Sheogorath:  Good Evening Mortals!  I am Sheogorath: The “Gentleman With a Cane”, “Sovereign of the Shivering Isles”, “Lord of the Never-There”, and last but CERTAINLY not least...Daedric Prince of Madness.  You may be asking yourself, Why is such a regal lord sitting on a throne inside of a Glacier? I’ll tell you… TO UNDERSTAND THE MADNESS OF THE HOLIDAYS!

 

 

Sheogorath:  Every year, mortals drive themselves mad trying to buy gifts for each other, only to re-gift them months or years later.  IT’S INSANE. I’ll be this Ol’ Nick fellow is mad as a hatter! Luckily, I know a thing or two about Madness. Hehehe...I’ve spent 3 months inside of this cave and not once have I thought...it’d be fun to give mortals gifts.  I think this has been a waste of time. WHAT’S THAT WABBAJACK? You say I should go out and try it for myself?

 

 

Sheogorath:  WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM?  Made of Money?! I couldn’t possibly buy meaningful presents for EVERYONE...COULD I?  Actually, I probably could...AND I WILL! Oh, You’ll do it, Wabbajack? Perfect, just wait right here.  WHY? Because if you’re going to do something you’ve got to do it RIGHT…

 

 

Sheogorath:  MEET SANTA-GORATH:  Daedric Prince of Giving Presents.  What do you mean my shirt’s the wrong color?  No Matter! Come Wabbajack let us spread cheer and madness and presents AND CHEESE!

 

 

 

 

*Daedric Portal Noises*

 

 

Santa-gorath:  HO! HO! HO! MERRY...oh right...she’s not supposed to know I’m here.  This is like reverse burglary! I come here and leave more stuff than they ever wanted or knew they needed.  Ha! Ok, Wabbajack who do we have here?

 

 

Santa-gorath:  A mage who spends most of her time teasing than actually doing magic?  What else she do? Oh, so she recent fought a Dragon Priest… HER SECOND?  Pfft, not impressed, those dried up dragon mongers haven’t had a good idea in years!  Ok Wabbajack, do you thing…

 

Santa-gorath leveled the Wabbajack.  Before the spell could be conjured, 2 Roses formed a barrier between Santa-gorath and the young mage.  A Black Rose Hissed angrily at the jolly daedric prince.

 

 

Santa-gorath:  Well I’ll be… a Black Rose. I thought your kind never left the Misty Grove?  

 

Angry Black Rose hissing

 

Santa-gorath:  Yes, I see. It would make that old leech angry if I did anything to his favorite concubine…

 

 

More Angry Black Rose hissing

 

Santa-gorath:  RIGHT! Right! Forget I said anything...WAIT!  Remember it. I don’t want to forget it…

 

Slower, inquisitive Black Rose hissing

 

Santa-gorath:  I’m here to give your Owner a gift as I am SANTA-GORATH! Will you let me give my gift now?

 

 

Dejecting Black Rose hissing

 

Santa-gorath:  I will NOT put my gift up there… but if she doesn’t want it I might as well just leave.  SIKE NOW WABBAJACK! HOHOHO!

 

The Wabbajack’s spell hit Adrea where she lay.  Before the Black Rose could respond to Santa-gorath, he was away in *pop* leaving, it by itself, floating next to the bed.   

 

 

Adrea (sleepy):  Black...Rose…? What are you doing here?  What was that popping noise earlier? And Why do I feel a little cooler?  

 

Adrea looked down and saw her new “outfit”

 

 

Adrea:  I know I didn’t go to bed wearing this… Black Rose did you do this?  

 

Concerned Black Rose Hissing

 

Adrea:  What do you mean, Do I feel the slow creep of insanity closing in on me?  I don’t think so? I’m just super confused about where my pyjamas went.   

 

Motherly Black Rose Hissing

 

Adrea:  Okay, Okay.  I’ll stand up and let you have a look at me.  All this fuss over a new outfit…

 

 

The Black Rose spun around Adrea, frantically scanning for any lingering effects from the Wabbajack.  It found none other than the scant outfit Adrea was now wearing.

 

Relieved Black Rose Hissing

 

Adrea:  Oh! I get it...they’re like sepals to cover my buds!  It’s like we’re taking the whole Rose-Flower metaphor thing to the next level.  *GASP* Is this the new Black Rose Overdrive outfit?! With some work, I think I can get behind this!  Come on, Let’s look at footwear!

 

Defeated Black Rose Hissing

 

 

 

 

 

 

*Daedric Portal Noises*

 

Santa-gorath:  Sheogorath: One, Sanguine: Zero!  Take that you overgrown sentient flower!  The Daedric Lord of Madness will never let a staff tell him what to do!

 

 

Santa-gorath:  Who is this mortal and what should I do?  AHH! She’s an out of towner. From where? ...OH! She’s Really lost then isn’t she?  Well, Wabbajack, do you know what she wants for the holidays? NO!?!? Fine…

 

 

Santa-gorath:  Hmmm, She looks like she’s shivering.  It’s to be expected in these northern temperatures.  Also…*sniff*...I smell…*sniff*...malachite. Cheap elven glass they parade around in as armor.  

 

 

Santa-gorath:  Well, Santa-gorath can do MUCH BETTER than that!  Wabbajack, do your thing!

 

The magic collided with the woman and transfigured her for a moment.

 

 

Santa-gorath:  NOW THAT’S REAL GLASS!  Oooh, and it’s enchanted too!  That ought to keep her toasty for a while.  But I think she need something a bit more… WABBAJACK. LEAVE A CHEESE PLATE and let’s move on to the next one.  

 

 

Aurora awoke a few minutes later

 

Aurora:  So...warm… Wow, these are some pretty shoes.  Also, that’s a lot of cheese over there. Did Hulda give me these things?  She’s probably trying to gain my favor for when I go in front of the Jarl before the next harvest festival.  But these are so nice, I have to go down and thank her.

 

 

Aurora:  Hulda, this is really too much!  These heels and all that cheese. It’s something that would make any girl feel like a princess.  If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were trying to seduc…

 

 

It was then Aurora noticed the Tavern filled with revelers and townspeople celebrating the holiday.  That was also the same time she noticed, she wasn’t wearing much more than a smile and a pair of glass heels.  

 

Hulda:  Aurora dear, I don’t know what you’re talking about.  But, please, put some clothes on. You’ll catch cold.

 

 

Aurora wasn’t sure if it was the roaring fire or her shame, but she wasn’t cold at all.  She quickly covered herself.

 

Aurora:  Right… it is...cold...here.  I...should...go back upstairs...and put my clothes on.  

 

Aurora quickly ran back upstairs into her room.  

 

Hulda:  Saadia, dear, please take our guest a bowl of stew and make sure she eats it.  She’s exhibiting hypothermia, typical southerner.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Santa-gorath:  OK! Now that we’ve got that shirt debacle sorted out, we’ve got to fly through these last few mortals.  We’ve got two down and there are...carry the 3...move the decimal 5 places...we’re less than 1% done spreading insanity.  With over half the night gone already. AAAAH, we’ve got this in the bag. Tell me about this Mortal, Wabbajack.

 

 

Santa-gorath:  A noble warrior who runs a school and never takes a day to herself?  How does she look so put together all the time? What about time for fun?  This mortal probably has a really dull life. WHAT?!?! Not that dull? Well why didn’t you say so?  Let’s move on! Oh right, let’s just leave her present with a note. Go Wabbajack!

 

 

zzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZRRRRRTTTTTTT!!!!

 

Celena:  ohhh...ahhhh...hahhh...AAHHH!  

 

 

Celena (panting):  What the…*gasp*...hell are these things.  I can’t get them off and they’re driving me insane! If I don’t take them off soon, I’m going to...hhhrrghh.  What’s this box, there’s a note on it?

 

 

Celena:  “Dear Mortal, You’re probably wondering why you have a device attached to your limbs.  And why those devices have a wire attached from it to those pink beads. You’re also probably wondering why those pink beads are vibrating like crazy on your most sensitive spots.  Well, all work and no play makes a girl’s day dull and those pink vibrating beads make sure you get to enjoy both work AND play! If you ever WANT to get them off you just use the item in the box.  Don’t stop till you hit the O. Sincerely, Your Friend… WJ.” ….Who the hell is Wjjjjaaaayyyaahhh! I gotta get these off.

 

 

Celena:  Ok, Celena...you can do this.  This is just like that one time you lost a bet to Mikayla at the inn or that other time with the cucumber…

 

 

Celena:  But at least then, I knew where that cucumber had been.  This is gross, I don’t know where it’s been…It’s pretty big...and...and aaaAaaaaAAAAHhh…. I didn’t have these pink things strapped to me.  

 

 

Celena:  Ok, Ok, Ok,  we’re just going to eeeeease, into it, nice and sloooooohhhh!

 

 

Celena: Aaaah, It fits so perfectly...This is...surprisingly...hot!

 

 

Celena:  OH my Gods!  It’s so good, so good, WHY haven't I done this sooner?   

 

Sometime later

 

 

Celena:  oooooOOOOOOHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

 

 

 

Celena basked in her afterglow, ripping off her pink tormentors and throwing the dildo behind her.  It didn’t take her long before…

 

Celena:  Did you all enjoy the show?  

 

 

Blade 1:  Master Celena, we came when we heard screaming…

 

Celena:  Screaming was it?

 

Blade 2: Well, it was more like moaning.

 

Celena: I bet you liked that didn’t you?

 

 

Celena:  In fact, I bet it was all just a big game to all 3 of you wasn’t it?  

 

Blade 3:  No Ma’am! We came to see if you were alright, then…

 

Celena:  Then you just happened upon me in that lewd state, went out, grabbed your 2 buddies and enjoyed the show?  

 

Blade 1&3: No Ma’am!

 

Blade 2:  Yes Ma’am!

 

Celena:  Well I’m glad you 3 enjoyed your little prank.  I wonder if you’re ready to face the consequences for it...

 

Blade 1:  We didn’t pull this prank Ma’am!

 

Celena:  Didn’t pull this prank?  Are you suggesting that someone else snuck in under your watch and did this to me?

 

Blade 1, 2, & 3:  Yes Ma’am!

 

Celena:  Very well, you have until tomorrow morning to find them, or else, you will suffer the consequences for their actions...

 

 

 

 

 

 

Felicia:  Nice and easy now...no need to rush it, just going to stick him and…

 

 

Santa-gorath:  HO! HO! HO! Merry...Wait? What’s this holiday again?  Too Many stops, is it even the same night anymore?

 

Felicia:  OH SHIT! Gotta sneak back…

 

 

Khajiit:  Santa...is that you?  

 

Santa-gorath:  Why YES it is my giant feline friend.  How nice it is to be recognized. Tell me what can I get you this holiday?  

 

Khajiit:  I want a festive cabin in the woods away from this lot of bandits, and a present to warm my bed.

 

Santa-gorath:  Well, let’s see what the Wabbajack has to say about all that…

 

 

The Khajiit disappeared in a *poof*

 

Felicia backed away from the scene further back into the depths, when…

 

Santa-gorath:  And just where do you think you’re going Lass?

 

Felicia:  I’m just leaving, honestly, it was a mistake that I was here.

 

Santa-gorath:  Nonsense! Your night’s just getting started!

 

Felicia: Just...getting started?

 

Santa-gorath:  You’re the gift!

 

*poof*

 

 

Felicia:  God...dammit

 

 

Khajiit:  That human delivered on his promise.  This one is a bit disappointed that the gift is not khajiit, but, you’ll do.  You are the gift, correct?

 

Felicia fumbled around for her dagger but it was not to be found...she did the only thing she could do...improvise.

 

 

Felicia:  Of Course I’m the present!  Look at me! I’m wrapped up like one so you can have the pleasure of unwrapping me.  

 

Khajiit:  Khajiit, wonders if this one will pleasure him as well as a khajiit female could.  

 

Felicia:  Baby, I’m SO much better than a female khajiit. It’ll blow your mind...  

 

Khajiit:  Splendid, start with fellatio then we’ll move onto kitty style.  

 

 

Felicia:  So Forward, I like a cat who can tell me what to do…

 

Khajiit:  Do not call me cat, I am Khajiit.  Leader of Bandit troop. You may call me, Ji’ssa

 

 

Felicia:  My Ji’ssa, what a large penis you have… I can’t wait until I get to ride it.

 

Ji’ssa:  Do not get ahead of yourself, gift.  First you must suck, then we’ll move on to the bed.

 

 

Ji’ssa:  How disappointing, use more tongue like Khajiit female!  Seriously, how do fur-less males climax to such stimulation?  They miss out on finer things in life…

 

 

Ji’ssa:  Your fellatio was disappointing, gift.  But your body does not disappoint! Perhaps your real value lies in love making?  

 

Felicia:  Perhaps, but I really need someone to help start the engine.  

 

Ji’ssa:  Ji’ssa have magic hands, yes.  He will get you ready.

 

 

Felicia: Ji’ssa, you certainly don’t waste any time!

 

Ji’ssa:  Khajiit wants to make the most of this opportunity.  Much alone time, Khajiit has had lately.

 

 

Ji’ssa:  Gift, your hole is amazing!  Ji’ssa can’t remember the last time he came so much…

 

Felicia: Well, I suppose that is high praise coming from you… but you should keep going.  I’m feeling a little unsatisfied.

 

Ji’ssa:  Very well, I’ll show you how I make female khajiit purr.

 

 

Felicia:  OOOoooh My Gods!  Right there, right there.  Yes...YEEEAASSS!!

 

Ji’ssa:  Such a strange purr these hairless females make.  Khajiit Females are much more dignified.

 

 

Ji’ssa:  That was excellent, Gift.  I’m going to go take a leak and then we’ll try other positions.  

 

 

Felicia:  Other positions...huh?  I wonder if I should…

 

 

Ji’ssa ACK! No!...This one was having such a good night….bleh.

 

 

Felicia:  Here’s a new position for you, Cat. Ho, Ho, Ho…

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sheogorath:  You know what Wabbajack?  I’ve noticed something as we spread cheer over this long night.  First of all, doing someone else’s job is Maddening! It was delightful!  Secondly, I’ve noticed that you’ve changed… Much Less Cheese much more sexual favors… So either, the Wabbajack has turned over a new leaf or it’s not the Wabbajack at all!

 

 

Sheogorath:  It’s the Wannajack!  My favorite staff for sexually frustrating people into madness.  Wannajack, why do you impersonate the Wabbajack? Was it because I don’t ask for your opinion on things as much?  FOR GOOD REASON! You’re a broken record. Everything you say is predictable! And broken things should be left behind…

 

 

Sheogorath:   Like in this Giant Rock formation.  You’ll stay here for 10,000 Years and not a day shorter...unless I come back before then.  Because we had some fun tonight, but I dislike Deception. JUST KIDDING. I adore it. Regardless, be a good phallic symbol and don’t move from your podium.  I’ll send someone to come for you when the time’s right. HO! HO! HO! Wannajack!