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Wounds that bleeds a lot and heals slow


Evaloves4

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My Ivy and me, our parents and friends got our Prince back, but it wasn’t Prince that used to be. Yes, he socialized with others, participated in conversations, laughed when something was funny, but my Ivy and I saw him in “new edition”. It was our Prince and yet, he wasn’t. We didn’t force any conversation about his change, but we found out and identified the cause.

 

 

Those of you who follows my diaries knows how many times I said that my Prince, besides being unique and different, has oversensitive conciseness. We have noticed that he kept very strong and sharp distance from female workers. No, he wasn’t impolite and rude, rather emotionally cold and reserved. Being raised to always keep his word, be honest and sincere, face with his failures and accept consequences was very normal to him. It was the “blueprint” his father left in him. Some of you, like @Jayomms, @dharvinia and others wisely said that he should (learn) to forgive himself, forget the past and go on, but he is the person who can’t do it easily, especially if he hurt and disappointed someone; the people he loves and cares about. Good relationships and friendships are sacred to him and he will do anything and everything to protect it and keep it, but when he fails he is most miserable and saddest person on the globe. Yes, the failure with gypsy lady left deep painful scar on his heart. Although my boss wasn’t angry a bit at him and he didn’t resent him for failing, my Prince was disappointed in himself anyway. He gave the “I won’t fail you” word to boss, and he failed. Breaking the promise was like stubbing the knife in his heart.

 

 

There is no question about the quality of his work. He is doing it spotlessly. There is no question if he loves us more than ever because he does, especially after the last incident, but he changed. He lost the will for playing games, visiting LL answering on unimportant and business unrelated SMSs and mails, participate in parties and events that doesn’t concern us and aren’t “defined” as “must be there”. Last night when my Ivy and I talked about group sex in Sunday and what shell we wear; my Prince was silent. He listened, but he wasn’t aroused hearing us (as he always was), he didn’t comment, but just lying on the bed and listening. My Ivy and I reacted cautiously and gently thinking that he wants to give up from group sex. When being asked what is eating him he said:

- Nothing is wrong. I will participate in group sex because Ivy needs it. Would I enjoy in it is completely another pair of shoes which is not important.

Ivy: Honey, if you want, I will cancel it. I don’t want you to do something that you aren’t comfortable with and you know I have no joy if you don't have it too.

Prince: It’s not important what I want, honey, but what you want. Sorry, I shouldn’t say that.

Me to Prince: Honey ….. we don’t want you to do anything for us that doesn’t not make YOU happy too.

Prince: Again; you wanted group sex, you will have it. My opinion is not important. You know I will do anything for you; like it or not.

Then he kissed us both and went to kick boxing bag. My Ivy and I continued to talk. We agreed to cancel group sex. No, we have no joy of doing it if our husband do not enjoy in it too. So, Ivy sent SMS to our “fantastic 4” and Fran and she canceled group sex for tomorrow. We watched him kicking the boxing bag. We recognized deep pain, anger, sadness in his strikes and kicks. It was more like he was having the picture of himself in his mind in the front of him, not the boxing bag. His soul is torn apart. Gypsy lady left the deep scar on his heart. Not her specifically, but his sexual affair with her. That failure initiated various hurtful chain reactions; too many of them. As I said, he is still gentle with us, our parents, friends, but he built kind of “safe” wall between him and others. When we asked him if he wants to talk about it, he said:

- There is nothing to talk about. I won’t disappoint no one any more.

Then he went to our beach and jumped in the sea. He swam for a long time. My Ivy and I watched him and we felt very sorry for him.

 

 

I wish he wouldn’t be so sensitive about own mistakes and that he will be able to let the past go, but he is the person who simply can’t let go things that hurt others and go on like nothing happens. Justice, for him, must be done and it doesn't exclude him from punishment. On one or another way not matter how painful it is. He is completely opposite of what my Ivy and I used to be: didn’t give a fuck for others. Thanks to him it changed, but we are in balance. He is still not. He cares too much for others. Some peoples’ heart heal faster and by the time even scars fades away, but my Prince’s heart bleeds a lot, heals extremely slow an some scars are there for years. My Ivy and I love him regardless. Nothing has change in our love for him. We just wish and hope that by the time his heart will be stronger and more immune on own failures. Indeed, he is fast, easy and quick to forgive others, but, slow, hard and unable to forgive himslef when failing his loved ones.

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1 hour ago, Jayomms said:

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Our souls cries for him too. He is very good man. Rare to find these days. I wish I met him earlier, but better ever than never :)

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