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Ask A Lemming


Ernest Lemmingway

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While in college I wrote for the school newspaper. One of my columns was "Ask A Lemming" where I answered questions and dispensed (not so) pithy wisdom about life, love, and being a lemming in a human's world. I've decided to resurrect the idea here to share the lessons I've learned as I hurtle towards middle age. Have a question? Don't mind getting an answer from a furry little critter? Ask it here, tabodi.

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1 hour ago, Ernest Lemmingway said:

While in college I wrote for the school newspaper. One of my columns was "Ask A Lemming" where I answered questions and dispensed (not so) pithy wisdom about life, love, and being a lemming in a human's world. I've decided to resurrect the idea here to share the lessons I've learned as I hurtle towards middle age. Have a question? Don't mind getting an answer from a furry little critter? Ask it here, tabodi.

Do lemmings suffer from baldness?

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31 minutes ago, TheWhite said:

Can it be personal to you?

Yes, it can be a personal question.

 

14 minutes ago, P@p@dr1n0 said:

Do lemmings suffer from baldness?

Yes, we do. Humans see us balding and think we have mange! Hey, do I call the cops because some guy is losing the hair on his head...and sprouting out the nose and the ears?

 

Balding is actually worse for lemmings since we don't wear clothes. Or usually don't. My uncle is completely bald from head to toe and now has to wear a shirt and pants. He also loves to use duct tape to fix everything. I prefer to wear a rubber hazmat suit when I use the stuff. Like on those cousins that recently visited.

 

It also takes a while for fur to grow back...if it ever does. I still have a strip of shorter fur where those damn college kids Scotch-taped a firecracker to my butt on New Year's Eve. You can read about that in my Musings, tabodi.

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3 hours ago, TheWhite said:

Okay. :smile: What are your Aspergers symptoms?

Oh, wow. That would take a long time to list fully. When I was first diagnosed I found a British website that listed four or five pages of symptoms in single lines. I ended up highlighting 90% of those when I printed it out for my then-psychologist. Unfortunately I don't have the list and I can't find that site again.

 

A short list is that I fit the stereotype of underdeveloped social skills while my intellectual capabilities came in rather early; I was reading Stephen King's It by third grade (seriously) and could understand the language used and by sixth grade I was reading The Iliad and the Odyssey. I do see things very differently from most everyone else and come to different conclusions; that led me to being the pariah in social groups when I was a kid since I was "different." My intellect also caused problems because I did come across as smarter than my peers. Boys can be such assholes from an early age.

 

An inability to understand "-isms" (racism, sexism, "age-ism," classism, etc.) that I actually appreciate since I see people as individuals first, anything else a distant second. I seem to embody MLK's ideals of judging people by the merits of their character rather than the color of their skin. Or the parts between their legs; that last one has gotten me into trouble with "feminists" who think "equality" really means "preferential treatment" rather than "being treated with the same respect and expectations of ability as everyone else." :classic_sad:

 

Suddenly I'm a very sad lemming. :dissapointed_relieved:

 

EDIT: For a better example, imagine Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory, only much less self-important and co-dependent and with none of the insanely detailed instructions about what to do when I'm in a bad mood.

 

3 hours ago, CPU said:

Oh no!

OhNo.gif

I used to play that game. It always amused me that humans thought lemmings were mindless followers who did whatever the group did. We don't do that, sheeple do.

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What kind of noises do lemmings make? 

 

Specifically when they're in the throes of orgasm?  I'm just trying to be cheerfully crude here, okay?

 

And what kind of noises do they make when they all go over the cliff to their doom?   I mean there's an correlation between sex and death. I'm just trying to discover it, you know?  I mean (Christian Slater voice) there's this rumor of having a heightened desire to screw when you know you're about to die, right?

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2 hours ago, Celedhring said:

What kind of noises do lemmings make? 

 

Specifically when they're in the throes of orgasm?  I'm just trying to be cheerfully crude here, okay?

 

And what kind of noises do they make when they all go over the cliff to their doom?   I mean there's an correlation between sex and death. I'm just trying to discover it, you know?  I mean (Christian Slater voice) there's this rumor of having a heightened desire to screw when you know you're about to die, right?

"Tabodiiiiiiiiiiiiii!" for sex. And we don't go over cliffs; that's a myth that Diz-knee started out of their ignorance. Although there was that time I bungee jumped off a cliff...

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20 minutes ago, TheWhite said:

I find it so interesting. How do your social skills work like today? Has there been a significant change at any point in your life in that area?

The only real changes are learning to keep my mouth shut, watch my verbiage when I do speak, and with women, just listen to and comprehend what they're saying and don't try to fix anything. There are times even on LL when I said something but others misinterpreted what I meant, or I misinterpreted them, and it all turned into a mell of a hess. It's a continual struggle and I tend to react a bit slowly as I consider the specific words, or may take several minutes to write a post even this short as I reconsider what I typed, rewrite parts, or even delete others outright. It's already taken me twenty minutes to write this because I'm so nervous about what I say!

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Bob from Texas wrote today, "Dear Ask A Lemming,

"I'm approaching forty and I've noticed that certain desires are waning. I asked my doctor and he said I need to eat better and exercise. That doesn't seem right to me so I thought I'd get a second opinion. Just in case it helps, I've included a picture of my wife. Does that help?"

 

Well, Bob, I may have to side with the doctor on this. Too often you humans--especially males--start eating nothing but crap and drink nothing that isn't fermented. Then you blame the problem on low testosterone long before andropause sets in. My advice? Do what your doctor says first, stop drinking so much beer, and try getting in shape to see if your desires come back.

 

That said, I guess a look at this pic--OH MY FUCKING GOD! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!

 

:classic_blush: Okay, my new advice? Ignore what I said before, get a bottle of Wild Turkey and a blindfold, and just keep slamming back until the wife looks good. If that doesn't work, you can always take up golf. That seems to work for a lot of middle-aged men as a replacement for their sex drive.

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Mary from LA wrote today, "Dear Ask A Lemming,

"My husband told me he's not planning anything special for Valentine's Day and doesn't expect anything in particular. That's a good thing because he's going to be sleeping on the couch tonight unless he does something. Why do men dislike Valentine's Day so much?"

 

I think the answer lies in what American society has made of this day. Valentine's used to be about mutual romantic gifts. Today it's focused mainly on what guys give the ladies in their life and the idea that if they don't, they're uncaring monsters. If we want to redeem this holiday, then women need to understand that the men in their lives want some romance gestures as well. And not just what happens in the bedroom. Surprise him with a card or gift that shows him you care as well.

 

A (somewhat) good example is what happened to me this morning. My new neighbor, Melissa, a little white mouse (the most intelligent species in the galaxy :grimace:), seems to have a crush on me. But she chose to display her affection in an especially bizarre way. It turns out she's the one who sneaked into my burrow and soaked my nuts in brine. It seems that's the first step in preparing her signature candied pecans. That was sweet, if a little creepy that she broke and entered. She also laid out in clear, absolutely certain terms what she would like from me.

 

That last bit would be a major help when dealing with males of any species. We're simple creatures. Very simple. I think it's because we have to deal with the clash of an X and a Y chromosome rather than having a matching pair that works together well. We're very literal and need to have thing spelled out in words of one syllable or less before we can understand.

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On 31.1.2018 at 4:41 AM, Ernest Lemmingway said:

For a moment, let me reverse things here and ask you human critters something. Like why the obsession with money? What is up with the obsessions over famous people?

I'd like to try and answer that. Because I believe it is the same reason: Their life is lacking something and they think famous people are so lucky and happy because they are rich and therefore, want to be rich too, in order to fill the void inside them.

Also, you need money for all the good shit. I don't need much, but I'd be so happy if I could earn enough money to get a driver's licence. It won't be possible to save enough for that as long as I am a student. I also love to travel to new places and even just getting there costs more than what I can afford, which can be frustrating at times.

 

 

I got a question for you as well: Have you ever met a female Aspie? From what I gathered, they are very different from the boys!

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1 hour ago, BloodberrySmoothie said:

I'd like to try and answer that. Because I believe it is the same reason: Their life is lacking something and they think famous people are so lucky and happy because they are rich and therefore, want to be rich too, in order to fill the void inside them.

Also, you need money for all the good shit. I don't need much, but I'd be so happy if I could earn enough money to get a driver's licence. It won't be possible to save enough for that as long as I am a student. I also love to travel to new places and even just getting there costs more than what I can afford, which can be frustrating at times.

 

 

I got a question for you as well: Have you ever met a female Aspie? From what I gathered, they are very different from the boys!

Thank you for the answer to the first question. The second I can understand if there weren't humans who just want money for its own sake. What good is money by itself when you never use it? You can't eat it and the only use it has besides buying stuff is in the outhouse, though in hindsight I'd never recommend that with a roll of coins.

 

As for your question, unfortunately I haven't. I was diagnosed as an adult and there are no local programs for adults with Asperger's that I can find. Tons for children and teens with it, and the parents thereof. Which seems unfair since so many people are only properly diagnosed when they reach adulthood and the English-speaking world only finally learned about it 20 years ago (whereas the German-speaking world learned about it 72 years ago).

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1 hour ago, Ernest Lemmingway said:

Thank you for the answer to the first question. The second I can understand if there weren't humans who just want money for its own sake. What good is money by itself when you never use it? You can't eat it and the only use it has besides buying stuff is in the outhouse, though in hindsight I'd never recommend that with a roll of coins.

We should learn from the Lemmings and just live without it, I'd say :classic_wink:

 

1 hour ago, Ernest Lemmingway said:

As for your question, unfortunately I haven't. I was diagnosed as an adult and there are no local programs for adults with Asperger's that I can find. Tons for children and teens with it, and the parents thereof. Which seems unfair since so many people are only properly diagnosed when they reach adulthood and the English-speaking world only finally learned about it 20 years ago (whereas the German-speaking world learned about it 72 years ago).

That's probably because our English is so bad, nobody could translate it properly :classic_rolleyes: jk. Medicine is so slow sometimes.

 

I just checked, out of curiousity, and we indeed have a ton of programs for people with Asperger's (mostly for children or their parents though) in the surrounding cities and my city even has one for adults. You learn something new every day^^ I watched a short documentary about women with Asperger's and it is apparently extremely hard to diagnose because their sympthoms are much less obvious than the men's (and even those are easy to overlook), so I was curious.

 

Also, are Lemmings vegans? :classic_biggrin:

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On 2/16/2018 at 4:22 PM, BloodberrySmoothie said:

I watched a short documentary about women with Asperger's and it is apparently extremely hard to diagnose because their sympthoms are much less obvious than the men's (and even those are easy to overlook), so I was curious.

 

Also, are Lemmings vegans? :classic_biggrin:

I can't speak for others, but I'm not vegan. I like meat, I like dairy, and I especially like chicken. Which I can't eat openly around Dave (Dovahchicken) or he goes nuts. Sometimes I just can't help but imagine how he'd taste with a little lemon and garlic, lightly sauteed in a little brown butter with some thyme.

 

...Is anyone else getting hungry?

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  • 2 weeks later...

Debby from New Jersey wrote, "Dear Ask A Lemming,

"What sort of religion or philosophy do lemmings practice?"

 

Most lemmings--in fact, most animals--worship Dog Almighty. Those who believe in Judaism/Christianity/Islam worship the same being, they just spell it backwards and have done so for millennia. Animals don't bother correcting humans because of the species's track record of trying to exterminate those who disagree with them. We just chuckle since we know that when they reach the afterlife they'll learn the truth. Dog Almighty has nothing against cat fanciers, but woe to those who abuse their canine friends by dressing them up in silly little costumes for grins...

 

I personally lean more towards secular lemming-ism. It's similar to secular humanism except that lemmings actually use pure logic. Most of the time. When it's mating season all bets are off!

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On 31.1.2018 at 4:41 AM, Ernest Lemmingway said:

Like why the obsession with money?

Because money is the pavement on the road of freedom ?

If you have just enough money, you can do whatever you want and don't have to fear consequences, besides death obviously...

 

The amount one need differes of course.

If you just want to mod a beth game all you need is the game, a PC and some tools, while a lot of these are free.

 

But if you want to create Fallouts PowerArmor in RL, you need atleast a big garage, tons of tools and machinery and a team doing all the software / coding stuff.

And the materials of course, a single 4/3-way proportional hydraulic valve cost about 800 dollars and i need like... 50 of em.

 

But to not go to far offtopic, do you know how small a nuclear ( fission ) generator can be build ?

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12 hours ago, Vader666 said:

But to not go to far offtopic, do you know how small a nuclear ( fission ) generator can be build ?

Not a clue. I'm a lemming, not an nuclear physicist.

 

10 hours ago, Z0mBieP00Nani said:

You're not feeling suicidal, are you?

Me? No. Not really. Despite the fact the world is a sucking hole, my job has nearly devoured my soul, the cost of such simple pleasures like Tropical Starburst and raspberry-filled powdered donuts keep going up every year, I have an evil rubber chicken constantly whispering dark things in my ear in an effort to gaslight me, and I have relatives coming to visit again! No, I'm as happy as a clam!!

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2 hours ago, TheWhite said:

I'm sorry for bringing this up again. I'm just forever fascinated by this though... if you don't wanna answer then sorry and okay.

How old were you when you were diagnosed with aspergers and what kinda therapies/medications have you needed if any?

I was literally three weeks away from my twenty-third birthday before I was diagnosed. Before that my doctors thought it was just clinical depression and mild OCD. I've tried so many different antidepressants I can barely remember them all, as well as meds for ADHD, chronic insomnia, and generalized anxiety disorder. That's the problem with meds: you literally don't know how they'll work or not work until you start taking them. It can take weeks for any differences to show and the side effects can be horrible. Or they may make the things they're supposed to help worse. To this day I still tell people who ask not to use psychiatric medication--on themselves and especially on kids--until every other possible solution has been exhausted. I currently take five prescription medications as well as OTC melatonin (sleep hormone) pills. In my case, each one has proven necessary. I'm middle-aged and I'm not even 40 yet.

 

As for therapy, there's been anxiety management, talk therapy, and now Eye Movement Desensitization and Re-association (EMDR) Therapy. The latter is actually used in treating post-traumatic stress. Growing up as the perpetual outcast from my peers at school and in the neighborhood was not all that different emotionally from being in a war zone. You never knew who your enemies were, when they would attack, or why. I'd rather not talk about that except to say that some of us don't "just get over it."

 

I've looked for thirteen years for groups that specialize in adults with Asperger's, but even back in '04 a lot of professionals were getting out of working with adults and the pickings are now slim to nonexistent where I live. So I've not had any therapy specific to Asperger's syndrome. Most of my life I didn't even know I had any problems or special needs. That's one of the aspects about Asperger's that makes it so hard to properly diagnose: aspies can and do develop ways of working around mental hurdles that might otherwise indicate a problem.

 

I'm a very visual learner, for example, and written text or spoken speech doesn't fully sink in. Images and videos are much more effective, and hands-on ("tactile") learning is the quickest way I learn things. When I hear about how something is done I can sort of imagine how to do it, but when I get the chance to try it myself and actually do it I learn at record speeds. Every class I had--with the exception of algebra and other abstract mathematics--I was slow on the initial lessons, but once I understood how to do something I caught up with and then exceeded the class. Nobody--even myself--knew that was an issue. It also didn't help that I learned at an early age not to ask for help since it drew derision from my peers and I've got this stubborn pride thing about "figuring it out myself" that I still struggle with. Now throw in the ADHD; wild horses can't keep me focused on something I find dull or boring. Yet the things I am interested in can keep my focus for hours and I remember facts decades afterwards.

 

One other, all too common, type of medication for aspies is stomach-related. Scientists aren't sure why, but many aspies have issues like acid reflux or chronic gastritis. It's a real chicken-and-egg question: does Asperger's trigger these problems or do these problems aggravate the Asperger's? Current research seems to say it might well be both. The chemicals produced in the digestive system can and do penetrate the blood-brain barrier and no one is completely sure what effects they have on the brain. Or if they're doing exactly what they're supposed to be doing.

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16 hours ago, TheWhite said:

I have every kind of anxiety imaginable, except social so that has made me doubt me having asperger's. But I think I'm just generally antisocial but no actual difficulties with it.

Social anxiety isn't a symptom of Asperger's. Stunted social skills, such as the ability to read subtle body language, is. In my case the social anxiety comes from my experiences from my male peers growing up. Young to teenage boys do not tolerate those who aren't like them and love to marginalize them. The girls were always more tolerant and I prefer female company.

 

But yeah, I'm rather asocial as well. Don't enjoy "small talk," don't really understand the need for endless social niceties, and I'm rather honest (other say "blunt") in my opinions without understanding how that will make others feel unless someone points it out for me.

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