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Love and Hate- Why do so Many People feel BOTH for Each Other?


KoolHndLuke

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I can't count how many people- including myself- have felt both love and hate for another person in a relationship. How is this fuckin' possible? It doesn't make any fucking sense at all! It always starts with one "hurting" the other's feelings about something and then builds up from there like it's some battle in the war that you are storing ammunition for. Then it all comes pouring out at some point- every damn thing they and you have ever done to each other. You can take the coolest, most professional person or whatever and think nothing can affect this person....until you start digging into their past relationships.

 

 I just started thinking about this a couple days ago when I was in court with a friend about a custody case he had. They were ALL custody cases that day, and man let me tell you that I don't think anything brings people's blood to a fucking boil quite like fighting over custody of their kids. The things that I heard in and out of that court room would make most people want to crawl deep into a dark hole somewhere and never come out again. On and on, case after case, I kept thinking "Did these people ever care about each other?". The stupid thing is.........that I think some of them still do even while they are yelling the loudest, ugliest insults at each other.

 

But how do so many people who are supposed to be in love end up fucking hating each other? Not just that, but, the very things that they used to love about the other person....Now, are exactly what they hate!!!!!! MADNESS!!!! At what point should we be able to say that shit just didn't work out and leave it at that?

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The brain regions responsible for love and hate share the same areas, at least in part. Which means that a person you love is very similar to a person you hate, from a neurological perspective. There's also the misconception that the human brain and mind is a monolothic entity when in reality it's a clusterfuck of different subroutines or -personalities vying for dominance. Which explains conflicting feelings, especially when said feelings share some brain regions with each other. Think of a short circuit, if you will, only that this is the modus operandi for our brains and not the exception

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28 minutes ago, GrimReaper said:

Think of a short circuit, if you will, only that this is the modus operandi for our brains and not the exception

Not really buying that since every single person in a relationship or otherwise can point to reasons for why they feel they way they do about others. You don't just wake up one day hating or loving someone because of a "brain fart"- it has everything to do with causality, don't you think?

 

Where do the strong emotions come from in the first place? Some people seem to hate each other much more than they ever loved- like my grandparents and parents. When the hate sets in, It seems like a constant, perpetual game of one upping the other until there is nothing else left. So consumed by their hatred for each other, that I've seen people influence and use their friends, family, kids against each other over and over dragging everyone down with them. I've seen whole families destroyed over two former (married) lover's hatred for each other- including my own. Is this human nature or something else?

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i think its about the highs and lows.

all the lows make the highs feel even more intense and satisfying.

i cant really give an example about an interpersonal situation, but i felt like that when playing mw2(a video game).

getting my streak ruined by a camping insta kill shotgun noob or generally by most the overpowered weapons in that game (which was plenty of) was really infuriating.

on the other hand, destroying the whole enemy team by myself felt even more satisfying because i know i outplayed all this bullshit they threw at me.

also being this almighty god becomes kind of boring and dull after a while. (because lack of emotions)

hitting a wall might be frustrating when unfair mechanics are in place, but by throwing a tantrum at a video game helped me with coping stress.

i guess the same applies in these types of relationships.

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9 minutes ago, KoolHndLuke said:

Not really buying that since every single person in a relationship or otherwise can point to reasons for why they feel they way they do about others. You don't just wake up one day hating or loving someone because of a "brain fart"- it has everything to do with causality, don't you think?

The left hemisphere is pretty nifty in coming up with convincing explanations. This is most obvious in split brain patients - when you tell the right hemisphere to pick up an object via a prompt on a screen, say a rubik's cube, and hand it over to the other hand (that is controlled by the left hemisphere) and ask the patient why they picked up that particular item they'll respond with something like 'oh I always wanted to solve one of these'.

 

I'm not saying that the human brain operates randomly, I'm just saying it's a mess. A mess that has built-in safety measures against itself in case things get too messy.

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23 minutes ago, GrimReaper said:

A mess that has built-in safety measures against itself in case things get too messy.

How do you mean? Like protecting your self image or something? So you will fight to preserve it? Then two people keep upping the ante to win.....what and at what cost? Like I said, love- and hate in particular- seem more like insanity. Have you ever heard two people saying over and over to each other "I love you more!"?

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9 minutes ago, KoolHndLuke said:

How do you mean? Like protecting your self image or something? So you will fight to preserve it? Then two people keep upping the ante to win.....what and at what cost? Like I said, love- and hate in particular- seem more like insanity. Have you ever heard two people saying over and over to each other "I love you more!"?

I mean that there's mechanisms in place that fill in the gaps whenever there are conflicting feelings or inaccurate/defective informations to make it seem that there's no problem. One of these mechanisms can be temporarily disabled by pouring cold water into your left ear, I kid you not. For whatever reason, this procedure makes people much more rational than usual and even cures anosognosia - for a time.

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1 hour ago, KoolHndLuke said:

So, you would say that venting your frustrations on loved ones is maybe part of a "healthy" relationship? I mean when you think they are at fault. I can sorta see that.

i would say it depends on how consensual the fights are and the type of person.

if its one sided and it turns in to a abusive relationship its a bad thing.

if both partners live from the highs and lows its fine i suppose, as long the children doesnt have to suffer from it.

same goes with bdsm.

if one likes being sub and the other dom, or lets say both are switch and everything is consensual there isnt anything wrong with "humiliation".

it is also hard, if not near impossible to find a "perfect" partner.

theres always going to be some sort of conflict.

expectations, communication and behavior will shape conflicts in certain ways.

 

i personally hate being yelled at (in serious situations)

in order to prevent me from yelling and starting this whole cycle of negativity i will find other ways to vent it.

communication is an important aspect. knowing how to solve and or even prevent issues in ways that both partners are somewhat happy is the real challenge.

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I love her because she gives me rum/ snugglewumps/ warm glowy feelings/ doesn't snore/ can speak and communicate with people so I don't have to/ does this weird thingy with her toungue that makes me giggle.

I hate her because she makes godawful coffee/ puts my bike keys in stupid places at the most inconvieniant times/ her cooking is probably a thinly veiled attempt at posioning me/ won't let me buy a snekk.

 

From my observations of other people I seem to be lucky in my list of hates and gripes.

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Guess you're actually just talking about dislikes and how we usually handle that in a relationship compared to likes.

We simply don't hate what we love or love what we hate, that's an oxymoron. Yet we sometimes think in different

timelines, the then and now. Doubt that we hate ex-partners when we remember the days before the collapse, when

we still loved 'em so much. At least not when we don't suffer from long-term memory loss...

 

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1 hour ago, Jazzman said:

We simply don't hate what we love or love what we hate, that's an oxymoron

Since when do people only feel one strong emotion for another? It is always a mix of several or more with one just being stronger at any given time. I've seen people try to kill each other in relationships and turn around hours later and apologize and tell each other "I love you". More battered women than I care to try and count can attest to this type of love/hate.

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34 minutes ago, KoolHndLuke said:

Since when do people only feel one strong emotion for another? It is always a mix of several or more with one just being stronger at any given time. I've seen people try to kill each other in relationships and turn around hours later and apologize and tell each other "I love you". More battered women than I care to try and count can attest to this type of love/hate.

Actually you are asking the question of all questions - what is love? What hate is is far clearer - the absence of any love, the abyss of dislikes, the like-free zone.

Imo love is the denial of (minor) dislikes by various reasons. The grand illusion I as loving mother will eventually face with all its might when mi son goes through puberty...

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It happens often that people simply evoke strong emotions in each other - lovers especially.  One thing that's interesting about how humans experience emotions is that the event comes first, then you get queues from somewhere about how to interpret the event, then you experience an emotion.  What emotion you experience you could be forgiven for believing comes from the event, but in fact it very often comes from the queues.

 

For example -  I stomp on your foot.  It hurts, but for a moment your brain is taking in information and deciding what to do.  If you are surrounded by friends who are smiling, applauding and laughing, you will probably blush and laugh and find this all very funny.  Good joke.  But if your freinds are covering their mouths and I am looking at you with an angry glare you will feel anger rather than mirth.

 

So, I think this also has something to do with part of this emotional duality you are asking about - the part about how a quality can be good one minute and bad the next.  Since the same events can appear to have very different characters depending on the surroundings and perspective, I believe those same qualities you love can very quickly appear repulsive when you change your emotional surroundings.  Your whole relationship can wear a different costume, and look like a whole different relationship from one day to the next, yet the shape is the same underneath.

 

As far as the rest - how is it you can both love and hate a person in the same instant?  I need to be on something to answer that one I think.  Sadly not legal where I live

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11 minutes ago, shencereys said:

It happens often that people simply evoke strong emotions in each other - lovers especially.  One thing that's interesting about how humans experience emotions is that the event comes first, then you get queues from somewhere about how to interpret the event, then you experience an emotion.  What emotion you experience you could be forgiven for believing comes from the event, but in fact it very often comes from the queues.

 

For example -  I stomp on your foot.  It hurts, but for a moment your brain is taking in information and deciding what to do.  If you are surrounded by friends who are smiling, applauding and laughing, you will probably blush and laugh and find this all very funny.  Good joke.  But if your freinds are covering their mouths and I am looking at you with an angry glare you will feel anger rather than mirth.

 

So, I think this also has something to do with part of this emotional duality you are asking about - the part about how a quality can be good one minute and bad the next.  Since the same events can appear to have very different characters depending on the surroundings and perspective, I believe those same qualities you love can very quickly appear repulsive when you change your emotional surroundings.  Your whole relationship can wear a different costume, and look like a whole different relationship from one day to the next, yet the shape is the same underneath.

 

You think it has much to do with peer pressure? I totally get that. I think two people can have a much better chance of being happy together with little or no outside influence- like on a deserted island somewhere. But, then I don't care much for people and their mostly negative opinions anyway. Many others do I think.

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14 minutes ago, KoolHndLuke said:

You think it has much to do with peer pressure? I totally get that. I think two people can have a much better chance of being happy together with little or no outside influence- like on a deserted island somewhere. But, then I don't care much for people and their mostly negative opinions anyway. Many others do I think.

Oh, yeah I suppose what I said might look like that!  But I didn't mean peer pressure - I just used people's faces and expressions in my example because its easy to visualize, which made it kind of a bad example, in retrospect.  

 

You could get queues from all kinds of things - context, surroundings, your emotions just 2 seconds ago etc.  That's what I meant.  Could be from anything.  Social influence / Peer pressure is in a way a part of what I'm talking about.  The whole phenomenon has a name but it's escaping me right now and my classes were years ago.

 

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Custody battles no one wants to lose. its a matter of perspective. yes they could have loved each other in the past but as you can see it is the past. now they hate each other. real problem is they are not really the once that suffer but the children are.

 

The real thing is nothing is never easy. maybe one of them cheated or some other thing happenend.. And they are trying to project that hate on eachother now.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I think many people get those 2 words seriously confused and mixed up, even misinterpreted. Both are extremely powerful emotions on the absolute opposites of the spectrum of mixed emotions they influence. This means you cannot hate to love, or Love to Hate. Instead often what you really feel is fear/dislike/mistrust/disbelieve/deny self (all confused with Hate, as the general term but really not the underlining feeling or emotion) to Love. Just as some  enjoy/like/trust/believe in/find easier (all again confused with Love, again as a general term, and again Love is not really the underlining feeling or emotion) to Hate.

 

Often Love and Hate declared are shields against harder things to face within ones self.

 

Love and Hate towards others can be as varied and rare as there are people in ones life, influenced by just as various levels of both. True Love, True Hate even rarer and by far both as equally scary for most. That level of either many, even myself find hard to believe or even comprehend. While others seem to have it and not even realize it.

 

Science can objectify these emotions as much as they want, but believe me be it "the Brain", "Spiritual", "Metaphysical" or whatever the 100's maybe 1000's of definitions, all of them combined are nothing compared to the real thing, which goes beyond words of comprehension.

 

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34 minutes ago, DarksideTinkerbell said:

all of them combined are nothing compared to the real thing, which goes beyond words of comprehension.

If they're not expressed in words, then how? Through sex or a person's actions in general? I walk around with a swirl of emotions every day and it is both good and bad ones. Unfortunately, everybody that meets me (when I'm not forcing a smile) thinks I am mad about something when I'm really not. If I take some prescription drugs like sedatives, it really helps to mellow me out and then all those emotions are just gone- I can think more clearly and interact with people just fine because I don't give a fuck. I LOVE DRUGS!!!!! :love:

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9 hours ago, KoolHndLuke said:

If they're not expressed in words, then how?

 

Words are not the only tool in a persons vocabulary, there is body language, expression, and action as well. A small note on sex, that is often confused with love, "if I am having sex with them I must love them", this is not really true (yes maybe for some they feel that way, they must love a person to allow sex). If it was needed to "prove" love, then I for example have loved a lot, which I know is not true, I have felt sexually attracted (ok lust) a lot to many though. If you use sex as a proof of emotion sort of thing, then break that down; sex in its natural form is to create (procreate the race) then if that is needed what is needed to prove hate? the opposite of sex? would that then mean to prove hate one would have to take life? For some this is true in Hate Crimes, just as for some the only reason they would kill is if they Hated a person enough to want to kill them. (That sounds like "I can only have sex if I love them").

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