Cool ... how did you do it !? Beautiful thank you! 

3 hours ago, Byldozer said:

Cool ... how did you do it !? Beautiful thank you! 

Thank you very much glad you like it.

Have a look at the storyteller's club to learn more about doing these kinds of stories, including guides and tutorials.

Nice! I like the scene with the bow. Clever way to show someone growing into their powers. Hannah is already a pretty strong character, I like her. I do wish she rejected Thomas there in the end after smacking him away, buuuuut I guess he can't be resisted.

The action was exciting too. Very grotesque!

Nice work.... I hope Nora doesn't mind. 

9 hours ago, Alter Native said:

Thank you very much glad you like it.

Have a look at the storyteller's club to learn more about doing these kinds of stories, including guides and tutorials.

Thank you ... (we'll see)

12 hours ago, Collygon said:

Nice! I like the scene with the bow. Clever way to show someone growing into their powers. Hannah is already a pretty strong character, I like her.

I do wish she rejected Thomas there in the end after smacking him away, buuuuut I guess he can't be resisted.

 

The action was exciting too. Very grotesque!

Thank you!

And I kind of agree with you on Hannah rejecting Thomas. It would have been a bit more in character. So far Hannah's journey was about becoming a vampire unwillingly and disgusted by it, but slowly being seduced by the new world and crossing one line after the other, with this entry being another piece of that (for the first time killing someone, even though it was in self defense and actually using her new vampiric powers).

If I could dedicate more time to her story, (I won't due to time and other things I want to tell) I would have her rejected Thomas, with the old Hannah coming through once again, only to have it happen some time later when vampire Hannah wins.

So yeah, I agree, but I already have spend half a chapter ~5 sections or so just about Hannah's story and as said there are other things I want to tell.

7 hours ago, Jayomms said:

Nice work.... I hope Nora doesn't mind. 

Hehe, I think she knew the risks when she sent Hannah with Thomas on such a trip.

Damn, Hannah became so fucking hot! And I really like how and in what direction you develop her character!
Catched such a strong Dark Souls vibe from Evan's appearance! And that fight after, was so rageous! Guess red tint and a blur really makes it looks cool like that! 
Amazing job Alter Native!

4 hours ago, Crw said:

Damn, Hannah became so fucking hot! And I really like how and in what direction you develop her character!

Yeah, I agree, she was supposed to die several times already, but I always decided to keep her alive in the last moment. She's grown on me quite a bit.

4 hours ago, Crw said:

Catched such a strong Dark Souls vibe from Evan's appearance! And that fight after, was so rageous! Guess red tint and a blur really makes it looks cool like that! 
Amazing job Alter Native!

The robe is from Bloodborne and I really love it!

and of course the blog is living up to it's name! nice work Alter! I'm glad Hannah is getting more story time

15 hours ago, xGHoSTx said:

and of course the blog is living up to it's name! nice work Alter! I'm glad Hannah is getting more story time

Thank you! 

Interesting chapter. Overall, you risked yourself into infrequently explored areas (a new vampire's education, multiple characters fights, a non-Nora entry with side character development), and so that made the entry sometimes a bit clumsy, sometimes quite mesmerizing, as the implications of Thomas and Hannah newfound relationship are unknown for the readers.

Starting by the imperfections

• you're not at ease with onomatopoeia (a bow breaking wouldn't sound like a bandit getting stabbed, yet in both case we get an Arrghh ! ). Don't be afraid to use comics-like onomatopoeia, they may look silly to you, yet in the eyes of the reader they'll stand out less than classier but unadapted ones. 
• The vignettes sequences during quick action scenes aren't always intuitive. For example, at one point we see a bandit shooting a bow, an arrow flying, and the bandit getting shot. At that point we can come-back an see the arrow was pointing up, and so wasn't shot by the bandit, but the articulation is lacking there. If I wanted to minimize the amount os onomatopoeia and comics visual indications, I'd ensure the images sequences to be intuitive enough.

As for the good points, it was so good to see a vampire initiated by such a badass teacher... From the frail bow, to the whereabouts of the blood society, and the instincts Hannah developed towards her newfound powers, it was captivating. The appearances/aspect of the main protagonists AND antagonist were also really excellent, and the background ambiance perfectly suited for a creepy encounter. Also appreciated the dialogues, and Hannah's evolution towards her new inner nature. All of that while maintaining top notch screens quality. Great entry ! ?

Malicia : « Those gals of that place always get everything they want, with everyone they want, even if they are being meany all along. 

                That's very disheartening, yes.  »

On 2/27/2021 at 6:34 PM, Tirloque said:

Interesting chapter. Overall, you risked yourself into infrequently explored areas (a new vampire's education, multiple characters fights, a non-Nora entry with side character development), and so that made the entry sometimes a bit clumsy, sometimes quite mesmerizing, as the implications of Thomas and Hannah newfound relationship are unknown for the readers.

Thank you very much for this in depth feedback, that's very valuable. 

On 2/27/2021 at 6:34 PM, Tirloque said:

 

Starting by the imperfections

• you're not at ease with onomatopoeia (a bow breaking wouldn't sound like a bandit getting stabbed, yet in both case we get an Arrghh ! ). Don't be afraid to use comics-like onomatopoeia, they may look silly to you, yet in the eyes of the reader they'll stand out less than classier but unadapted ones. 
• The vignettes sequences during quick action scenes aren't always intuitive. For example, at one point we see a bandit shooting a bow, an arrow flying, and the bandit getting shot. At that point we can come-back an see the arrow was pointing up, and so wasn't shot by the bandit, but the articulation is lacking there. If I wanted to minimize the amount os onomatopoeia and comics visual indications, I'd ensure the images sequences to be intuitive enough.

About the first point. I was at no point in this story trying to use onomatopoeia. The "Arrghh" is not refering to the bow but the reaction from Hannah to the bow breaking. It's written in her green color and it's written in quotation marks.

If it was an attempted of onomatopoeia it would have been written in white (Nora's and the narrator's color) and in [] brackets. 

I agree with the second point and I think we have discussed this topic some time in the past. The problem with the cinematic style is that it really struggeles in quick action scenes where lots of stuff is happening simultaneously. In a movie you have the moving pictures, in a comic you can draw lines, add blur etc. but in the cinematic approach it takes you a lot of images to show everything happening and if you don't things become unclear.

On 2/27/2021 at 6:34 PM, Tirloque said:

As for the good points, it was so good to see a vampire initiated by such a badass teacher... From the frail bow, to the whereabouts of the blood society, and the instincts Hannah developed towards her newfound powers, it was captivating. The appearances/aspect of the main protagonists AND antagonist were also really excellent, and the background ambiance perfectly suited for a creepy encounter. Also appreciated the dialogues, and Hannah's evolution towards her new inner nature.

All of that while maintaining top notch screens quality. Great entry ! ?

Thank you very much! 

On 2/27/2021 at 6:34 PM, Tirloque said:

Malicia : « Those gals of that place always get everything they want, with everyone they want, even if they are being meany all along. 

 

                That's very disheartening, yes.  »

Not sure she got the things she wanted this time. But she didn't went in there with great expectations. 

I think Thomas was the one who got everything he wanted.

31 minutes ago, Alter Native said:

Thank you very much for this in depth feedback, that's very valuable. 

Thanks. Considering the work one goes through to pull a story of that level, giving constructive criticism is the least I can do.

31 minutes ago, Alter Native said:

About the first point. I was at no point in this story trying to use onomatopoeia. The "Arrghh" is not refering to the bow but the reaction from Hannah to the bow breaking. It's written in her green color and it's written in quotation marks.

If it was an attempted of onomatopoeia it would have been written in white (Nora's and the narrator's color) and in [] brackets.

But Arrgh is an onomatopoeia by itself. And you ended up reusing it a lot in this episode. You varied it once in the whole entry, but quite sucessfully. I would vary more in your stead, but I agree that's a matter of style.

31 minutes ago, Alter Native said:

I agree with the second point and I think we have discussed this topic some time in the past. The problem with the cinematic style is that it really struggeles in quick action scenes where lots of stuff is happening simultaneously. In a movie you have the moving pictures, in a comic you can draw lines, add blur etc. but in the cinematic approach it takes you a lot of images to show everything happening and if you don't things become unclear.

We did indeed. I think better overdo it (lots of images but clear) than the contrary. Story do convey events, and so your message should be delivered as closely as possible than your inner idea.

31 minutes ago, Alter Native said:

Thank you very much! 

 

Thank you for the volunteer work.

31 minutes ago, Alter Native said:

Not sure she got the things she wanted this time. But she didn't went in there with great expectations. 

I think Thomas was the one who got everything he wanted.

Malicia : « She got to honey-honey in the pee-pee with Thomas.

                That's what all the gals around are wanting, uh.  »

20 hours ago, Tirloque said:

But Arrgh is an onomatopoeia by itself.

It's also spoken word or a form of dialogue if you will, where as classic onomatopoeia of breaking wood and smashing glass etc. is not. And I mostly move the story via dialogue and this is part of it. 

Love the chapter and confrontation. The change into red during the fight did start to feel like a boss fight that I admit, I started having the box fight choir singing through my mind when reading those parts! 

Are all of the blood effects that’s not on people, all ingame blood?

I admit, the flying arrow part did throw me off a little. I think if you had her posing with the bow still up, it would’ve made more sense that she shot the arrow. 
 

Also, have you ever edited your screenshots for your story? 
I was thinking some action lines overlayed on spots like the arrow would be nice. Or do a layer under the arrow with the same arrow but motion blurred. At the moment, the arrow seemed to be floating in air rather than moving.  
 

I think Hannah saying “fuck” would be more apt, cause even a “toy” bow with a 35 to 50ln draw would more than sting if it snapped in ones face
 

On 3/7/2021 at 7:08 PM, devious-Drunna said:

Love the chapter and confrontation. The change into red during the fight did start to feel like a boss fight that I admit, I started having the box fight choir singing through my mind when reading those parts! 

Thanks. I'm trying to emphasize the intensity of the situation for the protagonists. 

On 3/7/2021 at 7:08 PM, devious-Drunna said:

Are all of the blood effects that’s not on people, all ingame blood?

Yes they are. With some minor edits, but I'm not good with Wanobi style edits. 

On 3/7/2021 at 7:08 PM, devious-Drunna said:

I admit, the flying arrow part did throw me off a little. I think if you had her posing with the bow still up, it would’ve made more sense that she shot the arrow. 
 

Also, have you ever edited your screenshots for your story? 
I was thinking some action lines overlayed on spots like the arrow would be nice. Or do a layer under the arrow with the same arrow but motion blurred. At the moment, the arrow seemed to be floating in air rather than moving.  

Thanks for the suggestion. I'm not to keen on editing my images the way you do it. I understand that it helps the reader in action intensive shots but generally speaking I'm trying to keep the images the way I shot them as I feel it's too disruptive for my story. 

Also I'd feel like I had to edit more than just action shots if I'd start it once.

People like you or Tirloque also edit NSFW shots with motions etc. and I personally don't like that, but I'd feel I'd have to do that for the sake of consistency if I start heavily editing some screenshots.