Am I becoming insane ?

[Dovakeks]

Hey there Loverslab Community,

 

I have something to tell and I would like you to read it. Okay, so here it begins:

 

I hate my life. Why do I hate my life ? I can't stand it, because I hate myself the most. I am 22 years old, and have depression. I have this depression for a good amount of years now, and it keeps getting worse. When I was a teenager, I often was alone at home and played video games. Back then it didn't bother me that much, because I didn't have that many friends and hardly did anything. (Like going on parties and stuff) I also never drank alcohol, smoked or did any drugs. But where does the hate all come from, you may ask. Well it started, when I decided I didn't want to be alone anymore, and go out and have fun. Well it wasn't that fucking easy apparently. I tried to get up and call some friends, so I could go to a bar or something with them. I couldn't do that. I couldn't do that. It didn't happend, because something held me down. Something pinned me down, and I couldn't get up. It enraged me every time. It just filled me with anger and sadness. Often the sadness then won and I just cried on my floor and couldn't get out of my room. One day though, my anger went to rage and then to real hate for myself. I just didn't give a shit anymore. I started to go to parties. A lot of parties. I didn't even think straight for awhile, or didn't even think at all. I then made a lot of friends. I started to train my body, so I just wasn't some skinny guy from somewhere. Like I just changed myself, I trained myself also, so I can talk better to people and be more open about stuff. It was great, I smoked a lot (cigaretts) and drank even more alcohol. I could take all of it. But it didn't end there. I just couldn't fill myself with happiness. I just became even more filled with hate, and hunger. Hunger for more. More alcohol, more fun, more adrenaline pushed into my veins, more of life. It rushed into my head, that I need to do more. It never was enough. So then there I was, a whole new me. Now I was the one who almost knew everybody, the one who was invited to every party, the one who was often the middle of everything. But people liked me, because I was funny, and very nice and patient. I always was listening to everybody what they had to say, and always knew what I needed to say. That was a talent I got from my mom and dad. I could always talk to people, and make them like me. Well anyway, nobody actually knew, that I all did this in the first place, because I hated myself.... that I actually keep all the hate for me and never let it out. Well now, because of all that hate not only good things, like a lot of friends, happend, no I also did a few things, that weren't very nice. I ditched almost all of my old friends, because they where not cool enough. I was the cool kid now, you know ? I had to be around people, that were as cool as me. I was an ass to them and sometimes to my family too. I'm probably not a very good son. Anyway, when I was at home from all the parties, my depression came back to me like poison in my veins. It drove me crazy. I cried almost all night and if I managed to go to sleep, I had nightmares. Then in the morning I was awoken with rage in my heart, and I went on again. But maybe you would think, that some time there will be an end to all of it, right ? That I can't drink more alcohol, and party even more. Yeah you were right, somewhere there is the line. I'll get to that later. All of this was when I was like 18 to 20 years old. In just 2 years, I got what I wanted. I was the popular kid, I was having fun every day and got drunk. But then the end of the line came. I couldn't get a girlfriend, because I was fucking depressed all the time. I couldn't make the next step, I was always pinned down. So till now I never had sex with anyone, but I also don't long for it. I somehow just feel... empty when it comes to it. So then I realized, that I found my end of the road. Something like snapped then in my head. Darkness surrounded my heart. I didn't see hope anymore for me. My hate and obsession with life was overflooded with sadness. I felt like drowning. So then day after day, week after week, I became more depressiv and started to think how I could end my life. I ofted wandered the streets and looked at the stars with my teary eyes. I asked myself if thats all life would have in store for me and why was I so differntly wired. Why was I always like this ? I was on the ground again, and I couldn't get up. I had dreams, how I shot myself in the head. Every time I pulled the trigger in my dreams, I woke up, soaked in sweat. I couldn't think straight anymore, even when I tried. I was like in a daze. My brain was totally clouded.

One day came though, that changed my life situation. I was supposed to meet with a few friends to go party somewhere. One of my very good friends, took his best friend with him. That was the time I met one of the most beautiful girls in my life. She was so pretty, that I almost felt paralyzed from her elegance. I could get a hold of myself though, and talked to her. She was a very sweet girl, and she had her head on straight. So I'll fast forward now a little.  

Every time I met her, I felt... free. My anger just.. faded. So we became good friends later on. And still to this day, every time I am with her, everything else becomes unimportant. But I didn't love her and she didn't love me. We discussed it a lot and just went with being just friends. We still are good friends till this day. 

 

Anyway hey, I can't write a lot anymore, or it will probably never end. And I'm getting tired.

Now I'm 22, and I feel awful. I can't drink that much anymore, because I lost the taste for it. I smoke a lot of cigarettes and they make me feel sick. My depression came back a lot worse. I sometimes don't even have the desire to eat anything, eventhough I am hungry. I can't sleep normally anymore. I sleep to long or to short. But it doesn't matter, I'm also still just as energyless as how I went to bed. I'm so tired.

 

I didn't come here for your help or advise, I just wanted to share a small story about a part of my life. I still ask myself why I'm so differntly wired in my brain, or maybe I just have a brain disfunction, where it puts too much of the same chemical in my head. Hey anyway, I'm drunk again, and I can feel the depression crawling to me again. I'm still good friends with that one beautiful girl. If it wasn't for her, I'd probably would have finished myself off already. I tried to go to a doctor, to get help. I also was in a loony bin for 1 and a half weeks. Then they let me go again. Ha, that was a shitty time.

Oh well, I should stop rambeling.

Thank you to everyone for taking the time to read this. I'm sorry it got a little long. And am I becoming insane ? Haha, maybe. Maybe I'm already crazy. Either way that was everything for today from me.

 

Bye bye everyone now. Thank you Loverslab for being the community that welcomes idiots like me to come here and just vent. Never told anybody else how I felt. 

[Cthugha99]

am I becoming insane ?

 

Probably more more then the rest of us

 

Thank you Loverslab for being the community that welcomes idiots like me to come here and just vent

 

Well us weirdos, perverts^*,  etc, need some where to meet

 

^*based on some of the mods on this site

[Wolborg]

It is quite clear what your problem is, but since you don't want any help or advice I just wrote to thank you for wasting several minutes of my time.  ;-)

 

[Dovakeks]

Yes Wolborg, I am sorry that you went through all the trouble to read my post. Maybe I wasted your time, but you didn't have to read it now, did you ? So still thank you for reading my post, and your feedback. Hope you can spend some other minutes better, then reading my post. 

[Myst42]

>I'm insane

We're all mad here mr crazypants. Welcome to the jungle

>I'm depressed

"boo hoo" Have you any idea how many people are depressed just like you and some of them even worse because life sucks, parents didnt like them, they hate themselves, the world hates them or doesnt understand how unique and special they are and blah blah blah?

Got news for ya. The world sucks. That's just how it is. Now DEAL with it

>b... but..

Seriously. I've been depressed too and I know eeeeveryone has their own reasons to be depressed. But you know what? over the course of my life i've seen people with REAL reasons to be depressed. Harsh childhood, raped by parents, growing up from foster home to foster home... and somehow sometimes, even the worst of them, manage to get their lives on track

Now whenever you see yourself as an emo kid who is sad because he's different... remember those people. There are folk with REAL problems that deals with it. So why can't you?

>I'm so special and sad and dark and and...

Nope. As sad and dark as you are... look at this place. It's full of dark sad people and somehow we find each other in this insane world. In the end, we are ALL alone, and that's what brings us together.

However special you are, there's always someone who is just like you, and you probably havent found them yet.

>Insanity is a serious condition

Yeah, but you can either deal with it or be drowned by it. Most mental health conditions can be traced back to a single origin. All people with issues have a traumatic story of something like abuse or bad parenting etc... lesser cases even have trouble dealing with rejection from others because "they are different".

Whatever that origin is, it always has a solution. It's either acknowledging the problem and reprogramming one's own mind to deal with it, either "Ok my parents sucked - So what? I just had back luck, it doesnt mean anything else. Doesnt mean the universe hates me and I have some kind of epic story of being a martyr. It just means they sucked. I and no one else decides my fate, my luck is from now on, mine to control and not determined by my past shitty parents"; or if its a biological condition, you can always use prescripted medication.

However the key resides in owning to it. Taking charge and blowing everything else to hell. Nobody is a victim if they are brave enough to take control of their own lives.

>This world...

Is insane yeah. Suck it up. God knows I have FUCKTONS of anger too (And yes, I said "god knows". It's just an expression. I know you're also an atheist, I dont care. I kind of am one too in a sense, and this is SO NOT about that, so nobody cares if you believe in nothing, a flying spaghetti, darth vader or the second coming of raptor jesus). But we can only hope to deal with it, hopefully for the better.

Sometimes, the world feels empty because you've seen too much of the same shit everywhere

Maybe you have, maybe you're just looking in the wrong places

I like to believe this universe is a big place and it would be ridiculous to thing I've seen all of it

When people find empty in everything, it's usually because they are feeding on empty impressions. Adrenaline, alcohol, drugs... IMHO what could be more empty than that?

This world is fucked up yeah... but we have a power that most pple dont acknowledge. And that is the power of CREATING our own corner of the world according to our own kind of crazy. Some people imagine hell for them, and that's exactly where they will spend their lives.

 

You know what makes ME angry these days?

Emo kids.

Emo kids everywhere

You have NO IDEA how many times i'fe seen the EXACT SAME POST/RANT/FEELING in someone.

This kind of emotional sickness is a fucking pandemia. (Also a symptom of what's actually wrong with world)

And I get it

They feel "special"

I feel "special" too

Guess what.

EVERYONE is special

Everyone is different

Everyone has a different path in life

Will you accept the challenge to find yours, grow a pair and man up, or you will cry in a corner forever and be a whiny bitch?

 

Sincerely. An Old One

Best of lucks and goodbye

[Dovakeks]

Hey there Msyt42,

 

firstly, thank you for your response. I appreciate it. I'm sorry that you had depression too. 

Yeah I'll think about what you posted. I don't totally agree with you on what you said, but I'll think about it.

 

Well anyway, I don't really see myself as an "emo kid". I mean it's not like I sit in the corner the whole day and write some weird shit in an notebook, or whatever they do.(Nevermind I looked up what emo kids do, or what defines an emo kid) Sometimes I actually enjoy life, like when I'm with my friends.

I mean yeah, I almost think about it every day, that there are other kids out there that had it a lot worse than me. They had/have much more serious problems then me. I often think to myself, "why the hell am I so depressed then. I could have had it a lot worse."

I agree with you there, but isn't it like the same logic when you are happy all the time ?

"I'm happy, but somewhere out there is a person, who is happier. Maybe I'm not so happy after all. "

Or am I just getting it wrong what you are saying ? 

 

Ah but whatever, don't reply. I'll just figure it out myself.

Have a good one.

[balth]

Depression sucks. I deal with it too. You'll have to deal with it for the rest of your life.

 

But there are ways to make dealing with it easier. Depression is an illness in the same way that a flu is an illness. Go see a doctor - but be aware that you may have to go through a few doctors until you find one who helps you the way you need to be helped. Find out, via your doctor, what medications can help you. Exercise more, eat healthily and try to develop a healthy sleep schedule (that's the part I find hardest).

 

Depression is a brutal illness and can be terminal, but it doesn't have to be. If you don't seek help and don't try to manage it, your only options will be leaving angsty messages on forums full of pervs like us or giving up and fading away.

 

I know you weren't seeking advice, but I'm giving it anyway.

[Darkpig]

I read like half of it. Sounds a lot like depression to me. Life is a pain in the ass with no real purpose but move forward. Make yourself physically better, try to exercise even if just a little, eat healthy, see if there is medicine that can help. Find a goal even if a silly and work towards it. Listen to metal music on stressful days- Sincerely

 

Another insane person

 

P.S. lets burn the world together sometime. Just you and me.

[Dovakeks]

Hey there balth and Darkpig. Thank you for responses. @balth Yeah I know that I didn't seek advise, but I appreciate it non the less. So thank you for that too.

I'm thinking about what you two said, and I'll try to do it. I have to probably. Anyway thank you again for your responses and opinion on the matter.

Have a good one you two.

[Gappy]

Reading the op felt like I was back in the misc forums on bodybuilding.com for a sec there.

[kruse170]

Hey mate, I can feel your pain, I'm also depressive (and 22, lol)

I already tried to kill myself, going in therapy for the fifth time next year.

Nobody expects you to do this all by yourself, you should go in therapy, and try to work on your problems. Don't get me wrong therapy is not a miracle-healing-thing. You have to WANT it. It won't work, if you don't want it.

And about that girl, don't make yourself too dependent on others, that never ends well (from my experience).

But it's good, that you cry (seriously, crying is a good thing).

 

Anyway, I hope you get better soon

[Guest]

I went (generically speaking) with your post and the responses, fascinated except I disagree with almost all of it.

I can do that, right?

I just do it so damn badly I'll get called on it.

O well.

Admit your love for the girl. Whether you ever tell her is your business.

No one taking the time to read it should have castigated you for writing it, because that's what this place is for (I think; anyway I'm sticking with that for the length of this entry).

If it made you feel better, great.

The depressing part is yet to come, when your love tells you how much she loves the new guy (or girl), and could you please leave so she can prepare for her hot date.

You'll never find someone as good as her, don't try, but you'll find different people. Try not to compare them too much to her.

Stay home (or not), but keep communicating.

It'll never be perfect, but life never is.

[Clearoi]

In my opinion: you were changing yourself to get "friends", those friends didn't make you happy because they are like made up friends. Your depressions came back, what I can recommend you is to show your true face, if you are angry and cry cause you can't do something is probably because you have the fear it doesn't work if you try. What you really need to do is stop drinking alcohol and avoiding weed since it can break in while having depressions.

 

You need a girl that you love, that you approach with your true face. Get trusted, tell her your depressions and it will be alright. If you have a problem and you can't find the solution go for the cause.

 

I wish you good luck, you need to do something not sitting and waiting for something to happen

[arpaschad]

sooo...you're not suicidal right?

[QuiteTheTail]

I read the op (all of it).

I'm not writing this for advice or something, I am only surprised (probably because of my ignorance). I always thought depression carried with it some form of passivity and indifference to the outer reality, but from your tale transpires an extroverted person with a strong will. I wish I'd be able to change my habits and attitudes that easily as you describe, but that's matter for another topic.

 

I wonder, your depression has been self-diagnosed? Have you seen a doctor?

 

As for self-hate, well... I'm also a member of the club so I think I know what you mean. On the other hand I think a *reasonable* amount of self-hate is perfectly fine and... heathy. People who are practically in love with themselves are the exception to the rule, and are those who have the biggest problem, IMO. It's very difficult to get along with them. Assholes, it's what I call them.

[ANGRYWOLVERINE]

Why do you think you are different ? There are millions like you.Heck I am like you.I was a loner.Met someone.Got married and had kids.She died and now my kids are grown and gone and I am a loner again.

You obviously need a psychologist/therapist to help you cope emotionally and to build yourself up.You need to be on antidepressants so you need a psychiatrist.

You have to decide if you want to get better or not.If you do you need to do as I suggest.If you don't I am sorry but it is likely you won't survive..

I am not being mean.

i am being realistic.

 

Good luck.

[Blackhearted]

I'm too lazy to read all that but if you're human, you were likely already insane when you were born so try not to worry about it too much.

[BlackBlackBlackberry]

There seems to be a  general trend in the responses that have been received in this thread that I didn't think were really all that helpful. 

 

As valid as these points is, I feel I owe it to the OP (and his mental health) to say:

 

Just because there are people in the world who read in the same position doesn't mean that we should be desensitized to the problem'ed individual who came to us to share his/her personal situation. Can you imagine if a close brother/sister/kin expressed at least mild contemplation of suicide, and the aloof response that that person gets is, "There are people in the world who are like you. You're not f**king special, bub! Learn to deal with it yourself, or pass away an easy death and be done." (In fact, if I remembered correctly, I don't think the OP ever called himself special; at least not directly where deeper interpretation is required.)

 

I can completely empathize with just how horrible it was for the OP when he came here to vent out something that has been building up in him; only to be met with a non-assuring "get over yourself" attitude. Already, I feel a little depressed and down myself, because I really don't think that's what he needs.

 

On the other hand, I can also understand that this responder is 'angry at the world' and 'depressed' her/himself; as she/he admits to this. Obviously, he/she too needs time and space to work things out for him/herself. I would think that aligning together to express inter-support would be the better productive route to take, rather than angrily dismissing the other just because he/she has heard of the problem so many times.

 

Now, I'm guessing I probably won't be treated well by said angry responder for saying this, but this was my 2-cent; so, there you go.

[Barazzon]

Howdy! I know I'm late to post here. I've read the original post and all the responses, and they're really surprising! I didn't know the LL community cared that much.

But anyway . . .

I know where you're at, bro. I've actually done some of the same things as you. I'd had severe mental disorders all my life. Although I was ignorant then, and didn't understand what I was feeling. I just figured (much like yourself) that I was different than everybody else in a bad way. I kept that to myself for the longest. I had no friends until I was a freshman in high school. I had so much trouble just communicating with people that I knew. Most of my classmates just avoided me because I was weird. I don't want to talk about it in detail, because just like yourself, if I did, I'd be writing forever, but I went through some very traumatic experiences as a child. I was already especially fragile in the head, and afterwards, I wasn't the same. Even though the experience itself was bad, I can't pretend like it was the end of the world. I was weak, and I know that. My weakness is what caused me to slip. I was a little boy with a textbook case of a dozen severe disorders.

Btw . . . I know you said you didn't come here for help, but if you made this post just to vent, then I can reply to do the exact same. If this post happens to help anyone, then that would be awesome!

 

I've always been  conscious of how people use the word insanity. You were pretty comfortable using it yourself. You talked about severe depression and feeling hopeless and feeling . . . stuck. Like no matter what activity you got into, nothing made you feel any better. I'm almost jealous. If I had been half as vocal as you a few years ago, I'd have gotten better so much faster . . . . But when I say I was traumatized, I really mean it. There was a point in my life where I was so low that I forgot my own name. I lost all sense of my identity - gender, race, age, everything. I felt like the shadows at the bottom of an abyss. Like I was too low to ever climb back up into normalcy. Too low for anyone to reach me. At first, I hated everyone. I hated my family, my classmates, my community . . . my hatred extended to all of humanity. I was a kid who was wrestling with things like self worth and God. I can understand the lack of belief in Him among the people reading this, but you don't need to believe in Him to understand what I have to say. (although it definitely doesn't hurt XD).

Eventually, I figured out that other people weren't the problem. Even if there wasn't a single person in my life who attempted to reach out to me at the time, I had this sense that I shouldn't be blaming my pain on everyone else. That's so stupid. It doesn't ever lead you anywhere good. So the coin was flipped, you could say. Somehow, I learned to accept other people entirely, but I developed an intense self hatred. I didn't understand why I was feeling what I felt. I couldn't fathom why I was different. And before anymore "everyone's different" shots are fired at me, I didn't think that way out of self pity. It was an honest assessment. I went through these . . . violent flashes. That's the best term for them. The way I saw it, other kids went home after school when they had finished their homework and played games, or hung out with their other friends. When I got home for school, I locked myself in the bathroom. There were a few times that I remember banging my head on the floor like a lunatic. My flashes were pretty intense. They lasted between thirty minutes to three hours. They used to be once every few months, but at the time they became more and more frequent - once every few weeks, once every few days, a few times a day. There was this searing pain, and this awful hatred would fill me up inside. I remember feeling confused and pretty helpless (part of the reason I regularly locked myself  in the bathroom). It wasn't some kind of emotional backlash from anything I'd ever done in my life. The hatred I felt didn't even feel like my own. And through the duration of these episodes, I'd witness the flashes. I saw myself screaming like a lunatic and tearing people apart barehanded in sickening detail . . . When the episodes would leave me I remember being so terrified of the things I saw that I didn't want to speak to anyone. So I stopped talking almost altogether. I mean, I still answered questions like "how are you doing", and "how was your day" - cheap questions that you and I hear all the time that people say just to be polite. I always answered with a "fine". But other than that, I withdrew from the world around me. From day to day, I'd wake up, pray (I prayed a lot, not because of my circumstance, though. I guess I just always prayed a lot.) close the door to my room and suffer quietly, go to school (and put my headphones in whenever possible (music was one of my only material aids throughout these years of my life)), come home, and work on homework. Whenever I wasn't working on homework, I was by myself in little rooms where no one could see me break down. And when I wasn't doing that, I wrote excessively. I wrote everything from stories about the future, to my own thoughts about myself and the world around me.

That's where my depression came in. I'm not entirely sure how most people develop depression. But I brought it on myself on purpose. I was so terrified of myself during the violent flashes that I thought of everything I could think of that was sad. I fathomed all the ways that I was less than everyone else. I did my best to force myself to be sad, because severe depression in my eyes is a dozen times better than what I had been going through. This is about when I lost my sense of who I was. This is when I felt as low as you do. If not worse. I was just a kid. Twelve or thirteen. And one day, I found myself sitting in my room with the door closed and an open pocket knife in my hand. I have never been afraid of death at any point in my life. Even as someone who believes in a heaven and a hell. Death has never  bothered me. It didn't even phase me when I was a child learning how to speak. I had such low self esteem that I figured I was a burden to the world around me anyway. I remember holding the edge on my throat and thinking if I sneezed, my life would be over. I wasn't going to leave a note to my family, or anyone. I know it's irrational, but I was so low then that I made myself believe if I said anything to them, I'd only continue to be a burden. Somehow, I had convinced myself that if I was out of the picture, my family would be better off. There is a story behind that, but this is already much more than I intended writing, and I hope to wrap this up soonish.

The point is, I was absolutely going to do it. I wasn't afraid of death, and I truly hated myself.

And something stopped me. Obviously, I'm going to say it's God. I can't make any of you believe me, but that's what happened. I remember gripping my knife even tighter in preparation, and then feeling like something was leaving me. I stopped feeling angry and sad. I wasn't happy, either. I was just numb. So I put the knife away and told myself I'd do it another time. This happened two other times.

 

Not too long afterward, I felt myself getting closer to God. As a believer, my fix-all-problems solution for you is God. You talked about feeling empty inside, and only God can fill that void. Laugh at me if you want, but I bet my life on it. He is absolutely the answer to everything. But not everyone believes that which means not everyone will understand, nor listen if I speak about what it means to be a child yearning for God and being met with suicidal tendencies.

So this is the simple version of how I changed.

 

I had this realization one day about all the people around me. At the point we're at in my story, I'd been depressed for almost two years. I'd gone from hating everyone in the world, to learning (it wasn't easy) to love everyone excluding myself. And it dawned on me that if put in the same situation, most of the people that I knew would have acted the same way as me. They would have hated either the world, or themselves. They would have been terrified of their own thoughts. They would have suffered just as bad. I saw that I didn't know anyone who, if faced with the same problems would have really opened up about their life so they could get help. God said to me that mankind is so frail. We try and make ourselves seem solid and tough like brick walls when we're around people. It's so easy to find yourself being one person when you're in front of others, and another person when you're on your own. I did that. You did it. Being open and expressing yourself is so difficult to do, especially when you're going through something serious in your life. It almost goes against our nature. If we were all open and expressive, then we probably really would all be like brick walls. But, He ("He" is God) told me that is not the case. He said that mankind is really more like glass. Some people, like yourself, are more see-through. Some people, like me, are more opaque like ceramic. But regardless of how transparent you are, when faced with these huge issues like depression, we all shatter. Everybody reacts the same way. If we can, we try to find something to occupy our minds. Yours was smoking and drinking and partying. Mine was writing. I wrote stories every day. I wrote until my wrists were fatigued. Other than listening to music, writing was the only thing I enjoyed because I was able to control the world I created unlike the one I lived in.

 

 

I've written a lot, I know. But if anyone is even still reading this, the answer to your question is no. If you are insane for reacting the way that you have, then I am beyond insane. It also means that everyone on the planet is out of their minds. I understand that you're Depressed. But you have to look at yourself differently, because there is a way out. And it's a little tough, but it's absolutely worth it. If I could get better when I was just a kid, then you can as well. Especially since, I was fighting psychotic tendencies as well as Depression, and you didn't say anything about violence.

 

But it's like this: What kind of things go through your mind when you're Depression hits the hardest? See, I eventually figured out that Depression (not just for me, but for everyone) is actually a lot like my own violent flashes. Remember how I said I was so angry for no reason? It was almost like experiencing someone else's emotions. Depression is the same way. When the actual disorder hits (not the emotion, the disorder. Depression with a capital letter, not lower case), I'd start to think less and less rationally. When my Depression hit the hardest, I was telling myself that I was less than human. I wanted to convince myself that somehow everyone else was just naturally better than me. I also wanted to believe that I'd never get better.

When you start to think that way, take a step back. Really think things through. In my case, I'd stop what I was doing and see that if I was really being honest, I knew that I was just a guy like everyone else. Even with my afflictions, I'm still human. And that all humans are equal. We feel the same kinds of emotions, and we respond in very similar ways to adversity. I was told that God doesn't put anyone in a situation that they can't overcome. I don't know if people will laugh at me for saying that or not, but I do know that I bet my life on that. I talked to Him. He told me that my life would never get worse than it was at that moment. So I figured I had nothing to lose. If I was wrong, if there was no God, or if I couldn't get better, then I'd just go back to my chair with my knife, which is what I was going to do anyway. So I gave it a shot.

Fighting Depression is an exercise. Whenever you hear your Depression talking, all you need to do is argue with it. Prove it wrong. If yours ever told you that you've never done any good in your life, then think back to the best things you've ever done, and so forth.

That's how I recovered. Originally, I was a little kid who had known these disorders his whole life. Then a certain traumatic event, and afterwards, it was like all of my disorders grew out of control. Initially, I hardly fought it. I didn't even know that a person could get better. But I figured out what I have told you now. And now, I am starting my life free from all of those things. I applied exactly what I told you to each of my afflictions. Unlike what I had been made to believe all my life, not only can someone get better, but they can be entirely free. I no longer have Depression. I haven't had any violent flashes in a long time. The rest of them will go unnamed because

A: I think you understand what I'm saying

and

B: One or two of them didn't even have names yet

 

 

I, also met a young woman who changed things for me. When I made friends for the first time in my life, they helped me accept myself. They showed me that I am valuable. Shortly after meeting them, my condition improved greatly, but I was still holding on to a lot of pain in my life. This young woman that I met did the exact same thing as the one you spoke of. Whenever I am around her, I feel no pain. I'm not angry, or upset about anything. Even after my recovery, I was still the most pessimistic person I knew. But she really stepped in and changed me. I've let go of my past now. I'm neither afraid nor ashamed of myself. I have never been so optimistic or hopeful in my life as I am now. Feels like in these past few years, I've just begun to live.

 

Anyway, God bless, friend.

[the_mess]

Parties won't make you feel better. Drinking wont make you feel better. Smoking can.. for a few minutes. 

 

It seems you FORCE yourself to do all this partying, going out with "friends" and drinking. This is not going to make you feel better and out of the depression. 

 

You should take the things slow. Forcing the events like that only makes you feel even worse because your mind is not ready for it yet and you feel bad, because even if you don't realize it, you are out of your place, you don't belong there.

 

I have been in such situation. Tried to force the things, it's not working this way, you should become a loner again and slowly build up your mind to what you want to achieve. And forget about the "cool" kids, they are dumb and total scum, judgemental and what not. Try to find friends among the outcasts, the odd ones. They don't require you to be "cool" just to feel like one of them and you already do. Things will get better but its slow and painful process. You won't heal after going straight to parties, drinking and hanging around "cool" guys. These things can't fill the void in your soul. You need.. hm.. lets say "warm" people around you. The types who go to parties are not like that.

[peculiaris]

Well...

 

I don't know if its just me but I have a lot of control over my behavior... When i feel i'm becoming depressed I just stop it.

Maybe I'm just so much in control or you should step up your game!

[Bazinga]

 

And I get it

They feel "special"

I feel "special" too

Guess what.

EVERYONE is special

Everyone is different

https://youtu.be/jVygqjyS4CA?t=29

 

Sorry, couldn't resist.

 

@ OP:

What makes you think you're special? You don't seem special, just the regular type that needs to be around people 24/7 to not feel like shit. Get a girl, marry her and have kids. Do that and all your problems will go away since you will be too busy for any more useless navel-gazing.

[naral]

i suffer of depression too and actually it is something that runs in my family and i have many friends and close persons that suffer from it too (we found one another at a certain point in our lives).

 

is it madness? no ofc. depression comes from various reasons but mostly from traumas or a generic "suffering of living", my depression is of the second kind and for a good part of my life i was even ashamed of it knowing that i had really nothing to complain about compared to many other less fortunate peoples.

A few years back i realized what is the root of my depression, why i didn't really care of anything, why everything was empty and so on. The reason is longing: longing for something that seemed stupid when i was younger and that anyway isn't in my power to achieve.

 

long story short: we that suffer of depression are more emotional, many have above average awarness of themselves or empathy, and to drown our depression we need distractions and strong things to stop thinking (many use drugs, parties, alcohol or even getting into serious troubles), that's simply how it is. Ofc those palliatives end up making things even worse and many find that out when it's too late to actually get back sadly.

 

So i'm not going to give you advices, you are not searching those, but i'm just going to say that you are normal, possibly even better than most thx to the same vulnerabilities that make you susceptible to depression.

[Blackhearted]

There's a Black Sabbath song that asks that same question:

[SoloveyIS]

sry for delay

ok, red it all, my story have some similarities with yours so, going to share it aswell and tell you what i learned from it.

 

its a different one, of course, everyone is different ect.

 

I am crazy:

Its started, when i was 17, 1 year after i came to canada (this have not much to do with canada, its a beautifull country and all, my father lives there and is way happier than in France), i started to think that the simple fact that i was there, would make anyone uncomfortable.This idea was so strong that i lost some social skillz as to interact with others. Interacting with others causes me alot of suffering. So, fear of going out, fear of talking to poeple so to avoid noticing any kind of reject from them.

This have been the same for 11 years, im 28 now, made me kind of handicaped and killed all motivation in anything. For about the first 4 years, i feared i was going crazy but in the meantime; i managed to get a 2 year degree as a cheif cook in a community college in english. and managed to work nightshift on a fast food for 5 straight years, so the crazy concern fade away.

 

I also went bodybuilding, went from 120 pounds to 175 something like that in 4 months, was super motivated. Social side stayed pathetic, i only noticed that the muscles were a social psychological tool to hide my disorder to others and so, dropped, but didnt regretted it. I noticed a downgrade in the way i think during the last year back when i was working nightshift, as if i was getting sure that i was a weight for the humanity, that the world would be way better without me. Also a weakening in my immune defence system, got sick more often and in long terms, the possibility of reducing longevity. I also have been mean to my coworker, this is my biggest regret, as im extremely sensible as to how poeple feel. Yet becoming anti-social.

After a family friend came for a vacation, i found the motivation to get up to date with my paper, passport ect and finely come back to France, and according to a doctor i see, its going better, rly slowly which is normal because i stayed so long without any help, but better nethertheless. I fear alot less to go out also.

 

After all thoses years, im starting to have a better idea as to where does it come from, multiples factors (childhood) that made me have that strange idea back then but one thing is sure, time goes fast, you are 22, its in your best interest to find that motivation to get better fast. (easy to say aint it) . i tell you that becasue ...men if i choosed to get better back at 22, i would certainly be able to enjoy life more. Not the end for me haha, im unaware yet of how happy i could become, 28 y old virgin (according to female i met, im well, some used the term "hot" other "cute"! hilarious! judge me the way you want on that one lol). But if i think of some beautifull girls that i met, this could be a motivation hm, i should rememnber this line.

 

On the last note, i would like to say that having this type of issue isnt a bad thing (unless you go boom to that brain, oh that brain in which i also dreamed of scrumbling it to make it pay for all the suffering it puts us through xP ) but more seriously, the more suffering we experience, the more we getting away from superficial things, getting focus on what matter the most. At least, it works that way for me. And i know that if i ever surpass this problem, if i ever succeed in building days after days the the strenght to get back into a normal life, i wont have any difficulty, because i would have finely and fully accire myself. And any other problems like running out of gaz, losing someone close or raising a child will be easier with that life experience.

And i need to think more about girls! 8)

 

I hope this will help, even if its a bit.

 

Thank you for the ones that red it all!