I will answer point by point, I don't have the 100% of everything but I would say 80 - 90%.
1. For the cum settings you can install Cumshot, it has more setttings to tweak (Amount, Trigger, Multiple types of cum) make sure you read each setting description to know what you are doing.
2. About the Arousal I don't rly know if SL Aroused has any settings for that, but I'm sure with Cumshot settings you can recreate what you want.
3. About the animations you are right, you just need to disable the vaginal animations on SL Animation Loader or disable the tags in SL Defeat (but if you do it on Defeat those animations will still trigger on different cases cause they are still active, also non tagged/bad tagged animations will also play).
4. The easiest way to be a dickgirl/femboy/tomboy is make a flat girl and add any addon you want, there is also some races for that but I never tried them so I don't know if it's easier that way. You just need a body (CBBE,UNP yara yara) and SoS of Skyrim + the Addons (different type of cocks) some have sliders like CBBE so you can make them as you want. EvilReFlex made a very high quality Addons so I recommend to check out his/her files.
Make sure to check the description of the settings of each mod in the MCM (mod menu in game) so you dont miss anything.
If you need any help/questions you can PM or Discord me.