And then it'll be another 300-year wait before the next entry as per usual, but hey. At least i'll also get back to the screenshot lewdity on the tumblr and such after this, i've made a point of not doing any more of them until i finish this entry.

EDIT: Jesus Bunnyhopping Christ, has it really been 2 years since the last entry? I've updated them all over time which re-submits them so the submission time on here is no bueno, so i went and checked when i actually linked Entry 9 on my Tumblr. July 12 2016. Where the hell did the time go?

EDIT: Just realized calling them "entries" is a little weird. It's an actual ongoing story, not just blog posts. "Chapters" it is. I'll update the names in the morning or something.

Also, for the record, when i say "nearly finished", i mean in the sense of the Ninety-Ninety rule. Chapter 10's 90% done. It just has another 90% to go because of various little things i gotta do as i go (and new ideas cropping up. The story's been revised like a billion times in a billion places in the last few weeks, it's now settled on something i'm happy enough with). And remember: This is me we're talking about. I will do shit that probably 99% of people will not notice or think to do themselves in their own works, details that don't really show up in the shots all that much, even whole sections of cells and worldspaces that are wholly off-screen, so on and so forth. Because A. i'm just as concerned about the 1% who are critical of the little details, why settle for 99% when i can go that extra mile and snag all 100%, and B. it's the principal of the matter; even though you might never see that off-screen stuff, i know it's there, nobody can make any legitimate claim that it's absent from the 3D space i made for those shots. If you don't notice or "feel" anything wrong with the scene, then i've succeeded. Not saying i always will succeed, but it's the intent, and that's half the battle already dealt with.

Must've been there for hours.

But I noticed when his breathing stopped.

...

...

I went out, got a ferry to Daggerfall. I haven't been back to the Isle since.

...

I stayed in Daggerfall for a time, while I found my feet... and grieved. I held it together on the ferry ride, mainly because the reality of the situation hadn't quite hit, yet. But once I got a room at an inn and was... alone with my thoughts... ...

...

I sat down, and did not stand back up for quite some time. I loved him, you know? Doesn't matter he wasn't my biological father, he was my father nonetheless. And now... he was gone, and I was on my own.

But, uh... ... I eventually pulled myself back together, for the most part. It's not like it was unexpected, we knew it was coming long ago. Just... hurt that it finally happened. But I got back up. Took odd jobs to get some coin behind me. Started asking around about my parents. Anyone I even remotely thought could possibly know. Guards, barkeeps, beggars, anyone.

Kind of dawned on me just how... ... - I mean, I knew it was going to be difficult. This was around... 17 years prior we're talking about, when they were last in the area. But growing up on a little island, you kind of don't realize just how big Tamriel is. How many people there are. It was dawning on me just how much of a... a needle in the haystack this endeavor was actually going to be. I was looking for a Breton and Imperial in High Rock of all places. And I didn't even know if they were still there, they could've been clear across in Elsweyr for all I knew.

Realized I might have to resign myself to the possibility I might never find them. I never stopped looking of course - Still haven't. But I had to put myself first. Had to do right by myself, and by Gaius, and just... live my life.

So, I stayed in Daggerfall for... a bit under a year. Got some decent coin behind me, then I started my travels. Went all up and across High Rock, slowly making my way to Jehanna. I always liked the cold.

That why you're over here now?

Pretty much. Heh.

Ah... Jehanna. I took work here and there, always asked around about my parents, pretty much settled into a routine. Would stay in places for ages on end, making sure I exhausted all possible avenues of information. I didn't finally get to Jehanna for another two years; I wasn't in a rush, that was just where I was headed is all. Was an interesting journey in the meantime.

Did you get to see Ada-mantia?

From a distance, yeah. Was by the coast on a mostly clear day, could see it in all its glory. I thought about getting a ferry to Balfiera proper, get a good close look at the Tower. I've always had an interest in metaphysics, so the prospect of seeing the famed Ur-Tower itself up close was... heh, it was tempting. But I decided against it. I could see a storm approaching in the distance, kind of didn't want to be stuck in that, you know?

There's always next time.

Yeah. Though I've been saying that for three decades, heh.

Anyways... finally got around to heading into Jehanna. You ever... ... you ever walk into a place you've never been, didn't really know what to expect, but just immediately it... it felt right? Like it was... it's not necessarily your home forever, but it's where you needed to be at that point in time?

Mm, I have.

That was Jehanna for me. Had its issues and idiosyncrasies, but it was where I needed to be. Found good work, settled into my usual routine of asking around.

Met a girl there. Gwenevere Lenault.

That Gwenevere?

That Gwenevere. She was a barmaid at the inn I was staying at. Asked her about my parents, the usual. Also as usual, didn't know anything about them. But we, uh... ... I can't remember if it was something she said, or something I said... whatever was said, we got to talking. She was on break, so she had time to talk, we were just making small talk, that sort of thing. I kind of got the sense she was glad to be talking to someone actually interested in talking, and not just some drunkard wanting to get in her pants.

I mean, she's a beautiful woman, but that wasn't the sole reason I was talking to her, you know? She's the kind of person you want to talk to. Just really... really lovely to be around. We became friends pretty quickly. Lovers not too long after.

I'd had my share of... unkindness, on the road. And I was kind of... I don't know, depressed from everything. Depressed still about Gaius. Depressed about not finding anything about my parents in almost three years of searching, even though I knew I shouldnt've been focusing on it so much... it was just kind of piled on everything else, 'is why I was buckling under from it. I guess I've kind of always had issues with depression and the like, even before the War. But she showed me there was indeed happiness to be found in life. What we had was good. We just... we went together, you know? All relationships take work, but ours was relatively easy. Uncomplicated. We found where we both wanted to be, and we were happy to stay there.

Lo and behold, couple months later, a man overheard me asking some guard about my parents. He told me he was an old acquaintance of theirs. He didn't tell me much; I could tell he was more a private person, so I didn't push the matter. Which was fine, I respected that, he was kind enough to volunteer the information that he did. He described them, confirmed he knew who they were... and I didn't get the sense he was lying anyway. Even then, I'd already developed my... knack, as you put it.

What did he say?

Said they went down to the Imperial City some five years prior. It was a tiny morsel of possibly outdated information, but it was the first piece of information I'd gotten in my three years of searching. So, of course... I made my plans to head down there.

Gwenevere understood. By the Divines, I've said a million times how I didn't deserve her. She was always so understanding about everything. It stung to have to leave, but she knew I had to do this. And after all, as she said to me, she'd still be there waiting when I got back... It was good to finally have something to... to go back to, you know? Someone waiting at home.

So, southeast I went. Cut through Hammerfell, came through the Colovian Highlands, took a rest at Chorrol while I got my bearings. Seeing White-Gold off in the distance was just as awe-inspiring as Ada-mantia before it. And considering it's essentially a copy of Ada-mantia, it was sort of two birds with one stone seeing it up close once I finally got to the city.

And it was glorious. The whole journey over, seeing it off in the distance, getting closer and closer... nothing compared to when I finally got there. Looking up at it...

Looking further up.

And up, and up. Indeed. It was worth the trip just for that.

And I'd always wanted to head down there anyway. Gaius was Imperial through and through, so I was sort of raised on Imperial history and traditions to an extent, but I was kind of raised more on Breton history in general just due to being there in High Rock. I'd grown up in Breton tradition, now here I was able to learn more about the Imperial side of things. They're both my heritage, after all. Finally got a chance to really dig deep into some history while I was staying there.

It's pretty much the only stuff I learned down there, though. They were nowhere to be found. No trace of them, no nothing. I'm sure they were there at one point... or were heading there at least. But they were gone now. I was right back where I started.

Story of my life...

What'd you do then?

Stayed for a few days to see the sights, then got packing. Much as I wanted to stay, I wanted more to be back with Gwenevere. Sent a messenger ahead so she wouldn't worry.

...

Barely a day before I'm set to head out, the news reaches the city. Invasion.

Us.

Them, mm. The Dominion was invading, and... well, I never lost my desire to join the Legion, and right there on the spot I made a split-second decision.

News of what was going on there in Alinor was, of course, sporadic. They were pretty cut off. But rumors still trickled through. If even half of them were true, it was indication enough that they would be a very dangerous foe to contend with. You Altmer are innately powerful mages as it is, let alone powerful mages with genocide on the agenda. I was young, but no fool, even if a bit more idealistic than I am now. I knew they had to be stopped.

So, I signed up. Showed them what I could do. Was assigned as a Battlemage. I wasn't put in the actual Shadow Legion, but I was in the same role otherwise. Finally fulfilled that lifelong ambition, at least.

...

... And to be honest, I think we've both had more than our share of that war. We both know. I don't think I need speak of this in further detail.

True enough. Another time, maybe.

In short, made it out with Emperor Mede's forces, was assigned to General Jonna's forces afterwards... ... Yeah. Can talk about that another time.

Moving on... once everything was over, I got out. I wasn't in any condition to continue serving. Not mentally. Though as I'd find out, fighting in a war isn't the only thing tests your mind. The final test is afterwards, when you finally let your guard down and...

... Everything you were holding in spills out.

Mm. Something Gaius once said, "You get so used to steeling yourself against the storm, you forget what calm winds are like". You forget what it's like to just live a normal life...

...Divines, four years. Four years of that fucking war. I'd actually forgotten how long it was.

Mm...

...

Anyways... ... I got out. Made my way back up to Jehanna. Back up to her. I'd only been able to get the occasional message out to her, and... it'd been some time since the last. So I hauled up there, taking every carriage I could, every shortcut on foot I could. I hadn't moved like that since the last forced march in the war. But I wasn't going to waste one moment, I wanted to get there. Finally got there... and, ohhh... the look on her face. Heh. Probably the same look on my face. Seeing her face again was worth enduring those four years for.

Especially since we were keeping the Dominion from pushing any further as well. High Rock's right there north of Hammerfell, after all. Knowing she was kept safe and sound got me through the war.

Everything seemed like it'd finally be alright.

But.

But. My issues got worse. Not at first, I was actually recovering for a bit there. We were trying for a child, we were engaged. Even once I started getting bad again, we thought a family would focus me, distract me from the bad thoughts. So I could recover that way. But it... didn't work like that. I got worse. I got really bad. Anger, terror, hallucinations, depression. Everything. I could barely sleep, because I knew it would be a nightmare, and Vaermina had plenty of material to work with. And Gwenevere could barely sleep because of me waking up screaming in... gods, unbridled terror she'd called it. My dreams terrified me more than anything I ever actually saw in the War.

It took the longest time, but she finally couldn't take it. Took her far longer than it should've, by all rights she should've left for her sake a lot earlier. Bless her for trying. But she left, now some... ... almost 25 years ago, now.

I never held it against her in any way, I fully understood. But still, I... I got pretty bad after she left. But I eventually started to recover... Eh, not something I particularly care to go into right now... perhaps another time.

Sure... what'd you do from there?

Wandered. That's pretty much the only word for it. Jehanna didn't feel like home anymore without her there, so... I wandered about, trying to find where I was supposed to be now. I'd seen enough of High Rock in my travels after I left Betony, so I decided to go elsewhere for a time. Hammerfell, western Skyrim, bits of Cyrodiil I haven't been to yet, even parts of Morrowind. Never really fit in anywhere I went.

Few years ago, I finally made my way back up to Skyrim here. Moved around a bit, eventually settled in Riften for a little bit. Mainly because of the temple of Mara there, was a little taste of home, you know? I mean, the town was a hole, but I was still able to make do. I'd been in worse places.

And... not too long after I got there, I met Maja and Aleri. Last year, was about the time the whole Dragon mess sprung up. They --

...

Was that the door?

It's meee.

Well, Maja's back.

Uh... well, I hate to cut this short, but I've been wanting to surprise her when she gets back. Little things we do.

Heh, I hear you. We can pick this up another time?

Sure. Ah... I'd better run before she comes in here. See you in the morning, Calindwe.

Goodnight. And thanks for sharing, mm?

... (... I'll... spare the details.)...

Key:

Regulus Clarius (Imperial)
Calindwe (Altmer)

-------

23 Rain's Hand, 4E 202.

Heh, that's one bottle down. That was quick.

Mm, stuff's actually not bad for cheap wine. Maja has good taste... She doesn't mind us going through her stores, does she? Normally her and I call it quits after one bottle.

She keeps a ton of cheap wine around for this very situation. She saves the expensive bottles for special occasions, those she keeps hidden away somewhere.

Anyways, we can head into Whiterun tomorrow to refill her stock if need be, I have the coin for it.

Assuming the hangover doesn't keep us here... Ahh. As you were saying?

The Dominion, yes. I've not forgotten our deal, don't worry. Tomorrow night will be your turn, but tonight I'll share my story.

So... where -- *hic* eek. Sorry, I don't normally drink quite this much. Where should I begin?

Just start from the beginning, I suppose. Whatever you're comfortable with talking about.

Alright...

Hmm...

...

I, uh...

... Sorry, not used to talking about this. It's been years...

It's alright.

...

... I, uh... ... I... was born into nobility. A... somewhat powerful family from Lillandril, northwest of Alinor. The city, rather.

I grew up believing the propaganda, as so many of us do now. Looking back, of course I can see how... how far we've fallen. Degraded. But at the time, I wholly believed in the Thalmor's cause. I believed that their way was just, that it was right.

Their belief is hardly new one, of course. Lorkhan tricking our et'Ada ancestors and imprisoning them here in the Mundus, us wanting to escape back, that's all been a traditional mindset of ours for quite a long time. But the Thalmor... the Thalmor take it to the extreme. I'm sure I need not speak of their utter hatred for the Mundus and Man, you've fought against it first-hand. But always know that they're patient, and very cunning.

They know how to manipulate a situation. They went from a small extremist minority to the rulers of the Summerset Isles, anon Alinor. They riled up the Argonian invasion of Morrowind. And day by day they corrupt more and more of our people with their... their vitriol, and seemingly inalienable contempt for this existence.

A sort of... saving grace for me, I suppose, was that I wasn't nearly as radicalized as some of the others; I bought into the cause, but not the hatred. I managed to keep a degree of moderation. I still saw you as the opposition, of course, but... less of an enemy, more as just our misguided younger cousins. I hoped you could eventually be made to see the truth, and we could all work together to break free of the Mundus and escape together.

But I knew blood had to be shed before that could happen. The Great War was in planning for some time, and... well, I never much cared for court intrigue. Politics and rumormongering were not my forte, I always saw myself making a difference with a blade in my hand. So I went into the military, and trained as a Templar. That's where I excelled. It was just, uh... smaller stuff, at first. Guard duty, quelling bandits and... insurrections... so on and so forth. The Dominion has its own internal problems to deal with like anywhere else, and those problems were my opportunity to show my worth. We weren't fighting the War just yet, but I still managed to climb my way up a ways and show I was capable of more efficiency and subtlety than the rest of the rank and file.

I'd found my calling, and they could see that. As I'd come to find out, I'd drawn the attention of some very important individuals during my years of service. Once we were gearing up for the War, I was given command of a small unit operating under direct Thalmor authority. We called ourselves the Crimson Guard. We weren't part of the main invasionary forces, rather we were auxiliaries working on the sides. Helping deal with important side objectives so our main forces could proceed unmolested up to Hammerfell.

The sort of thing where your success meant the main forces never knew anything was wrong in the first place, I would imagine.

Precisely. They were safe and none the wiser. Which was fine, I wasn't in it for glory, I was doing my part just as we all were.

And we were effective. Efficient and ruthless. Just as I always was, just as I taught the rest of my unit to be. I'm half... prideful, and half ashamed of how well we did. Suffice it to say, I... ... I have a lot of blood on my hands. We all did.

But I always had a single rule: When feasible, I would spare the non-combatants. It was war, I knew things had to be done, but I still wanted to limit the damage. I still saw you as people just the same as mine, not as vermin like many of the others did. We'd take prisoners whenever we could, take them back to camp for the others to handle...

...

At the time I didn't... really think about what'd happen to them from there. My focus was on the war effort, but I still thought I was at least giving the prisoners a second chance for when the War eventually ended... but I do notice that I never saw or heard about any of the prisoners again.

I probably saved them from one death only to naively send them to another. Probably would've been more merciful to cut them down on the spot.

You were doing what you thought was right.

I know. Doesn't mean it was right.

But I digress. I had that rule, and I stuck to it. But all too often I witnessed the systematic slaughter of your people. People who didn't need to be killed. And not just yours, even our own kind. Those who spoke out. And I had to hold my tongue and... do what I was ordered to do, if those people ended up on my list to deal with. Because I knew my more... sympathetic views would be decidedly unwelcome among the extremists. And it hurt. It hurt so much to see what we had become. We were supposed to be better than that. We're Altmer, we were the apex. Much of your culture is based upon ours. Ours was the pinnacle and the template of society as you know it. Yet here we are, allowing ourselves to be ruled by this... this genocidal madness.

Eventually I... I just... ... I don't know, I just started losing faith in the Thalmor. I still believed in the cause at the time, but I was starting to see the Thalmor themselves less and less as worthy bearers of that cause. Unworthy rulers of a new corrupted Dominion. Lady Ayrenn would be spinning in her grave if she saw us now...

... It was probably also fatigue from the fighting mixing with my disillusionment, Xarxes knows I was tired of everything. Tired of killing, tired of seeing civilians dying for no reasons... tired of everything.

I was there when we took the Imperial City. Not for the... massacre itself, when our forces got in. We stayed outside to help guard the perimeter. But I heard it. By the ancestors, I heard it all.

The screaming...

The... guttural screaming of those poor people. I could hear the... the terror in their cries, the agony. I still hear it, even now. I hear it in my dreams, Vaermina knows. Even awake, I'll be doing... something, anything, and out of nowhere I'll hear the screams.

That's when everything started to just... crack. I was having my doubts beforehand, but that truly started the spiral downwards for me.

By the time your forces regrouped and started marching to take the Red Ring Road, I was... barely holding on. I was fighting more because I still felt I had to, not because I believed in the cause anymore. I was jaded, I was tired, I just...

...

...

What finally broke you?

... Ahh... we were a ways southwest of Cheydinhal, tracking a small militia that'd formed. Little more than farmers with pitchforks and old guardsmen, but still something we had to deal with. We cornered them in the ruins of an old fort. They were trapped in a tower, a mage among them put up a powerful ward to stop us from entering. We later found out there was a system of underground tunnels connected to the towers, presumably they were trying to open the way and escape, but in the meantime we had them trapped.

One of our scouts happened to spot your forces moving near Cheydinhal and quickly reported back. General Jonna's army, I believe?

Mm.

Mm, well you can imagine it was a bit of a shock to find out there was an entire army marching right behind us. I went out with the scout so we could get a better look. Talingar, my second in command, stayed behind to figure out how to deal with the militia.

But it seems we were spotted beforehand and walked right into a trap. Lost my helmet and weapon, but I was able to escape. The scout wasn't so lucky.

When I got back...

(Lord Talingar, Khajiit sees Lady Calcona returning... it appears she is alone.)

... Well...

(Talingar, what did you do?)

...

(Calcona, what happened? Where's the scout?)

(The Imperials got the drop on us, these ones are not to be trifled with. Now answer my question, what did you bloody do? If I could see the smoke from Cheydinhal, the Imperials could too!)

...

(We're a little pressed for time, my lady. I've burned the tower out like a rat's nest. Just waiting for the spell to finally wear off so we can recover what little might remain of use and move on.)

(You-...)

(...)

By the Ancestors...







30 Rain's Hand, 4E 175.

You... you burned them alive...

... Is there a problem? ... They're just humans, Calcona. And we're pressed for time.

I am aware of what they are, you fucking imbecile. They didn't have to die like this.

-- Mind your tongue, Calcona, lest I carve it out.

Mind your place, lest it becomes your gravesite.

...









...







...

... I'm done...

...

I'm done.

The Crimson Guard's all yours, Talingar. I'm... I'm done with this. I'm done with this war. I'm done with all this bloodshed.

...

Tell them... ... Tell them I died. The Imperials trapped me, I couldn't escape. Dragged my body off.

I was never here.

...

You would give it all up? The cause? Our friendship?

Your family?

For these... maggots? This blight upon the face of Nirn?

...

Your sympathy for our foe has become your undoing, Calcona.

... And your blind contempt will become yours. They're people, Talingar. No different than you or I.

When all's said and done... when this war is over... you'll have nothing but your memories. You'll have to live with what you've done... ... What we've all done.

I know I've had to.

...

...

The Imperials are headed this way. You'd best find a way to dispel those flames quickly if you want to recover anything in time.

...

(...)

... And in that instant, I'd burned all bridges. I finally snapped...

It wasn't even the worst thing I'd witnessed. But...

Final straw.

Yes. I was tired, Regulus. So... damned tired. Tired of the blood. Tired of the screams. And that final little push did me in, and I was tired of Talingar speaking above his station again, and I just snapped...

I still feel a little... sad, for how things went with him. For the things I said, for hitting him... Believe me, in his own way he did mean well. He... unfortunately bought into the hatred, but I know he was doing what he genuinely believed was right for our people. I can't really fault him for good intentions, especially given I once held similar beliefs. And he was my closest, oldest friend, I never... never thought something like that would ever happen. But I suppose it had to happen.

And so I ran. It was almost *hic* dawn, and I'd already spent almost all of my considerable Magicka stores out of desperation to get away from the Cheydinhal ambush, but I had just enough to keep a Night Eye spell going for a while.

I ran into one of your forward scouts. Well, more like she was lying in wait, knew I was there. We... fought. I wanted to get away without bloodshed, but couldn't. Was her or me, and I couldn't tarry, I knew the rest of you wouldn't be far behind... I'll... spare the details.

- So that was you? You know, I thought those scars looked familiar. You were clad in Glass, yes?

... Yes, I was. Wait, you were actually there?

Couple of us were scouting nearby when we heard the fighting, I got there just in time to see you running into the treeline. I almost set off after you myself, but I was needed there and not off chasing lone stragglers.

Hm. Small world, as they say.

Small world indeed... huh, surprised you remember me after all this time.

My eyesight back then was a lot better than it is now, and you looked like someone of some importance to keep in mind. Whenever I saw one of ours die, I tried to make a mental note of their killers, in case I ever got an opportunity to take vengeance on any of them. You... were, obviously, added that list.

I see.

But, that was then. And it was war, we've all got blood on our hands. I don't even remember any of the others on the list, and I don't really care to. The past is the past. I've, uh... actually kind of actively tried to forget the faces from back then. I probably wouldn'tve recognized you if we weren't already talking about this.

Fair enough.

...

Anyways... I, uh... I kept going east for a while to sidestep your forces, then northeast to a pass into Morrowind, making for Blacklight. Figured that out of all of Tamriel at *hic* that point in time, the Dunmer would be the... least hostile. They proved to be their usual selves, of course, I knew a certain measure of their infamous xenophobia awaited me. But at least I knew that, I knew what I was dealing with.

Eventually I left my armor behind. Tiring me out, not to mention it could draw attention. I happened upon a secluded little shack in the middle of a forest. I was... half starving, and dead on my feet. I knew how to live off the land, but the land wasn't being particularly kind to me at that point, given I was a little limited in where I could go due to the risk of running into Imperial forces. Old man who lived there took me in, gave me shelter. I told him I was a refugee trying to get away from the war. Not a lie, really, just obviously not the full story. But he didn't press the matter.

He knew about the war, of course. But he didn't seem to care that I was an Altmer. I didn't perceive any mistrust, he just... he was just helping someone in need. Just reaffirmed my belief that we were wrong about you. Destroying everything, slaughtering Man and dissenting Mer... it was wrong. It was all wrong. The Thalmor are nothing but nostalgic fools seeing only what once was, not appreciating what was now, and what could be.

And here was an old man I could kill with my bare hands, and he knew it. Yet he believed me, trusted me... and I certainly did not take him for a fool. I'd seen plenty of fools in my time, I knew he wasn't one. He was quite sharp indeed. I think he... he might've saw me for what I was trying to be. Saw how I was different from the Dominon. Knew I meant no harm.

He sheltered me for a couple nights, and once I regained my strength I set out. He gave me some supplies, clothes, coin... ... more than I needed, but he insisted. There truly was kindness to be found among Men...

...

... Anyways. I came across a small group of refugees making *hic* for Morrowind as well. People who'd lost their homes, families... deserters like myself... ... and by then, the person I was had well and truly died. I'd told the old man a false name, "Calindwe". Common enough name, unassuming, and it just stuck for me. That was my name now, that was who I was. Just... Calindwe, a refugee trying to get away from it all.

I've not heard or spoken my old name since I left. A conscious decision; that's who I was, but not who I am now. Purely a symbolic gesture, to be honest, but still one I stick to.

I won't ask what your old name was, then. It's yours alone.

Heh... thank you.

At any rate, we finally got to Blacklight. And that's where I lived for quite some time, though I traveled around a bit every now and then.

I became a painter. I always liked to paint when I was younger, before I went into the military and had little time to spare for it. I obviously had the skillset for mercenary work, which probably would've been good coin, but I...

Too soon.

Too soon. I made decent coin off of the paintings anyway. Eventually I decided to move on to Skyrim and ply my trade here. A somewhat... brazen decision, for obvious reasons, but I was tired of breathing in ash, and I did always like the cold.

But it turned out to be the best decision I ever made, because I met Maja and the others soon after I arrived. Our little group adventuring about, doing all kinds of good work... and Maja's caring nature keeping me in high spirits... it made me realize I'd been given a second chance here. An opportunity to be redeemed... to do right. I might never be able to make up for the things I've done in the War... but I can certainly try. *hic* I can at least do what I can, it's better than doing nothing to make things right...

And being here, especially with Maja, has helped me so much. She's told me of your... issues. I've had them as well, and like you they've gotten better since I got here. I'm actually happy again, I can think straight, I don't hear the screams as much as I used to...

... I *hic*... I still see the faces, though. I can remember the faces of every single person I killed or saw die, you know? ... well, the ones where I saw their faces in the first place, of course...

I can see them with such... detail and clarity. If I was better at painting portraits, I could paint every single face purely from memory... maybe I'll go practice tomorrow. Sometimes I'll see one of their faces just... kind of there, in the distance. Looking back at me. I've long ago learned to just ignore them, but I can still feel their eyes on me. Judging me.

But they're free to *hic*... to judge me. Because I'm here to do right. I gave up... everything to get away. I... I haven't even seen my family since. I haven't tried to contact them, nothing. I don't know how well they've handled my... "death", I don't even know if they're still alive, if Talingar and the Crimson Guard survived. But I had to give all of that up. It wasn't a decision made lightly, not by any stretch *hic* of the imagination... but it had to be done.

And so... here I am now. Half drunk, happily conversing with a human friend of another human friend. A friend who was once an enemy soldier, at one point probably mere yards away from me. My parents would have a fit if they saw me now... heh...

Ahh...

But I want you to understand something. I barely know you, Maja talking about you notwithstanding. But she trusts you, and I trust her, so *hic* that's good enough for me.

I've not told anyone else what I've just told you tonight. So this is a great deal of trust I've placed upon you.

I'll take it to my grave, Calindwe. Don't worry.

I appreciate it... ... At least now I've spoken about it. Gotten it off my chest. You're a good listener, you know?

... And I... I suppose I will tell Maja about it. Not... not right when she gets back, but... soon. You're right, she doesn't seem to be bothered by the thought, and she hasn't asked. But it's...

...

It's only fair, I think. She's shared much of her own story with me, and especially she's given me so much of my life back... and I've *hic* remained closed off to her. It's only fair to finally tell her the truth of who she's dealing with, especially since she already suspects it.

...

Anyways. Sorry if I... rambled a bit here and there. I tend to do that when I'm a little tipsy.

All good. Sounded like you needed to talk about it.

Kind of been the month for this stuff, actually. Maja recently told me about what happened with her mother, I've talked with her and Aleri a bit more about... my issues, and Gwenevere. Been talking with Aleri a lot these last couple of weeks, actually...

At any rate... ... I should probably make this my last cup for tonight, if we're going into Whiterun tomorrow. I've had hangovers before, kind of why I stopped with the hard booze.

Heh, same...

But, on that topic... again, this isn't bad at all for cheap wine, but... there's still something to be said for the finer stuff. While you're here, could I perhaps buy you a drink at the Mare sometime, and we can talk some more?

Happily... but usually when someone buys me a drink, it's to do more than just talk, so... I'll say upfront, I'm afraid I don't go for men.

Only women, I know. Not why I was asking. I'd like to pick your brain a bit more, curious how you've... managed to deal with your issues so much better than I have. Curious if there's anything I could be doing better that you know about.

Sure. Perhaps sometime next week, when I've settled in and rested up?

Sounds good.

Mm... Anyways... getting a tad late, and I've drunk a bit more than I normally do. Shall we call it a night?

We shall. Hopefully we can sleep it off, since we'll be doing this again tomorrow night.

Heh, indeed. But hey, it's tradition.

Mm... ... Goodnight, Calindwe.

Goodnight, Regulus.

-------

Key:

Regulus Clarius (Imperial)
Maja Hearthmaiden (Nord)
Calindwe (Altmer)

-------

22 Rain's Hand, 4E 202.

*knock knock*

It's me. You in there Maja?





It's alright, it's Regulus.

Ah...

Yep, I'm here.

There you- ...

- ... are.

Am... I interrupting?

Ahh...

Heh.

Not yet. Heh. What's wrong?

Man at the front door, says he's here about the water damage out back.

... The carpenter? Shor's bones, he's late.

*sigh*

I... I have to go handle this.

It's alright, dear. I'll still be here when you get back.

Mm, you better be~.

Also, you might want to get dressed. Getting chilly out, and the rain might be coming back.

And where's the fun in that? I thought I have you around to keep me warm.

True, but that's generally easier when we're not soaking wet from the rain. Unless you have some kind of challenge in mind...

Maybe I do~. We might have to discuss this later.

We just might.

Also, before you ask: It's in the dining room. Still drying on the back of a chair.

Oh, think you're funny, mm?

I think I've been here long enough to figure out that's your favorite black shawl. And that you're always forgetting where you put it. I already know I'm funny.

Pffffff.

Ahh...

*sigh*

...

Hi.

Hi. Heh.

Well... Awkwardness aside, it's nice to finally meet you, Calindwe.

Likewise, Regulus.

Please, sit. We might as well make use of this time to talk.

Mm...

So... Ah, sorry for killing the mood for youse.

Heheh. It's fine. I have seen the damage out there, I know it needs to be fixed. I can wait.

Still.

At any rate, at least we've finally met. Kept getting bad timing for a while there.

Places to be, unfortunately, I wasn't able to stay long enough to meet you.

Mm, such is life. But you're here now.

I'm here now. Hopefully for a week or two, at the least. I do have some business to attend to, but... it's not pressing. It can wait.

Heh, daresay it can damn well wait. 'Twas a bit of a long hike to get here, could use some rest and relaxation.

Down in Bruma, weren't you?

Mm.

Yeah, always a little rough going through the Jeralls. At least it's then all downhill to Whiterun.

Mm. And it's worth it anyway, to see Maja, and the others if they're around. Wish I could be out this way more often. Always good to see them well.

...

You know... It's funny. You've known Maja, what, a year?

Thereabouts.

Mm. Already the two of you sound like a married couple.

... Pfff. I mean, we're close, but...

I know, and it speaks to the bond you have, is what I meant. The way the two of you were bantering just there, it... I could tell, it just naturally flowed. It was comfortable.

You might not've noticed it yourself, but as long as I've known her, she's been a little... slow to trust, I suppose. Don't know why, and I've never asked, but she's just always been...

Cautious.

Mm.

Yeah, I've noticed. Nothing really wrong with it. She's a good judge of character, but... well, it's not always easy to judge someone's character at first. Sometimes takes time to learn who someone truly is inside, see the parts they don't normally show. I'm guessing she's had some bad experiences, so... she's just doing right by herself as she always does, is all.

Well, it sounds like you're... refreshingly upfront with her, going by what she's said in our correspondences. She trusts you.

It's certainly mutual. We talk quite a lot, actually. Recently realized it's sort of been a routine for a while now; we get half drunk on wine and just... talk. Talk about current events, our past, our beliefs, pretty much anything. All that booze is probably not the healthiest for us, but... eh. That's what healing magic's for.

Haa. That's sort of a tradition among our little group. End of a long day, we'll get drink and converse.

In any case, it's good to see things are going well here.

They are, they are...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Hm. Well, guessing Maja's going to be out there for a bit.

There's something I've been curious about for a little bit now. Mind if I ask a personal question?

Sure.

Somewhat bluntly?

Heh, sure.

Alright... And I mean no disrespect with this, I do actually have a few reasons for asking that I'll get to later, but... would I be correct in saying you were soldier in the Aldmeri Dominion?

... Ah... yes. Yes, I was.

Don't... tell Maja. I know about what happened with her mother, and it's... it's probably an irrational worry, but I don't want something like the Dominion or Thalmor coming to mind when she sees me. Don't want that awkwardness between us. But yes.

What gave it away, if I may ask? She's told me of your knack for figuring people out. Just curious what gave it away in my case.

Heh. I guess knack's a word for it. Mostly I just pay attention. Met a lot of people in my travels, learned to recognize certain traits.

In your case, there's a few things that tell me you were a soldier. I, uh... I honestly can't really... quite explain to all of what's giving it away to me, but there's a few things that I can. There's your posture, your body language. There's that certain... disciplined rigidity, careful calculated movements. You're relaxed, but you still move a certain way, move exactly the way you mean to. I can tell.

That stuff's drilled into you, not something that's easily unlearned or forgotten. Especially since you still adventure about, so you're still calling upon that same training. Most people probably wouldn't notice; you seem to move kind of gracefully anyway, so that would kind of... mask it. But I know what to look for, since I myself still move like that as well.

Then there's your scars, which look about as old and faded as most of mine. Now, that doesn't... necessarily mean anything; They could be recent and you've partially healed them with a spell or potion. Or they could be really, really old, but they just never really healed right. But I'll take it at face value and say they're as old as mine, which probably means the Great War.

And I have a good reason anyway to believe you were Dominion, and not in the Legion or what have you. There were a few Altmer in the Legion that I saw, but... --

-- What's the reason?

... *sigh*

Maja already knows. -- Well... she suspects, but that's close enough.

...

We both know that not a whole lot gets past her. She's known you much longer than I have, so I trust her judgement. Probably came to the conclusion more or less the same way I have, little details here and there. I've figured these things out on the spot here, somehow I doubt it's a stretch to think she's figured them out over the years she's known you.

Well... ... Hm. Well then. I... I guess I'll have to talk with her about that someday.

She respects people's privacy and she's obviously not bothered by the matter, so that's up to you if you want to broach the subject or let it be.

I know... It's a matter for another time, I think... Ah, as you were saying?

Mm. The final thing, and this is what confirmed it for me before you even answered the question: When I asked if you used to be a soldier, before you spoke, I could tell from your eyes that you were remembering. Your eyes had a... certain set to them, for those few brief moments I could see the unmistakable long stare of a soldier who saw the worst parts of war. And I recognized it so quickly because it's a stare I have as well. I look in the mirror and I can see every... every battle, every... long march and sleepless night, everything just staring back at me.

Sight of that stare's pretty much burned into my mind at this point.

Well then... That was very well done, I must say.

Thanks. Though part of that was just educated guesswork. Heh.

Accurate guesswork nonetheless. It's always good to keep one's skills well-practiced.

Hm. I suppose you're also curious about my time with the Dominion? And why I left?

Certainly can't deny that I am, it's one of the reasons I asked about your past with them. But that is entirely up to you if you want to talk about it.

Hmmm...

Tell you what. Not tonight, since I doubt Maja will be too much longer, and you can probably imagine that I have plans for her tonight. But tomorrow, she's heading out for a couple of days, so those two evenings we'll continue the tradition of... ah, what did Gharz call it... drunken soul-baring. Heh. I'll tell you my story, and in return I'd like to hear yours.

Deal.

... And that sounds like her footsteps, so that was good timing. I'll get out of your hair.

Heh. Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Key:

Regulus Clarius (Imperial)
Maja Hearthmaiden (Nord)
Aleri Sevoran (Dunmer)

-------

19 Rain's Hand, 4E 202.

I saw you talking to that little boy earlier, back in town. You're good with kids, you know?

I daresay motherly with them. You don't happen to have any children running around I don't know about?

Heh, nah. Just... I've always liked children, you know? Always... curious, full of energy. Uncomplicated. I mean, after all, I would know, I used to be a child myself.

Allegedly.

Pffff.

It is somewhat difficult for me to picture you as a child, to be fair. Aleri, I can, since she's young... - younger, let me just quickly dig myself out of that hole... -

Ha. I know what you mean, don't worry.

- Mm... - But with you, all I can see is just... I don't know, a midget version of you running around getting into all manner of shenanigans.

So, still a pain in the ass, just smaller.

That pretty much was me as a child, yeah. Heheh.

Heh.

Ahh...

Have you ever wanted children?

Ah... I did, once, back when I could.

Could?

Ah, I've never told you, have I?...

Hm... I was married, when I was younger. My husband, Thaerndal, was a guard in the village. Was the same place I grew up in, my father still lives there too.

Way out near the Jeralls?

Yeah. Not much we had to deal with but the occasional reckless bandit, or wild animal. As was the case here.

Absolutely feral boar came rampaging in one day. Was half starved, poor thing. It was desperate.

Thaerndal got bit. Nothing too serious, I uh... I had a grasp on some basic spellcasting by then, so I was able to heal him myself. No big deal. Now, he lost his father to Blood Rot some years prior, and where they were at the time they didn't have access to any medicines or healers, so... there was nothing to be done, sadly. From then on, when possible he always made sure he had some potions with him to cure diseases, would down one on the spot whenever he got bit by an animal or some such.

Sounds like good practice to me.

Indeed. Unfortunately, we only found out later that we'd recently gotten in a bad batch of one of the ingredients he used for his potions. The ones he had then were basically useless, but he... unfortunately wasn't as aware of the tell-tale signs when he made them as he is now.

We were trying for a child at the time. We'd been together for some years by then, felt we were ready. We... well, we tried that night of course.

I... I didn't think anything was wrong when the pain started the next day. It just so happened that it was around that time of the month for me, so... very unlucky timing, looking back. But at the time I didn't realize anything was wrong. Had no reason to think there was. I'd been through more painful ones.

It wasn't until he started feeling off too, and especially when my pain just kept going on, that we started to realize something wasn't right. Drank a couple of potions just in case, but again unknowingly they were the useless batch, so we still didn't get any better. We went to the local apothecary soon after.

She was quite experienced. The village was lucky to have her. She'd been studying the boar's corpse already, making sure it hadn't been crazed due to some disease or something that she'd need to make some specialized cures for. Turns out it was carrying a nasty form of Black-Heart Blight around.

That's... not fun, yeah. It come up from Cyrodiil or something?

Probably, we couldn't really find out. But Thaerndal was infected, then infected me. My... womb, especially. That's where the damage was.

We also then found out about his potions, so we quickly made some with a new batch of ingredients we were more certain were okay. Cured us just fine, Thaerndal recovered fine... but the damage to my womb at that point was... permanent. Ruined. Went by too long before we knew there was anything wrong, the whole time it was in there just...

...

...

I've been barren ever since. I still use the contraception magicks and elixirs, of course, but that's more for the sake of not catching another disease. My childbearing days were well and truly over, then and there.

Damn. Sorry to hear.

Yeah...

...

What happened from there?

We... I mean, we eventually got past it. Accepted it as just... one of those things, you know? Even eventually started talking about making some trips out to the main cities, look for any children up for adoption. But things between us later broke down. Wasn't really due to anything in particular, we just... sorta drifted apart, couldn't rekindle things. It was the first marriage for both of us, so that was an obstacle there, but... still. We were married for nearly six years, we had a pretty decent run, I think. Learned from it, grew up from it. We parted on good terms. Still get in contact every now and then, see how we're doing.

He's still back there, helps my father out with his store. Good men, both.

Afterwards, I... well, I wasn't exactly ready for another relationship yet at that stage. I thought I'd give being a bachelorette a try. I'd been sort of a... free spirit, when I was younger, so it was hardly unfamiliar territory. Ashra, an old, old friend of mine, was passing through. She and her parents traveled all around Skyrim, would pass through the area from time to time, so we've known each other since we were children. We were together on and off before I married Thaerndal, so after the break-up I rekindled things with her. Felt like old times again, heh...

I decided to go traveling with her for a time. It was kind of time for me to get out of the village, see more of the world. Will always love the place, of course, but...

It... it'd done its job, you know?

Mm.

It used to be home, but... that time had finally passed. It was time to stretch out, find my life elsewhere.

We later met Aleri on the road. Then Calindwe, Gharz, and a few other people over the years... we all grouped up, traveled around, doing assorted mercenary work. Actually made pretty decent coin with us all together, hauling in the tough jobs.

Not for the faint of heart, but it's definitely good money.

Mm. Got us on our feet, that's for sure.

Eventually our group disbanded over time. Ashra and her parents had some family problems back in Hammerfell they had to deal with, Gharz left with her, Aleri had some issues back at Solstheim. Was then just Calindwe and I for a time. But I'd told everyone I wanted to get set up here near Whiterun, put my share of the money to good use. So whenever any of us would feel like banding together again, I would always keep tabs on things so I could pass messages on, and they knew where to find me so we could all get together. Either to adventure about, or... just some fun for a night or two. We've all crossed paths again over the years.

Anyways... when the Civil War flared up, Calindwe decided to lay low. Too much Thalmor activity stirring things up, you'd hear of Altmer being attacked even if they weren't with the Dominion in any way...

... And uh... heh, she probably thinks I don't know, but... I have my suspicions she used to a Dominion soldier herself, maybe even Thalmor, but she got out of there. Probably not a good idea for her to run into them, so...

Anyways, here I am now. Did some more mercenary work, made some good investments here and there, got set up. I'm doing pretty well for myself, I think. Everyone's still alive, all going up and down and around Tamriel, but still stopping by from time to time. Aleri's of course been back and forth between here and Solstheim for a bit, poor dear, but things are settling down over there, so she'll be able to stay out here more often.

And I've well and truly made peace with my infertility. I'll never have children, and... I'm completely okay with that. I love this life, I love where I'm at. What we have, what we all have, it's...

...

It's uncomplicated. We're all friends at the end of the day, and we'll always have that. Just we're also something... slightly more. It works for me, at any rate.

I don't regret the married life one bit, and I'm not going to say I'll never marry again. Who's to know what life will bring? But for the foreseeable future at least... I'm quite happy where I am. I'm happy with this way of life. I'm sure Dibella is, Divines know the shenanigans we get up to.

Mm...

Well, for what it's worth, I think you would've made an excellent mother.

Thanks.

And I mean that sincerely. I've never been... particularly good with people, in general. But, as you know, I've always been good at insight, sizing people up on the spot.

I've been all over half of Tamriel myself, met a lot of people. Met a few... well, shady types, we'll say. Learned to spot them. And i can say with full confidence that you're... you're good people, you know? ...

... You both are. I hear you back there, Aleri.

Ha. By Azura, you recognize my footsteps now or something?

Heh, nope. Not yet, anyway. But you're walking around barefoot and Calindwe doesn't get here for a few more days, so... unless someone's broken in here with no shoes on, my guess is it's you.

Anyways, evening.

Evening.

Evening. Everything alright?

All's well, for now... I just got in. Good people, you say?

Heh. Yes. You're among the... very select few I can honestly say I would entrust my life to, and I know it's mutual. That's a powerful trust, not one given lightly.

...

We seem to have a habit of getting into deep, personal conversations when we're drinking, don't we?.

Yep. And so it shall continue. You know what I'm going to ask~.

If I ever wanted children?

Mm.

-- I mean, I know you tried with Gwenevere, I mean afterwards.

Ah... well, for a time I sort of did, but after a while... It's... ... At the time I was kind of dealing with my own issues, so it was pretty much the last thing on my mind for a while there.

Once I eventually started to pull myself together, I decide to go back to traveling. Figured I wasn't doing any good moping about doing nothing. Adventured about, made friends, sort of tried to establish relationships here and there, but...

Couldn't really make it work?

Yeah.

I just... never really connected with anyone, you know? Part of that was no doubt Gwenevere, but also part of it was me specifically not wanting a... a repeat of Gwenevere, if that makes sense. I didn't want to burden anyone with my baggage again. They were my issues and I was dealing with them. It was... perhaps somewhat self-defeating, but I wasn't in any state to deal with more heartbreak, so...

Anyways. The... that little twinge of desire, of longing, would pop in every now and then, nudging me towards settling down. But I just couldn't, uh... .... Even when I finally started to let my guard down, I kept thinking long-term when I could barely even bring myself to establish anything to begin with. Was getting ahead of myself. The problem was that it was... easy, with Gwenevere. Natural. I barely had to learn anything, how to... how to build up a relationship the hard way. We just naturally went together, you know? But now I was out of my element. I had to start from scratch, and I... just did not know how to.

Eventually, I pretty much... resigned myself to the situation. Figured I may as well just enjoy being a bachelor myself, enjoy what I could, and contemplate settling down when my head was working right and I had the patience to re-learn how... you know, how to people again. Heh.

And now, over twenty years later, I still don't know. Heheheh.

Haa.

Ah... anyways, I kind of got used to moving around, eventually. I rarely stayed anywhere for more than a few days unless there was work available. I've... never really had a problem with being on my own, per se. But having said that, trekking halfway across Tamriel by oneself can still be lonely in its own right. Was always nice encountering any sign of civilization. Usually meant taverns.

Which usually meant bonnie lasses looking to share a bed for the night?

Correct. And one doesn't generally go looking for people in a tavern with the expectation of a relationship to come out of it. We always understood; fun for the night, then move on. It made things... a little easier. Made the road a little more bearable. I was content.

I'd still get the feelings for more, from time to time, but... by that time I think it was less genuine personal desire, and more the memory of that desire. Echoes of nostalgia. Even when I started to stick around in places for longer and actually... actually started connecting with people again, I realized that I was finally... my head was out of the long-term, and I was finally able to just start from the beginning. And start over I did.

Still, nothing lasted more than a few months at a time. But I was finally trying again. It was nice having an actual modicum of... of closeness again...

...

...

You alright?

Yeah, just... heh, that last cup took its time to hit. That's what I get for downing the whole thing at once.

Anyways... Yeah. Nothing held for too long, but it was still something. Occasionally I'd just go back to being a bachelor for a time, but... either way, I made do, you know?

And eventually I just... I stopped thinking about any end goal. Stopped thinking about marriage or children. Way I saw it, I'd cross that bridge if and when I got to it, in the meantime I was happy just with the here and now.

And then I met you two, and... ... I'm pretty much in the same boat. I like this life too. It's... I don't know, unconventional to some, I guess. But it's still... intimate. Passionate.

Fun.

Mm... and we're close friends first and foremost. That's our... our foundation, that's where this all builds up from. That's why everything's so... good, when I'm with youse. What we have is good, and... as you said, it's uncomplicated. I can work with that. I was used to moving around all the time, but now... now I'm used to this. Heh...

Perhaps not the most stable situation to raise a child in. But having said that... I'm fifty-two. Now, I'm nowheres near too old to father a child, technically speaking. And I fully intend to live for a long, long time yet. But I... I am kind of getting on a bit, in a way. I'm certainly not getting any younger. I don't quite have the energy I did when I was younger. And nor do I have the longings.

I actually... don't think I really want children anymore, you know? I like this life, I like what we have. I'm happy the way things are. And as you said, one never knows what the future may bring... but I just don't... see myself being a father anymore. I had my time, my opportunity. It didn't work out. Continued to not work out. And here I am now, and it's a little late for all that.

And that's fine with me.

...

Anyways.

We finishing the bottle?

Might as well, we've gone through half already...

Heh. Aleri?

Yep, I'll go get a cup.

Ah, got one here, dear.

...

Heh, since we're here... what about you, Aleri?

Children? Ah...

Well, I, uh... I don't have much to say about it, I think. if and when I ever get married, I'll think about it then. Not in a rush.

Mm, good thinking.

...

...

And you know, it's... ... It's a nice thought. Children. Someone to carry on your legacy. Someone who'll remember you, and maybe even pass that memory down. Everyone wants to be remembered to some degree or another.

But having said that, I've never really been one for fame and glory. I'm not some... renowned warrior or respected author. I consider myself pretty competent at a fair few things, but... there's always someone better. Someone else making history.

What the Dragonborn's done for instance - still doing -, that'll keep the historians busy for quite some time. People like that, they're remembered for ages to come. But me, I'm... I'm not the one they write about. I'm not the one that gets remembered. Archeologists will probably just know me from old census records they dig up.

But that's fine. Because you know what, I've done a lot of good in my life. I've helped a lot of people throughout the years, various mercenary and guard jobs, clearing out bandits and getting people safely through dangerous regions. I've saved people's lives, Aleri of course case in point. The world is ever so slightly a better place for my having been in it, even if my actual involvement is forgotten. My legacy isn't in words or memories, but actions and situations, the status quo.

I may not've done a whole lot in the grand scheme of things. But I've still done what I could to make things better, and I intend to continue doing so until the day I die. That's not a bad legacy to leave behind, I'd say.

Indeed. To making things better, mm?

To making things better.

To making things better. And whatever we're doing in bed tonight.

I'll drink to that.

Feel free to shamelessly plug the shit out of this thing .

Key:
Regulus Clarius (Imperial)

-------

Key:

Regulus Clarius (Imperial)
Maja Hearthmaiden (Nord)
Aleri Sevoran (Dunmer)

-------

...

...

...

13 Rain's Hand, 4E 202.

...

...

...

*knock knock*

Regulus?

... Come in.

...

Morning.

Morning... are you okay?

Yeah... I was yelling again, wasn't I?

Screaming.

Screaming?

Mm... the bodies near Fort Sejanus again?

Yeah, same dream again. Guess Vaermina wasn't done the first time...

Seriously, I was screaming? ... Too much to ask that I didn't wake youse up, at least?

Just me. Aleri'd already gotten up a little bit ago.

Ah... well, sorry Maja.

It's fine... ... Are you sure you're alright? You look like you've barely slept.

Yeah. It was a... bit of a rough night...

Ah... I'm fine. I am fine. I've, uh... ... I've lived with these bad nights for almost three decades now. At least now it's just the occasional bad night, relatively speaking. You should've...

...

Heh. You should've seen me back in the day, when I was at my absolute worst. I was a very wretched sight to behold then, still a mess. Still am, I suppose, but... this? This I can handle, honestly. I would've killed for this back then.

...

... Can't honestly say that's a joke, either.

...

*sigh*

I am fine. Just... probably best I take it easy today. Got a pounding headache right now...

It's a nice rainy day outside, good an excuse as any to stay inside and not do much, mm?

Well, I need to head into Whiterun later to meet with the foreman, get everything finished up. But then the day's pretty much open for whatever after that. Since I'm up now... might as well start heading over. You want to come with?

I wouldn't mind a walk in the rain to help wake me up, yeah. I'll get geared up...

Same.

-----------------------------------------------------

Yeah, I'm thinking we're gonna be in here for a little bit.

At least everything's taken care of now, so... no rush.

Mm...

Us stuck in a cave while we wait out a storm. Now how's that for a familiar situation?

Heh, yup.

...

Hey, Regulus?

Mm?

Mind if I ask a... more personal question, since we're waiting?

Pff, we're still at those kinds of boundaries these days? Ask freely.

Heh. A more... delicate question, I guess would be a better way to put it.

I've always been curious, regarding the Great War. Rather, regarding the people in it, affected by it, and so on. I've just always... I'm always interested in hearing people's thoughts from that time, especially the time before the war. Their recollections and such. I was just an infant when the war ended, so... Solstheim's isolation notwithstanding, I was still essentially raised in the aftermath.

I... I guess I'm interested because it was such a different time back then, or so I've been told.

It kinda was, yeah. I'm sure things were quiet in Solstheim, and Divines know the mainland's no stranger to war, but... well, it's called the Great War for a reason. We hadn't had something of its magnitude for quite some time.

Well, my question to you... ... Do you ever regret fighting in the War?

Regret it?

Or... I guess another way of putting it; knowing what you know now, knowing how the fighting would affect you... would you still do it? Still enlist in the Legion, still go to war?

Hm... That's a good question, actually. Hm...

...

...

Against my better judgement, I'd have to say yes, I would.

I didn't enlist with delusions of grandeur or anything; I knew what I was getting into, more or less. I mean, nothing can truly prepare you mentally for that kind of thing, but... I still figured it wasn't going to be easy by any stretch of the imagination. But I knew I had to do my part. The Dominion are not a foe to leave unchecked.

All heroics aside, I knew what I was in for and I knew it had to be done. But, if there's one thing I do regret...

Gwenevere?

Gwenevere.

Look, I'm a big boy, I can take care of myself. I knew then that the war would probably do my head in if I managed to survive it, I don't regret that per se. But I do regret how my behaviour because of it then affected her, if that makes sense.

I...

*sigh*

...

... She put up with so damned much from me. I mean, Divines bless her for her compassion, she understood the state I was in, gods know we were both trying so hard to pull my mess together. We thought we could make it work, you know? About to be married, we were trying for a child, we were saving up so we could move out of our shack, we...

... We thought it would focus me, finally get my mind off the war, and it... it seemed for all the world like it would've, it seemed like I was actually getting better. I was so... happy. We were happy. But then I just... got worse, and worse, and... I guess I wasn't really getting better in the first place, I was just deluding myself because I wanted to believe it could work. And finally I couldn't be there mentally for her anymore, and everything just...

...

It wasn't fair to her, you know? She chose to put up with my baggage for so long, but it still wasn't fair to her, she deserved better than that, better than me. And by the Nine I hope she did find someone good for her when we broke off. But I will always regret putting her through that.

You two, you're lucky, you've never seen me like I was back then. It's taken me the longest time to get back to some... basic semblance of normalcy. The depression, the anger, the hallucinations... I've had them all. I still have issues, this morning case in point. But I used to be worse, and Gwenevere bore the brunt. That is what I regret about fighting in the War.

...

...

... Heh. Suppose it's fitting. Today's the 13th, isn't it?

It is. Why?

Day of the Dead, back in Daggerfall. Obviously a long ways from here, but... well, ghosts of the past haunting us now, still sort of the same concept...

....

Anyways...

Anyways.

Anyways. Heh.

Rain's backing off a bit, looks like. Think we'd best get moving while we can.

...

...

And that was the last time I ever saw her.

...

...

... They never recovered the body?

No, they... they did. Brought it back, father helped bury her. I... stayed home. I never saw her body, I never...







I didn't want to see her like... that. I knew she was dead, I wasn't in denial about that. I knew she was gone.

I guess I just didn't want to... tarnish the memory, you know? I wanted to at least hold onto that.

Mmm. I know the feeling.

She wasn't really one for trinkets - exceptions for the little things my father made of course. All things considered, I... didn't really have much physically to remember her by. This amulet was hers; my father's a devoted Dibella worshipper and mother joined in later on, he made the amulet for her. But that's about it. We kept her uniform and weaponry, but they didn't really mean anything to me, they were just her tools of war, it wasn't her. This is her to me, and my memory is her, and that's all I really have.

...

I don't know, sometimes i wonder if I should've been there, at the burial. Should've seen her. Given her those final respects...

Either way, I don't think anyone could really blame you; hard enough losing a parent as an adult, let alone a child who's only ever known a life with them.

I do think your mother would've wanted you to do what's right for yourself first and foremost. If that means holing up in a little personal space for yourself so you can process everything, so be it. The War broke a lot of us.

*sigh* I know... Still.

Mm. Still.

...

I try not to think about it, for that very reason. Hate getting stuck in the loop of, uh... of "what if?", you know? "Should I have?". It's a little late at this point to do anything about the past. But it's been on my mind all day, so...

Sounds like you needed to get it off your chest, then.

True... I am feeling a little better about it now, talking about it. I've told the others a little bit over the years, but... not everything. Never really wanted to talk about it all that much.

But, it seems it was something I needed to talk about, then.

So... thanks for hearing me out.

No worries.

...

And... Hm... Well, for what it's worth, don't forget I was reassigned to General Jonna's detachment when everyone linked up. Who was your mother, out of curiosity?

Aelis Hearthland. Why, did you know her?

Name doesn't ring a bell, no. But it is entirely possible I fought alongside her without knowing who she was.

In any case, I bring this up because I got to see firsthand how you Nords fight. You make them tough up here, I gotta give you that. You just would not go down. I saw a man, had... six... I think seven arrows sticking out of him, and a mage had speared his arm with an ice spike. Some of the arrows looked like they'd hit vital organs. He was bleeding out, he was dying, and he knew it.

He still kept going. He was putting every last measure of strength he had into fighting, into taking as many Dominion soldiers down with him as he could. And he did; he put down three more after I got to him and incapacitated a fourth before finally collapsing. I walked over and finished off the fourth for him... more of a gesture than anything, he was bleeding out fast and I was too spent to heal him. But it was still a final... a final something for him.

And pretty much all the Nords I saw were like that. They were beaten and battered this way and that, and they held steadfast. The Dominion soldiers fleeing the Imperial City could do little more than crash upon our shields like ocean waves on a cliffside, before being cut down like wheat.

And I have no doubt your mother went down fighting just the same. She was fighting for you, for your lands, for everything. We were all fighting for everything, if we lost the war then that was it, that was the show, there wouldn't even be the Concordat to keep the peace. We'd just be subjugated and slaughtered like cattle. It'd be the Ayleids all over again.

However your mother died, if she was even half the warrior that it sounds like she was, she would've gone down hard. She would've gone down fighting. She would've well and truly earned her place in Sovngarde.

There's a lot of things in life I'm uncertain of, and... will probably go to my grave with no more certainty than I have now. That's just life, really. But I'm pretty sure your mother died well.

Again, for what it's worth.

It's worth a lot to me... thanks.

...

...

...

Anyways. It's dark out. And chilly. Let's get inside and warm up before we catch frostbite or something.

Heh. Your bed or mine?

Yours. My room doesn't have a fireplace.

You alright?

Yeah. I'm good now.