guts last year. I might have gallbladder issues on top of everything else that has gone wrong in my life. Also, have a screenshot of the absolute worst moment in one of my other top favorite Disney films because I have to post photos that portray how I'm feeling, too.

I hope that one of these day's I'll be able to post some happy emotions!!! But you'll just have to BEAR with me (and my stupid puns) until then...

I was watching a Toy Story marathon today on TV and I realized something very, very sad. At the end of the sequel, Woody and Buzz promise to never leave each other behind as the best of friends. I thought I knew they had done that and my memory was confirmed then. This should be something really happy and at one time, it was. But then came Toy Story 4. Woody pretty much up and leaves Buzz, his BFF/brother from another mother, for Bo. I started to cry. I kind of wish that hadn't happened... I'm too tired of people around me that I love treating me that way to want to deal with watching it happen in my animated stuff, too. So for all the feelings I've been having, I've put up an image of Jessie just missing Emily.

What also seems kind of sucky was that the other night, someone told me that my Texas Chainsaw Massacre main OC was probably in vain. I have only seen the original film plus a few remakes of it and none of the sequels so I didn't know that Jedediah's dad seemed to care so little about continuing the family line. Apparently, he told Jedediah "sex or the saw", indicating that possibly Bubba may have shown attraction to someone at one time??? But he chose the chainsaw because his dad was probably super stern about it... But my OC, Rosette Irving, might still be on the accepted side. I mean, she is also a constant source of human meat whom they're not smart enough to kill. She has a complicated curse put on her that could probably be solved by most people but I wouldn't figure the Sawyers would figure it out so instead, she's just chained to a wall inside Bubba's work room, always waiting to get another limb hacked off while another one grows back.

... Yes. After that thought process, I don't think I have to go with the "family rules". The dad would be glad I think for them to have a permanent source of meat and although he might often remind Bubba that that's all she is, that probably wouldn't stop a few crazy moments from going down... and it most certainly wouldn't get in the way of Anne-Marie and Cain coming around either, I guess. They're a pair of fraternal twins that their grandpa would absolutely NOT be delighted to see. Ever. Initially, it was simply because they don't agree with the family ways but after reading that comment about what he said to Bubba about the saw, I don't even think he'd be happy if he woke up one day and heard a pair of wailings coming from the work room. I'd wager that the only reason they get to stick around would be due to Rosette suddenly hitting fierce mama bear mode. I mean FIERCE.

chair base2.blend

If someone would take a look and tell me exactly what I need to do, that would be great.

Edit:

The mod has been processed and is now online at Mod The Sims!

I'm currently very hungry and need to eat my sushi/sashimi tray before it goes bad but I am also way too mentally fixated on that video to let myself eat. Oh, the problems.

I am internally screaming right now. I have an OC Sim that direly needs this video to exist in her world and I'm at too low of an experience level right now with modding to tackle the issue.

1. I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome when I was 8 and it has led me to have some different quirks that most people don't expect from others.

2. My parents, who were my foundational support while together even when they fought, divorced toward the end of 2019 but due to COVID, the finalization was postponed until August 2020.

3. Despite knowing deep down that my father never accepted my "disability", I chose to stay with him but only because the house he was getting to keep was my home my entire life and I knew no different.

4. I finally left to live with my mother in early August of this year, soon after dad finally got fed up with my issues and tried to kill me with a wooden chair.

5. Instead of being a nice father and allowing me to gather the rest of my stuff from the house and leave, he chose to fight me for it all in a legal battle that cost my mother and him a lot of money for nothing.

6. The things he got away with stealing from me (at least 60 different things) were deeply personal and sentimental to me.

... And one of those things was the Casper candelabra I'd had since I was 2 years old. My mother purchased it for me during a Halloween outing to Walmart that year. 26 years later and he still had no scratches, no fading, no broken lights and his original cord still in perfect working condition. I was so young when I got him that some part of me really came to believe that Halloween couldn't fully arrive for me without him and Halloween is my favorite day of the year. When he was not returned in any of the boxes that my dad put out in the front yard on both occasions that pickup was allowed, I was crushed. I realized that I might have to face Halloween without his cheerful glow for what felt like the first time ever since I do not remember much of Halloween the year before I got him. The epiphany made me way too uncomfortable, so I tried my best to push it aside as much as I could and tried to act like I'd forgotten all about it. However, that was not doable yesterday afternoon. In the middle of watching 31 Days of Halloween on FreeForm, suddenly there was that old familiar Universal Studios logo and that high-pitched, musical howl. I instantly knew what movie was coming on before the cameras even lit up enough to reveal the kids on bikes heading toward Whipstaff Manor with their camera. It felt like my whole world crumbled in that instant and all I could do was yell a single expletive before I broke down in a mound of tears and convulsing sobs. The emotional pain of remembering everything my father had recently put me through by seeing Casper coming on reduced me to that level. Remembering the loss of one of my favorite Halloween pieces reminded me really fast that my father did the things he did from 2019 until this last August. I freaked out. It took me most of the movie to calm myself down.